Exploring feelings of loneliness with human interactions

[26March24]

I have been exploring this feeling of a void within me which I know is coming from a mix of loneliness and anxiety. 

I’ve noticed that the feeling, which is intense and scary, expands when I want something (intimacy, support, a level of certainty, respect, reassurance or communication for example) from someone else which I don’t get. 

And the thing that seems to help to contract this feeling is sharing, being kind, giving this person something that they need, even if their response is negative or nothing at all, and by not expecting anything in return.

Which is so hard (draining and frustrating) when you feel like your relationships are one sided. 

There seems to be two contradictory responses to this.

Either let them go because you deserve to have your needs met, so you have more emotional bandwidth for other people or yourself.

Or accept that this is a one sided thing. and not everything is fair, and you can give and expect nothing in return.

And with the second option there is hope that one day they will wake up and see you. Or that one day I will wake up and have this kind of love and energy from the world.

Have you ever felt like this? 

What is your experience with what I’ve described? 

Is there another option?

I would love to hear your thoughts x

[PigeonHead]

Hey, I find that I can relate to this feeling lately. I feel invest so much of myself into relationships with people, I don't think I can help it either. It's just how I am I guess. I despise myself for it because usually I'm the one who feels more than the other. Im an extremely deeply feeling and emotional person. So it's hard for people to match that. It can be pretty rough when the other person doesn't put in as much as you do.

My partner has been severely struggling

with depression and anxiety recently. So he's shut down quite a bit. Its been difficult

for me, backing down emotionally and

giving him the space he needs. As I also have needs for emotional connection and communication. But I want to prioritize things between us and that it's not all about me, and that what he is struggling with is a lot more serious. It is a

temporary thing he reassures me, so of

course I'll be there to support him in this

difficult time. It certainly does take more out of me. He's worth it though. I just miss the real him so much. I see glimpses of him but then it quickly gets swallowed back up by the darkness. I know that patience is the key and that I am capable of waiting for things to get better but Im scared it'll happen again and then I'll snap from exhaustion and lose him. It's just hard atm, in that period of waiting. But knowing things will improve and eventually go back to normal keeps me going. 

[26March24]

Aww thank you so much for sharing. You sound like a wonderfully thoughtful and empathetic person.

Your loyalty towards your husband is admirable. 
Thank you for reminding me that we do have these magnificent traits.

when you put it like this, taking a step back to think about the other person and what they might be going through is such a brave move, especially when we endure the uncertainty of how the relationship will turn out.

I guess we have to find other people to meet our needs for connection.

[PigeonHead]

Thank you, that means a lot to hear ☺️.

I find that having multiple connections with others helps balance out feelings of uncertainty and loneliness. 

Instead of just funnelling everything I have into one person, it's healthy to have multiple people to talk to. Even if that's online. Sometimes the right people are just hard to find in the right times. I'm finding that platforms like this help me and that potentially helping others fills that gap. It's fulfilling knowing I can support others in a way.

I hope you find what can fill that feeling of a void to you. Maybe, try doing something for you, that you love. Don't worry about anyone else. Finding comfort with yourself and being by yourself is a very powerful thing. It's not easy but once you have it, I find that when you're not trying, people can come to you.

[Whaledone321]

@PigeonHead Hi, this is exactly how I feel my wife feels about me and my depression. She is so loving and caring and I know my darkness is taking such a toll on her. She does everything for me and our kids. I feel like such a burden. I feel so guilty, even though I have such an amazing wife and great friends I'm still so lonely. I can't open up or be myself I don't want to lose friends or upset my family any more than I already do. 

[Confused81]

I am currently going through the same with my long distance relationship. Its currently all one sided as he has his struggles with his kids and work. 

It is so hard knowing weather to keep reaching out and not getting a response or to just let them be and they will come to you when they need. I am the type of person who likes to support my partner and I like to have people reach out to me when I am struggling so i don't know how to just let him be.

[rav3n]

hey @Confused81 welcome to the forums!!

just wanted to pop in to share a lil forums tip - you can tag people using the @ symbol and typing the username of the person you'd like to respond to. when it turns blue, like this @Confused81, it means they will be notified of your response 😊  

look forward to seeing you around the space.

[PigeonHead]

@Whaledone321 I'm so sorry to hear that you have been feeling like this. 

It'll be okay. 

Depression is real and it's not something that goes away over night, and it sounds like you have many loving people in your life who understand that. 

Yes it does have an affect on us, of course it does, but that's because we love you. Our partner is suffering and there's nothing we can really do but wait it out. It takes a type of person to have that patience, not everyone has it.

By the sounds of things, your wife loves you unconditionally and is not going anywhere anytime soon.

I can assure you that you are not a burden. It isn't you. It's the illness and it's not your fault. There's a large distinction. For some people it may be hard to separate the person from the illness as all they can see is you and your body language, etc. 

So it might be a good idea to have check ins with your wife and try to communicate as much as you can, don't leave her in the dark. 

However, if there's things you feel will deeply negatively impact her from sharing, maybe talking to a professional would be wise.

I know it can be hard to open up, but it may help to relieve any potential tension from lack of communication. But if that doesn't feel right, that's okay too.

I can understand that paralysing weight of guilt. You are doing the best you can at this moment. Things will get better if you seek the right help and keep surrounding yourself with supportive loved ones. ❤️ 

[heartathome]

At 64 I've learnt not to put all my eggs in one basket. My partner of 22 years is on the spectrum, and he doesn't talk on an emotional level. I get my emotional needs met through my therapist and friends. I used to think my boyfriends needed to fulfil all my needs. What an impossible task I was asking of them! I think it depends on how your partner treats you otherwise. My partner is an awesome man who shows me that he loves me in a variety of other ways! ❤️

[PigeonHead]

Hey @Confused81, 

As lonely as it feels, you are not alone,

I too can understand the struggles of being in a long distance relationship myself. Lately the relationship has been more one-sided with the mental health struggles my partner is having. I have separation anxiety so that just adds to the fun...

Anyway, I require more emotional connection and he isn't the best at opening up unless prompted. I've found myself seeking a lot of reassurance from my partner, which sort of kept cycling. 

Where I ask him things like "are we okay?" "Do you still like me?" "Did I say something wrong?"  and then he'd respond with something like "Yeah, we are all good." This would then make me feel sort of silly for asking but at the same time like i was starting to annoy him the more that I asked. And so this cycle kept happening, me seeking more and more reassurance out of insecurity and uncertainty.

I had a lovely conversation with his mother, whom knows him the best. I now know that with my partner that if I push him too hard, he will recoil and isolate himself. She told me that if I give him the space he needs, he will come to me when he is ready. So I've learned to keep things lighter when talking to him recently as anything emotional sort of sets him off. This has been hard because it means I'm not getting that reassurance I wanted. But now, it feels like I require it less, as I have realised its not me that's an issue. 

It really does depend on the individual regarding whether or not to consistently check in. Some may appreciate it, but others may get a bit agitated or feel smothered. I'd say just ask him what he would prefer. If he isn't responding to your messages, I would recommend just giving him a bit more space. He should talk when he is ready. But it is also not on you to have to wait that long. Maybe let him know how important communication is to you. ❤️