Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jewelbox]

I am a carer for 2 autistic teens and my husband has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Our relationship has hit rock bottom. It seems like my husband is constantly seeking my attention and constantly talks about the things that happened to him that led him to his diagnosis. This has been going on for nearly 2 years and I have nothing left to give, and I feel like my marriage could be coming to an end. On one hand, I feel selfish and not understanding enough. On the other I recognise that I have simply reached a limit to what I’m able to give. I don’t feel like I love my husband any more in a romantic way. I have done everything I can to take care of myself and continue to but despite this I still feel like I can’t continue like this. I feel like the only solution right now, is to actually separate from my husband so that I can have some space and try to work out how to continue . But when I ask him to give me some space, he becomes very upset and talks about harming himself. I’m not sure what to do. Does anyone have any ideas?

[hanami]

Hi @Jewelbox 

Welcome to the forums, I'm so glad you found us here.
Gosh it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. It's no wonder you're almost burnt out. I'm wondering if you're getting any time to take time out or practice some self-care?

Some of the Carers organisations have great resources but I'm thinking you're probably looked at those already?

Sending my warmest wishes

Hanami

@Shaz51 may have some wise words here x

[Shaz51]

Hello @Jewelbox , @hanami 

sending you lots of understanding hugs , over the many years i have cried in the bathroom 

it is tough as us as carers have our own ups and downs daily  and to be relied on by soo many people takes it toll from time to time 

and to have support for all members is hard to find that daily balance 

my husband has put himself in hospital twice in the last 8 years 

we are here for you 

Here a some great links for you to look at ( the first two are read only now but are good to read 

Topic Tuesday // Self Care for Carers // Tues 20th July, 7:00-8:30PM AEST 

Topic Tuesday// Caring For The Carer// Tues 29th November 2022 7-8:30PM AEDT 

Coping Toolbox ( what is in yours to help you cope ) is a great thread for sharing and reading and talking 

[hanami]

Thank you so much @Shaz51 I often forget about those great links you shared to the Topic Tuesdays!

Hope you find them helpful @Jewelbox 

[tyme]

Hey @Jewelbox ,

It certainly sounds very difficult. Do you have professional supports in place for yourself? I'm wondering whether speaking to someone can help you through this difficult period?

It's so important that you have time to look after yourself. As carers, I've learnt that you can't pour out of an empty cup. There's only so much one can give before they feel burnt out.

Please know we are here if you need a chat.

[HelpfulHen]

I am in a similar situation to you and completely understand the feeling of burn out and wanting to separate from your husband.

A selfcare approach that works for me is 10-to-20-minute meditations.   

The family knows not to disturb me during this time, and it really helps me to cope.   

Some days I need to do this more than once.

[Shaz51]

what a wonderful tip @HelpfulHen 😊, I need to remember to do it daily 

my outlet is word games on the phone 

Morning @Jewelbox , @tyme , @hanami 

[JustWhelmed]

I'm absolutely feeling you Jewel, unfortunately 😞 

I'm supporting my partner (PTSD, ASD, anxiety, you name it!) and I adore them as a person but..... I am so, so sick of having to parent them to simply exist. 

Could you tap out for a weekend? Just go stay with a friend or in a tent or a hotel if you can afford it. I know my house goes to sh** and my partner would basically spend the weekend staring a screens with their 2 boys (both autistic too, I get it) but I think you NEED to put yourself first. 

One of my dearest friends and I really struggle to get time out (she also has two neurodiverse boys and a husband with untreated/undiagnosed mental health issues who is a belidgerant douche) but we did recently.... and it really helped me to cope. Just a 3 hour walk in a park nearby, with coffee and snacks.... life changing.

I'm not saying it solves anything but it gave me a break and some space to breathe.

Hugs lady, I wish I had answers