Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️ @Janiee 

[Janiee]

So last night I get a couple of messages saying that she has been technically sexually assulted by various partners as she didn't know how to say no to them. It is my fault as I never tought her to say no (I do not know how she came to this conclusion apart from, everything is someone elses fault). I am not trying to shift the blame here, but considering this is the first I've heard about it, its a bit hard to have done anything about it at the time. I could not answer her straight away as I was at work. Then the messages start about I cant even answer her so I don't care and calling me for every name under the sun. When I did answer and explained I was at work, the abuse escalated and I put everything before her, this is why she is like this. I stopped answering because of the abuse. 

She texted and rang today, while I was trying to sleep (I'm on nightshift), which woke me. Saying that what I've done is child abuse, leaving her to be with "men". In the 10 years since her father and split up, I've had 2 partners (one is who I'm now married to). 

She knows I feel immense guilt over the family breaking up and should I have just stayed and been miserable so they saw their father more. Also decisions I made after the split could have been better, yes I know, we all make mistakes and no one makes the right decision everytime, but I still feel guilt over it and I have apologised and tried to make up for it. 

Once you have stuffed up, the next decision is second, third and fourth guessed and some days I'm at a point that I really have no clue if the decision is the best one to make. 

She even said that "I'm not the only one who can call the cops". Well let her call, she might actually be forced into getting help and as far as my warped thought process can see is, its just more emotional blackmail to get what she wants. 

Bit lost on how to hold my boundry on not being abused and trying to be there for her at the moment.

@Faith-and-Hope  @Former-Member  @Appleblossom  @Determined  @Shaz51 

[Janiee]

Also, it's hard to know if these assults actually took place (I hate doubting her), but I also know all these horrible things she has accused me off that aren't true and how many people who have loved and cared about her that she has wiped from her life because of some imagined or minor slight which has been blown out of all proportion. I mentioned last night to her about telling her phychologist as she told me she had an appointment at the end of the month and I thought, if it was true, she should be in trauma councilling, which got me more abuse  and she says she already has told her. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Wow @Janiee .... that is really full-on.   I know how fierce my baby dragons are at times, and they can lose the boundary and just “go at me” verbally because they are not coping and trying to ease the pain they are feeling, and somehow accusations and blame seem to do that for them .....  but I haven’t left their father or had any other relationships for them to be accusatory about, but I can do feel for what you are going through.

And yes, there would be room for concern that things are not exactly as they are being perceived by her ..... and if they are, or somewhere close to it, I agree that trauma counselling ought to be more immediate .....

What support can you call in for yourself ?  The helplines are open here at Sane at the moment.  Would it help to have a chat to one of the lovely people here, just to help you process what is happening to you in all of this ?

Big hugs Hon.  Here and listening.  I find when my circumstances are overwhelming it helps so much to spit it out here ..... to feel that I have a voice.

❤️💕

[Appleblossom]

@Janiee 

Sex abuse has a high profile in the media these days. I can see why you may be unsure about the credibility and factuality of the events ... but because one thing was made up or magnified does not mean they all are.

It is heart breaking and all these misunderstandings and arguing at cross purposes helps nobody not her, not you. I know you know, but we still have to work through it.

Sometimes we try and compensate, some people talk about getting their ducks all in a row ... not sure that the wider society has a lot of influence within our families.  The boundaries are permeable, as are the boundaries between individual ...

Sadly there are similar situations in my family.  I am working at not willingly taking on any more abuse.  I think I have had a problem volunteering for tough challenges ... slowly getting that many people try and take the easier road.

[Former-Member]

@Janiee 

I do not think there is a carer among us who has not looked back and thought that we could have done things differently or better, most of us did the best we could at the time with the resources we had available to us.

I have not had to deal with the rages that happen with BPD, nor with someone who does not hold any personal responsibility toward dealing with their MI issues, even when psychotic and lacking insight Mr Darcy would still go to appts.  Perhaps calling the SANE help line to see if one of their counsellors can offer you some tips that will help you with your immediate concerns might be helpful.  There are no easy answers and I have found that getting counselling myself has helped me greatly (particularly my current counsellor who seems to understand me well).  

[Janiee]

Thank you guys! Just a quick one as I'm at work. My friend just messaged me to say she had called an ambulance as she was at her place. Waiting to hear whats going on there. Looks like another long night worrying and hoping this time she will get tye help she nerds xx @Former-Member  @Appleblossom  @Faith-and-Hope  @Determined  @Shaz51 

[Appleblossom]

I hope she gets that help too. @Janiee Waiting for these things is some of the worst waiting there is.

[Janiee]

@Appleblossom  She did a runner when the ambulance arrived, so still no EEO. Found her at a friends place, I thought it better to ask her friend if she was there, as I didn't think she would answer me or the abuse would start again. She has since messaged me and abused me for not asking her straight out. When I do ask her she tells me I don't need to know etc.

I haven't replied to any messages as they are abusive. Apparently now she has deleted all photos of me and I'm not her mother. She doesn't learn that doing things when you are angry will lead to regret later. Although I am upset /worried by this a bit, she has done similar things before and come back like it was nothing. She keeps blaming me for all these things I hadn't taught her (most are life experiences we all learn along the way), but she has forgotten all the things I have taught her, be nice to people, think before you speak, words can cut like a deep. She twists my words, bombards me with things I have to constantly defend myself over and in doing so, I am always on the back foot. I tried to explain if she wants to change the outcome, she needs to change what she is doing. She took that as everything is her fault...sigh. Thank you all for being here for me. I appreciate it more than you know xx

[Former-Member]

@Janiee 

The BPD Foundation website has a few resources available that may be of help to you.

https://bpdfoundation.org.au/carers.php