Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Exhausted2]

Hi

I’m brand new to this site but seeking support, encouragement or help. I am a heterosexual wife and mother of three daughters (now 11, 13 & 16), however life became complicated about 6yrs ago when my spouse came out as transwoman. I have spent much of that time silently grieving but outwardly trying to show support and acceptance. Mental health issues have always also been present and have climaxed over the last 18months and there has been diagnosis of ADHD and BPD, along with much self harm, suicide attempts, paranoid episodes and addictive behaviour (alcohol) to self-medicate. They have had at least four inpatient stays and multiple ED visits (after which they are sent home within a few hours because there is someone “functional” at home, ie me). All with me holding the fort and championing them in every step.
 

Over the years my daughters have also had issues, with my eldest diagnosed with GAD and ADHD and our youngest currently under investigation of paed as she has extreme explosive anger outbursts often causing harm (usually to me but can be other family members).

For a bit of extra to the mix I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic mother and we are a Christian family.

Through my childhood, youth and adulthood I have been conditioned to believe that my thoughts and feelings are of lessor value (if any). Most everything was brushed off, ignored or invalidated. While rationally I can understand that this is not healthy thinking, it is an ever present part of my experience. I can now see that much of my experience with my spouse has involved the presentation & impacts of BPD. They are somehow able to simultaneously see and NOT see fault (negative about their achievements but can’t see that they could be causing harm or hurt through their words or choices). Their perception is that anyone not 100% positive and for them is against them and because they can’t see why anyone could have a problem with them it must be because I have shared negative things with that person about them. So currently I’m coping a lot of the blame for people not talking with them, and have also been told over the years that my thoughts are “BS”, my actions are “next level cruel” and the sense of feeling loved is akin to “abuse” (among may other things)

It is unbelievably complex and I have been experiencing my own burnout over the last while, having held it together for so long.

I have realised that they are likely never going to be able to see my (or others) perspective of the situation and so after a long winded message my question, How do I sustain/maintain a healthy mental state for myself with a spouse who cannot understand or validate me and my experiences/feelings/perspectives?  

I understand that I always have the option to leave… but how can I willingly choose to break up my family, have to share my children, and put them in a position of utter rejection? 

[tyme]

Hi there @Exhausted2 ,

I hear you are exhausted, while doing your best to stay on top of things. You strength and resilience absolutely shine through. You are a real battler. I can see you are doing what you can to keep your family together.

I'm reading your post through the eyes of a borderline. I struggled immensely through life and alway sought others' support. When I didn't get that support, I felt it was all their fault. It came to the point where I went off and disconnected with everyone - as I still thought my situation was because of them.

It only took a few months to realise that my problems followed me. Hence, I was the common denominator. I continued to fight the BPD urges. I spent much time in ED, inpatient units and had chronic suicidal thoughts. 

After a few more years, it came to the point where I finally WAS ready to get the help I needed. I gave myself into therapy, and today, I can say that I am in a much better space.

Of course I cannot say my situation is the same a yours - because it wasn't. However, I hear the burnout and exhaustion of masking just to get by. At the same time, I can see you have 3 children you need to consider. 

Please hang in there. Know that recovery IS possible.

Do you have any supports in place? A church? Or have you ever tried contacting QLife? They may be able to guide you in terms of speaking with your partner.

Stay in prayer. Keep believing and holding onto faith and hope.

You are NOT alone.

[Exhausted2]

Thank you for your reply and understanding. It’s so hard to believe in my own thinking and feelings when they are discredited constantly. We’ve been through two couples counsellors in 3 months because my spouse feels attacked and judged by them or torn down through my recount of the past 18 months. I hate to use the words but many have suggested my spouses behaviours are   gaslighting… it’s awful imagine that or to have someone I love and have always sought the best for assume the worst of me. It’s like everyone is telling me I’m brave & strong, except the one person that I need to hear it from or should believe me above all else … the one person I dream will rescue and comfort me … everything I do I do it for my spouse and children 😢

[tyme]

Sometimes, it's not what you say, but what you honestly believe in that will help you through this rough patch. I can see you are definitely making an effort - and children see that too. @Exhausted2 

[Arrietty]

Hello Exhausted2,

I’m new as well on this platform and came across your post when I pressed the link to this page accidentally. I thought I was in a tricky position at the moment, but seeing your post makes me realise there are others going through hard journeys as well.

