Lived Experience Forum

[Leesu]

So I'm starting this thread solely as an outlet for myself. I don't expect anyone to read it or comment, i just need a safe space I can share my thoughts without worrying too much about what others might think.

Anyway, I'll begin with what I've been diagnosed with.

When I was 20 I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety.

I was then mis-diagnosed at 21 with OCD.

As years went on, (I'm talking 10yrs +) I was finally diagnosed with CPTSD and BPD, which made a lot of sense. 1yr ago I had my 3rd child via emergency c-section, and I was diagnosed about 6 months ago with Post Partum Depression.

The last year has been the hardest yet. I had a complete medication change, which is helping.. I just feel myself slipping again. To the point where I lost control in public 2 days ago and I just feel so ashamed. I know that's my own guilt but the more I go over it in my head, the more I realise the contributing factors that led to my outburst. I just hate the guilt trip and downward spiral I'm on right now. 

I was only diagnosed with BPD and CPTSD 2.5 years ago and I'll be honest, which I'm sure most of us have done.. But I read about it in the beginning and didn't continue to educate myself afterwards. Now I'm starting to look into BPD and CPTSD more, plus reach out to others. Everything is starting to make sense. It's overwhelming as I find myself looking back at things I've done and I'm guessing I've had BPD since I was about 15-16yrs old. (Back Story - I grew up in a DV environment and witnessed a lot of Alcohol abuse and violence.)

Its like, "oh, that's why i was always quick to lash out, or ended up in so many fights, or made poor choices." 

Not saying its an excuse, but i guess it gives me a little clarity into why i struggle with controlling my emotions and am always quick to "Blow Up".

[Amethystfan]

Is BPD Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder? If you are on medication they can cause you to be quick to anger and blow up.

[Flightrisk]

A tough journey, but you have gotten this far. Try to remind yourself that your reactions are a result of past events, try to analyse the situation. Think what a fact based response or action is verus the emotional reaction . DBT has been great for me in understanding my daughters BPD, anxiety, depression etc., as well as helping her. A public meltdown, so what, you do you and don't worry about what others think, you obviously had some triggering issues to deal with. Get the help that you can therapy wise and keep working on it. I think you should be very proud that you both identified some of your triggers and that you have reached out here. 

Stay strong.

[Leesu]

I've got Borderline Personality Disorder.. they changed all my medication when I spent sometime in hospital. The meds I was on left me feeling like a zombie. I've just had an increase in my meds so I'm thinking that's a contributing factor. 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Leesu Thanks for reaching out! 🩵

Sorry to hear that you're struggling with the meds and feelings at the moment. It's something to note down and mention to your treating health care providers when you can. There may be other factors, like a change in stress levels or environment. Do you have any regular mental health practices or supports, like journalling, or meditation, or like having a therapist to chat to? 

It sounds like you've gone through a lot, coping as best you can, but without knowing the best coping methods due to an incomplete diagnosis. So go easy on yourself. It's a learning process. You may have only been given one tool to cope over the years, but now you may have a whole new set to start practicing with. It might be a bit awkward at first, but it's something that grows easier over time, the more you try, and play with it.

What resources have you found interesting? 

[Leesu]

Thank you @Flightrisk I've tried DBT in the past and it helped so much but unexpected life events got in the way and I wasn't able to continue.. 

After a rough start to the year, I've finally enrolled myself for the next Group sessions. 

[Leesu]

Thank you @8ppleTree. I actually spoke to my Social Worker today which helped a lot and mentioned a few things. 

I've enrolled in DBT, but am waiting for confirmation. 

I journal a bit but have been so overwhelmed lately that it gets pushed aside. It's hard to find time when you've got 3 kids. (One being a toddler). But I do manage to check in with a DBT Mindfullness app that my social worker suggested I try.

I did have a psychologist I spoke to frequently, however she ended up leaving the service which left me feeling so frustrated because I finally felt comfortable and had built a rapport with her. I asked the service if I could be referred to another practitioner, however I never heard anything back.

I self referred myself to another service last week and heard from them today, and now have an appointment booked for next week.

[Leesu]

***** Trigger Warning, mention of self harm ********

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

I had a moment today.. I spoke to my social worker and she helped me "unpack" and identify what emotions and feelings and external triggers that led to me having a "Rage" episode. 

It scares me because I don't actually know what I'm like when it happens.

I honestly didn't think my actions were as aggressive as they were. 

I'm trying my hardest not to go into the dark abyss of guilt and shame, which leads to depressive thoughts and in the past my only way out has been self harm.

Content/trigger warning

most of the time i'm in my shower, and that happened today. But this time I didn't reach for my normal tools (yes, it's hard to explain, but i have a favorite utensil i use). Instead i had a really hot shower and then switched it to cold to try and shock myself out of it. It worked and i was able to get passed the urge of hurting myself. I still feel heaps low, and some what agitated.

[tyme]

Hey @Leesu ,

Thank you for sharing.

I just wanted to let you know that your post above aligned with Community Guidelines. A note for future posts is that we ask members not to name any specific self-harm methods, tools etc. You can read about this safety Guideline here. https://saneforums.org/t5/help/faqpage/title/safety This is to ensure the community at large is kept safe.

At the same time, I want to share my own experiences of BPD. I certainly had many episode of BPD rage. I became another person altogether. Agression and violence certainly surfaced which I'm not proud of. 

However, after steady psycho therpay in MBT, things are at an incredible place now. Rages are very very rare. My entire outlook on life has changed. I also engaged in both individual and group therapy on a weekly basis over a span of just over 18 months. I then continued individual therapy for a few years after.

Yes, it was a long process, but it was worth it. It required committment to get the results. 

We look forward to hearing how you go.

[Leesu]

Thanks @tyme for letting me know. Its all still new to me, and apologies ffor breaching the guidelines.