Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Lily9]

My 53 year-old son lives on his own in a town in another state. He has self-diagnosed autism his autism but is not aware of the narcissism. He is very intelligent and has endeavoured during his adult life to use the inner resources he was blessed with to the best of his ability. He has achieved considerable success with his 'outer-academic-world' presence but hits 'crisis' points periodically - these are highly intense and often long-lasting periods. I have supported him by allowing him live with me during each of those climactic experiences to the point of probably 'overdoing' the care: so that my life is as free from tension as possible, and so that he can get on with finishing whatever university degree/grant application he is working on and move on to a new job. 

Since he has been based mainly in Australia since Covid, things between us can go quite smoothly for a short period which gives me a false sense of security/safely - I tend, then, to relax and trust that things will stay on a more even keel. I find it really difficult to maintain a 'high alert' personna when my natural way with people is to be an open, considerate loving person.

The autistic 'tendencies' he is aware of and tries to manage them - although they have become more egregious the older he gets - hardly noticeable as a child but now very apparent when over-sensitivity creates great stress.

Narcissism I am familiar with and have undertaken a great deal of work re knowing how to relate to a narcissistic personality. But it is exhausting!!! 

His default position when life forces him to review or reflect on his own choices, behaviours and responsibilities is to go into denial for as long as possible (moaning and groaning about it to whoever will listen) then when the denied situation escalates to the point when it can't be ignored any longer, to lash out  -- and there are multiple ways this can happen.

My personal life has many beautiful aspects to it, and for these I am truly grateful, but sometimes it just becomes too much to deal with on one's own. A moment of sharing in this way can make all the difference!!!

Thank you for being there to listen and care.

Lily9 🙂

[tyme]

Hi @Lily9 ,

Thank you for sharing. It was so refreshing to read your perspective of how things are. MH is certainly not an easy thing to deal with - in fact, it can get quite exhausting!

It sounds like your son has come to terms with a few of how his neurodiversity affects his behaviour, but has not yet realised some of the narcissistic traits you see.

Do you think he would ever be open to you talking to him about it?

[Lily9]

Thanks very much for your gentle understanding and for the suggestion that I could try talking to my son about the narcissistic tendencies. It's something I could try if I had the right opportunity -- such as if I were to spend some time with him in his own home, when he is feeling more in control in his life. This  would allow the very big softness in him to come to the fore. While he is going through a major change it does usually work OK when I follow the strategies I've learned -- the four steps of attending and responding without engaging in the struggle he is experiencing. However, it doesn't work when I'm caught 'off guard' and calls at inappropriate times.

I was able to settle myself well yesterday after 'telling my story' on this wonderful forum -- I went for a lovely walk in the crisp mountain air, did some sketching with the sun shining on me, then joined a local choir that I'd been wanting to join for ages! 🤗

[Ja9]

Hi I'm wondering if having a cheat shear...or 2 available for an unexpected call with prompts on it would help. 

I'm currently working on putting a folder together with tips for ending circular conversations on it, one liners to respond to gaslighting .... And validation one liners.

I find it difficult when I am stressed to navigate communication and I fall down a rabbit hole. Good luck .....

I get all my print outs for free of Pinterest. 

I have previously cut out a shield out of an A4 piece of paper and wrote down all the patterns my son has that I fall for and hook me in to his narrative.....the shield helps me be more in control.