I think it’s good for you to know you have a safe place like this to express yourself and to process your feelings into words. I find so often, when I do what you have done here, and organise everything into a written form, it starts to feel like I’m not loosing control. So hopefully you’ve had that experience when you let it all out earlier . 

Now it’s time for you to realise that there are other people who are not necessarily going through your journey, but nevertheless find worth in you. You’re being so much more resilient than you realise, to have come this far already. I admired your strength and perseverance when I read about what you’re going through.

 I’m not a counsellor or psychologist. I’m here because I am seeking help as well, but you need to keep on reaching out. 
If I was to say anything I would recommend you see your doctor, if you trust them enough, and set up a mental health plan for yourself. You need to be given as much assistance as you can get. Don’t be afraid to admit that you need it. It took me years to make that step and now I wonder why I didn’t act sooner.

Your thoughts and values are important. You have the right to be who you are and I really hope, after coming to this website, that you will realise you are not alone. That can be the worst voice hear, when inside your head you’re told that nobody wants to listen to you.

Your words spoke to me and I’m now going to be praying for you and the life you have ahead of you. There will be rewards for your commitment to your family. Let yourself believe you can bring yourself out of any darkness and into the light. 

Have a listen to the song by Danny Gokey called “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again’. I listen to it so often when I need a reminder of how I can take control of dealing with challenges.

 I hope you find what you need on this website. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Arrietty]

Oh, I thought I should also mention a phrase that is so simple, yet so helpful in life….
七転び八起き (NANA-KOROBI YA-OKI)
Fall down 7 times get up 8.
I use this one all the time!

[Appleblossom]

@Exhausted2 

Working through Family of Origin and Family of Creation stuff takes a lifetime. Being aware of Issues and patterns can help, but only so far.  A lot depends on resources, practical and social.  Dealing with a BPD spouse is complex, but adding the extra issues and gaslighting is hard.  

I had complex MH issues in both my Families of Origin and Creation.  I use the more technical terms cos it helps me somehow distance from the pain of it all.  Surviving is paramount, and finding a way to do that, is not always straightforward.  I stayed in my dysfunctional marriage for 16 years and barely made it out alive.  Since then, over for 20 years, I lived separately with the youngest child of the marriage, and gradually my health (physical and emotional) has improved.  "Stay or leave" can be such a huge dilemna, with so many consequences.  

I also had gender activist and unusual family constellations, partly as a reaction to the early strong Christianity in the family within my extended family.  Beyond Complex.  Being the Sacrificial Lamb seemed to be my role.  I did not want to break up my family, had a CAT team event for myself and they suggested I ought to leave.  I shifted things around a little within the house, moved to the fold out futon in the loungeroom, lived 'separated under the same roof' for a year and eventually left. About 6 years later, I approached the Catholic church and they granted an annulment due to the complexities.  I found that whole process helpful, as it showed me the intention for wholesome families behind the church mores.  I did have confusing circs.

Are you at home, or working full or part time?  Is time away helpful? Is private space helpful? Just openers, you dont have to answer.  It does not sound as if your partner has capacity atm, but also ... ultimately, you have to make the call, which is best for the long term benefit of yourself and your children.  I hoped and dreamed my spouse would relate and care for me, but he did not and that did not change.  My learning was 'to take off my rose coloured glasses', face reality and do the best I could alone.  Somehow I internalised the love at all costs. Things are still difficult, but I am pretty sure they would have been a lot worse if I had stayed.  Each path is unique.

I am not sure what is best in your circumstances, but tag me if you want to talk.