Life keeps spiraling

[Broken666]

"As a child my life was never easy, father passed away when I was 7, my mother is deaf and cannot to this day be independent, she neglected my needs and jumped from one guy to the next, which resulted in me being sexually abused by a few of her boyfriends, welfare placed me in care for a few yrs then I was returned to her, until she abandoned me at 15, I lived with an older cpl in they're late 40's and ended up in a sexual relationship with the male, when I was 16 I met a guy who was 24 and started a relationship with him not knowing he was married at the time and expecting a baby.... That relationship was based on drug abuse and physical violence, fell pregnant at 19 and ended up leaving him at 21..... When I was 22 I met a guy who I thought was my soul mate, got married, had 3 more kids and life was great so I thought.... We were social drinkers and occasional drug users, 9yrs passed and he started to use needles, which he had always been against... The use got really bad and he was using way more than I was aware, he was sleeping around and betraying me and my family, I confronted him on certain events that happened only to be told I was crazy, I trusted him and he was always in control of the drugs and He tried to end me I'm convinced.... After months of trying to quit my habit and fix our marriage with no avail I left, I ended up losing my children after several attempts of suicide, I got them back only because I left him and got clean... During the 3 months after I left he was begging for another try, and I stuck with my decision to separate, he attempted suicide a cpl times and his last attempt landed him in a coma, I flew to be with him and he recovered, more attempts to get us to reconcile but I just couldn't do it again... I have suffered a few breakdowns and during one of them I ended up burning the house down that we owned... I am now waiting to be sentenced for 2 arson charges.... Since the incident I have fallen back into the drug addiction, I have lost my children to him and am not coping well at all, I'm worried about coping with jail and he won't let me talk to my children, I just want the pain to end and I find myself using more and more.....

[girl99]

@Broken666

I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time lately. Life can be very challenging at the best of times and it can be hard to cope when we are given a lot to deal with.  It's sad to hear that some of these problems were made worse by drugs, so I guess it is good to hear you are off the drugs as maybe that might help make things a bit better?  I'm not sure if drugs help people cope or if they make things worse so I can't really comment on that, but there might be others on here who can talk about that?

I'm sorry to hear about your court case and I hope you have a lawyer or legal aid helping you?  I've heard that sometimes if you have a letter from a counsellor or psychologist that could maybe help you in court?  Can someone help you arrange to maybe see a counsellor, if that was something you felt like you could do?

You sound like you have had a lot to deal with by yourself.  Do you have any support at all from anyone - a friend or relative?    You sound like a strong person who has had a lot to deal with but maybe it might be good to have someone on your side to help you, especially with the court stuff.   I really hope things get better for you soon. Sending you big hugs

[Former-Member]

Hello @Broken666

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like a story that might not be easy to tell – I'm glad you've found us and reached out here.

It sounds like you've been incredibly strong in sticking with your decision to separate from your partner. I'm so sorry to hear that you have been struggling with drug use again. Giving up something that has been part of your life for a long time is such a huge and difficult thing to do – often there will be relapses, but it doesn't mean you can't stop again; or that you won't stop forever next time or in the future.

Do you have support at the moment @Broken666? As @girl99 has suggested, it could be really helpful to have mental health support, as well as legal support. If you haven't already done so, it might also help to reach out to a drug and alchohol counselling service, such as counselling online. They are available 24/7 with phone and online support.

There are others here on the Forums who have struggled with drug use, such as @chaos who has posted their story here. There are also Forum members who have left unhealthy relationships.

And feel free to join in any of our social threads, such as this one where  you can introduce yourself; or this one where you can share the highlight of your day.

Welcome once again a@Broken666 and please keep posting, there is always someone here to listen 

[Appleblossom]

My heart goes out to you @Broken666

I was also in the welfare system as a kid, but I suspect your natural family was tougher to survive than mine.  Yeah lotsa of experiences in common. 

Take care of you. FInd some healthier addictions.  Start squeezing them into your life style and eventually they can take over ones that are harmful.  Its really hard to change when you are stuck in a negative mindset.

I am into birds and paintings at the moment. This is by G Flegel ...

[Broken666]

Thanks everyone ur kind words are very much appreciated and I have taken everything into account, I have a new partner who is very supportive of my past experiences and is very good for my current situation, we have decided to make a difference in our lives and have put a plan into action, hopefully we can mark everything off one day at a time, it has been 3 very hard days since I've used any substance and my body and mind are feeling better already....

[Whiteknight]

Hi Broken

What a brave lady you are! I'm in awe of you.

I can relate a little of your missing your children. Remember please Broken, your kids will be adults in the blink of an eye, then they will seek you out or you'll be reunited and take it from me, your life will begin again. 

I'm an ex prison officer among many other jobs and I can tell you that, you will settle in jail to a degree. Do your time if you are sent there and plan your new paradise after that. Not many people will understand you and your actions but thats life among people. Surround yourself with beautiful souls.

I have a daughter that was brainwashed and from 14yo to 24 she never saw me by her choice. Then one day she walked up my driveway, we hugged, no words needed. It lasted 8 months and again ended. But such was the negative influence from her mother. She might mature one day. 

You wont be beaten, you are too brave for that. Thankyou for sharing yourself. 

Tony WK