Lived Experience Forum

[Toriella]

Hi all. I’m new to this forum and looking for support, and hopefully to connect with people going through a similar thing. 
I’ve just learned my mother has borderline personality disorder and most likely bipolar. I’ve found her very challenging all my life, and as an adult I struggle with feeling extremely lonely, alone, judged and insecure. She doesn’t get along with any of her family, so as a result she isolated me from them and I grew up living 5 hours away, with no siblings for support. I’ve been so overwhelmed coping with her issues on my own for so long that I haven’t had a relationship for 10 years now, I’m incredibly depressed and feel I have no purpose in life. 
I moved interstate following the pandemic after reaching my lowest point, living alone in complete isolation during lockdowns. After 6 months, I had to come home because I wasn’t coping. 
I’m now staying at my parents until I can get back on my feet - I can’t work right now and my psych says I need to take a year off to reset as a result of the ptsd. Every time I leave my parents house, I get panic attacks and feel incredibly unstable and unsafe. I feel as though I lost my whole community after the pandemic, realising that where I was living wasn’t right for me and having most of my friends move away. I’m at a point where the lack of connection and community feels like it’s so deep that it’s threatening my survival. I can’t seem to move past the fact that my mum didn’t provide a secure environment for me when I was young, and I don’t know if or when I will ever get my life back. All I want is a loving partner, kids, and a dog. It seems so simple, yet so unachievable. 
Any support is greatly appreciated. I need help to get out of this situation - I can’t keep doing it alone. Thank you 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Toriella 

Welcome to the forums. Sorry to hear that you've been having such a tough time of it 😞

It sounds like you've had a lot of extremes to deal with in your life. Lots of big moves away, up and down and carrying other's heavy emotions, and now your own. You deserve to be free and happy!

Firstly, do not give up on your dreams of having the life that you want. "Small steps equal big results".  You have time.

Have you discussed options of moving, but with continued supports during the week? Would this be something you might consider in the future?

Happiness is a practice. It starts with grabbing a little bit each day and polishing it. Then letting it go. The next day, practice polishing that little bit of happiness again; smile 😀, write that nice thing that you mean. Then close the book and let it go. The next day, look out the window. Find something nice out there. Envision it as part of that happy feeling, maybe it's full of sunshine? Then let that thought go, it's not important. What's important, is each day, you light that little bit of happiness up, then set it free 🙂 See what happens.

Great effort on working with your mental health and taking the time to unpack your past! You might not be able to see the middle ground now, but you have a bright future. Healing can take time as we gather the skills and confidence, and rebuild the joy in our lives. Small steps, remember? 🙂👍