At this moment , I feel so broken. My husband , is a good man, but I dont know him at all. For the past 15 years , I have held on to hope, he would treat me like he did when we first me. It hasnt happened, its a loveless marrriage. No cuddle no nothing, except him saying, I love you. Damn what does that mean when , no actions follow. I care for my 83 yr old mum 24/7, yesterday at doctors, mum was in room, the doctor wanted me to be be taken by ambulance to hospital as doctor fears , I am having some form of mini micro strokes. I have already had a major heart attack. I told her , I would drive there, I really just wanted to go home, mum cant be expected to sit around. I drove home, I will go monday. Well mum, tells my husband, he said to me, you been shitty since you got home, I said maybe , I am sick, HIS reply , I am sunburnt and sick to. He didn't ask anything. I dont want to die being so sad and aline, even though married. I sleep out side as he prefers 6 dogs to take over the bed. A few days ago, I saw a psychiatrist, he was straight to the point. I said I didnt want anyone else just mmy husband, he said, then you have chosen. I was lost then, this hurt and loss eats at me from the momement I wake up and I go to sleep, with the same thoughts. What the phy did say, which , I cant let go of is. YOU EITHER DO, OR YOU DON'T, THERE IS NO TRY. My husband don't, I don't nag , every so often, I show him articles or say we got to work this out, I meet a blank wall, with no voice or opinion. O carry every problem in the home, except him feeding animals and taking care of whats important to him. I cant even walk safely to get water, I have to fill loo with water from bucket, its all happened and I cant address all these issues on my own, first, I dont have knowledge, second no strength for some of it. Fencing dogs and pet cows now getting on road ( I would help) , I use to get people now and the, but , I am not in position now. I live oyt of town on acreage.
I dont want to die so unhappy. I told mum in 2 weeks , we hit the road, my stress levels need to drop, I dont need pills, just peace. What doc said , You either DO or you DON'T has really hit home. He Doesn't. And all the things he won't say, I fill in the blanks. HellI must be ugly as, for him to not even cuddle me , I have tolerated for 15 years hoping praying it will get better.
So mum and I will go in little campervan , around Qld, come back at xmas for my kids and xmas and hope he realizes, this can't stay this way. I am so rattled and all over the shop. Mum deserves her last days living life, not in a depressive environment. She sticks up for my hubby, Sorry to carry on. I have no one reallt. My girls are adult women, but they cant help , except love me.
Forgive the tirade.
