Re: Depression Dementia Dad - Page 12

Appleblossom · ‎13-03-2018

@Former-Member That is a lovely story about your father and the air base.

I liked that you noted the main points of @Former-Member boundaries article.

I have been working on them since I first heard about god boundaries on this forum. It is not natural for me at all, but I am seeing some of the value. I think the self care aspect is a good one to expand so that then I have an idea what being good feels like. Just making it a slight focus in thoughts and conversations. I cant take any of it for granted. I also really liked that they discussed resentment as due to being taken advantage of and poor boundaries. Grist for my mill.

Take care ALL

Owlunar · ‎13-03-2018

HI @Former-Member

My bad time - oh boy - it was less last year and I am hoping it will be even less this year

It starts from the beginning of April until the middle of July - it was when my son was in Juvenile Detention until he died - and 3.5 months is a long time to feel really rotten

2 years ago it was what prompted me to join this Forum - I found everyone just after Easter that year when Easter was at the End of March as it was the year he died and again this year actually - Easter is what is called a Moveable Feast because it falls on different dates

Because it was easier last year I am hoping that I will not go through the really dark times I used to go through - no one wants to spend so much time - any time really - feeling old and hopeless memories - and I know people do. Back then the future seemed impossible

But having said that I can say now to anyone who thinks things will never change that they can and will - in my case it was a terrible thing that happened but it need not always be something so devastating - it might be the opposite - something wonderful could happen.

But Easter - ummm - yes - we seem to have so many long weekends at this time of year - actually it's not the time alone during the weekend itself - unless like this weekend I was feeling most unwell - it's that the things I have to deal with during the week get cramped together and appointments clash and I often wonder if holidays are worth it because we have the same amount of work to do in less time

Anyway - I am filling in time before I go to the dentist - I will be okay - no wonder I have been feeling off colour through the last few days

All the best Lapses

Dec

Former-Member · ‎13-03-2018

((((( @Appleblossom ))))) i think early ongoing trauma leaves us without any clear concept of healthy 'boundaries' So many ppl in our life have obliterated any sence of normality in terms of relationships, roals, authority .& personal values... And they wonder why we invite it back into our life... I'm glad you're here too 'cause you understand my family issues a bits. But hope i dont have the suicide - to thinl i came close to doing it to them 😞 ... my sis never forgave me for that... what she believes is simply "attention seeking selfishness.. You go gently. Self compassion is the key xox

Oh no @Owlunar, have u got a tooth abcess? Youre officially in the wars 🙂

Former-Member · ‎13-03-2018

Hey! Bro4 dropped in in a good mood. Its been a week. Even made us a coffee as i helped dad change after a toilet episode. He was really c anky when he heard Bro3 sicked the cops onto me for nothing. Said it wan just payback for inconveniencing him to have to climb in a window. And, cop this, he even apologised saying "i'm really sorry you had to go through that... " Wow, still taking that one in. Normally its 'ya should have done this... or that... or make excuses for the offender. He even told me he's disappointed inAthe waynhe's olderysiblings have been carrying on. He seems to be less intermeshed. But still teary, said he's lost a lot of motivation since mum died, flat. I recommended the free palliative care counselling offered by the hospital but he's 'tough'about it 😕 stiff upper lip. And his mood may also be linked to coming off the otc opiates pulled from shelves - says the alternatives the doctor scripts are useless!... ...

Anyway, is everyone ok? Haven't checked my notifications yet.

Former-Member · ‎13-03-2018

https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-fighting-after-a-death/

Appleblossom · ‎14-03-2018

It is tough yards @Former-Member, but it is great that you are stilll so mindful to be able to see the little shifts and positives happening at this traumatic time.

My surviving sister did not forgive my brother for things when she was growing up but he was also her chauffeur and I felt very protective of her. It took me a long time to fully register how determined she was to distance herself from him and me, I kept hoping for forgiveness. It did help when I realised how traumatic our crcumstances really were and gave up hoping for a happy reconciled family scenario. With respect to her "hope" just kept me straining and the wound raw. That does not mean I cannot engage with hope, but it means that it is for my life only and not about my family of origin.

Former-Member · ‎14-03-2018

Good morning @Former-Member

Former-Member · ‎14-03-2018

Hugzz ((((( @Owlunar )))))
hiya @Former-Member,

@Appleblossom, i find it hard to 'give up'on my Earth Family, but luke you say - it often opens wounds. I've resolvef to try not see them as family - they officially fail at it, maybe i do too. Forgiveness is not reconciliation, their worse than that - undermining my good works. When dad doesnt need me amymore - they can sort the house, i've done my part. You sure understand - thanks.

@Owlunar, are you ok today?

Appleblossom · ‎14-03-2018

You have connected to local health care and set up what you can for your dad. @Former-Member I would not judge, but the thing becomes living with our own sense of conscience and working with the reality of others. Decades of accumulated misunderstanding are hard to fix.

Former-Member · ‎14-03-2018

I hear you @Appleblossom
My mistake apparently was "pisssing off to qld to live two decafes back. I'm trying to be compassionate. Bro3 is hurting. So today i opened an opportunity for him... While closer to his place, witj dad @ dr cardiologist, i suggested he pop over - say hi to dad there (its been a week). He said: "Not going out today - the high powered laser attack on my head all day has made me ill and blinded me during garbage collection as the weapons are noise reactive!" Sigh :( Apple, did your famiy have these delusions? Lined their house & electricals with foil, to stop the lazers, yet they still get through, even on Antipsychotic injections... I dont know what to say or do that doesnt upset him. I think the stress of being here around this lot might actually kiill me, cardiovascular problems getting worse. Cant seem to relax. But maybe having so much to do (not empty days like before, maybe this will keep me going. I donno,

I wish i had a me to care for me as much as i'm caring for my dad. I say this as my only testiment to what I'm doing. Its not bad, i use to cry for dad the way he was neglected before... and used...

Showed dad a photo of my girl today - he doesn't remember her 😞 Think maybe my inner child has beem trying to reconnect with dad now mum's not here to get jealous... but he's lost the art of conversation, cant recall most of younger years and refers to me by mum's name 1/2 the time. So there's little gain in this for me, however Centrelink came good on the Carers Allowemce (pocket money) today. Only took em x6 weeks, x3 visits... Common sense prevailed & didnt have to waith for a new birth certificate to be processed. I applied to be his 'carer' for recognition more than anything (not that I need it now the court Guardianship fight has been withdrawn. Haven't communicated with my sis for a month now because of it (her lies & schemes). Found out today that Bro3 has blown all the 5k mum gave him in January. Think he's really cranky wirh himself. Very sad. Its hard to not help them out - but better long term, besides, i'm living on a shoe string myself. Anyway, sorry i'm talking anout myself so much. Must be boring. Hope everyone up north is ok with the cyclone rains & flooding. Thinling of you especially @Shaz51 Hey, is it really wrong to ask my son to drive up to my house once a month (2.5hrs drive - expenses paid) to check on it while I'm away? You know - he blasted me when I asked again - insisted he's too busy for going that often - & its not even his responsibility but mine... ... Gave me a lecture about taking proper responsibility (as if i'm not, drr). I find this difficult, when i die he gets it all but cant be inconvenienced now. I dont know. Is it really me?