Living with Ourselves

[EternalFlower]

happiest birthday, how did he celebrate? @Oaktree making it to 65 is wonderful, many more happy years for u both going forward 🙂

[Sophia1]

Thank You dear @EternalFlower 

A very lovely, thoughtful message that you left me.

Here is the safest that I feel that I can be on the forums now.

Too much time has passed and so much change which is for the good.

I prefer my own company and a few special people in my real life now.

I cannot tolerate shopping centres and noisy eating places either.

Too much noise and bright lights.

Over stimulation.

The forums feel overwhelming too me now and I am lost on them.

So I just reply to messages that are left for me when I can.

Keep on looking after you also.

We are survivors aren't we.

Take care

Sophia

[Sophia1]

That is hard @Krishna 

I feel honoured that you shared that with me.

Substance abuse has damaged many people and changed them into being unrecognisable.

Very painful for you. You are probably still in disbelief at why and how. I would be.

I understand the need to still want to drive to see her though even though she rebukes you.

You love her deep inside and nothing will take that away from you Krishna. Your girl is within you always as who she really is. 

I ache for all of the years and family moments missed as I sit at other family gatherings feeling like a misfit.

Winter has been very cold, gusty and wild here also.

It is far wetter not that I ever complain about the rain. We need the rain so much in this country.

Our gardens are so refreshed and renewed after.

I soak up so much from my garden and park opposite. This strong connection with the environment I share with both of my boys and I am so happy that they are carrying that on. They both also love books. Hallelujah!

So I have many of their children, books, toys, school work! So many things that they made me in craft.

Cards that they made when they were little.

All precious and help me hold them close.  

I believe that this has been a means of my keeping him close to me.

I see my younger son but he is a very busy man with his work and his own interests and his own home that he is still working on the garden. He does not have much free time. He too likes his own company.

We mainly go out together and do something rather than just visit when we can. 

I know that you have another child also, though that does not take away the pain of what we have missed out on.

My absent one does ring me now but I have to be on eggshells with what I say as he too has major trust issues. Understandably. I cannot ring him he does not answer calls.  I fit in with whatever helps him. This is far more than I have had in decades.

I too desperately want to go and visit him but he keep on saying not yet.

Fear is ingrained within him and of course it would be after everything that he has endured.

I am so grateful with the little that I have which feels like everything every time that I hear his voice now. It is so surreal.  I am worried that the bubble is going to burst.

Krishna I will hold you in my thoughts and wish for you comfort in the memories of the beautiful moments that you did share with your daughter. I am sure that you have photographs everywhere I do.

All from years ago of course. I had to ask him what he looked like now during one phone call.

You can reach me here if you want to leave a message.

Until next time

Sophia friends holding each other up.

[EternalFlower]

Thank you @Sophia1 I relate

I hope one day for all we have survived to be a platform we can stand on to live fully and well

I pray for better and easier times

[outlander]

thinking of you often @Sophia1

[Krishna]

Thank you @Sophia1  A recent stint in hospital has had me reevaluate the amount of energy I invest in my girls situation. I had crossed the threshold and my body has said “enough”. I was allowing her team to share too much information, all negative, none of which I could “fix” and it took its toll. Advice from medical team who cared for me was to step back now. She has all the supports in place keeping an eye on her so I must keep an eye on me. I have called for no communications from her team for the next 6 months unless a matter of urgency. The txt requests for money keep coming from her which I don’t send but do send my love and always will. Her fb photo was updated recently and I hardly recognise my girl. I still weep to release but am training my mind to focus on positives when the sadness comes which is helping me to move forward instead of being stuck ruminating. It’s all one day at a time as it has been for years now but the sudden hospitalisation truly was a wake up call. Looking forward to Spring 🙏❤️🌹

[Jacques]

hi @Sophia1 

Well it is almost spring here, been enjoying pottering around the yard getting it prepared for summer. 

i got a split system installed 2 days ago for mum, it is her first ever one in 76 years, she is loving being toasty warm. had to do some modifications to the house to make it work but it is really good and you would not know i had done anything. so im really pleased with the result. 

i was sitting in my back yard today at lunch time having a coffee and a orange and i had fairy wrens playing around me, 2 brown ones and a beautiful blue and black one, they are so tiny and fragile. it was beautiful to just sit and watch them play and find food.

i should be getting lots of bees in my yard in the next month as my shrubs are about to flower, we get literally hundreds of native and bumble bees that enjoy the nectar of the flowers i can go up to them and almost touch them and they are never bothered by me, i love to watch them busily go from one flower to the next. 

i hope the past week has been gentle to you. i am enjoying the week and have only had a few panic attacks. just being grateful for how lucky i am.  

hugs

Jacques

[Sophia1]

Oh so very sorry to hear the news about your health @Krishna 

Love can be a blessing and a curse.

Is that a quote??

I find love to be quite painful and I know that is because it is my own intensity and depth of feelings.

We do not give up on those we love.

The world judges us and thinks that we have.  The exact opposite is the truth. We have tried to help and allow them to be themselves.

I can remember being told so many times over the years during anonymous conversations about my struggles that I have to put myself first.

That just rolls off of the tongue and I know that all meant well. However, they are not in my story or yours, or that of others who have also drained themselves to the extent where health has been put at risk.

I am not just saying this. I too have been admitted in the emergency dept of hospital for physical health issues which I am currently on a merry-go-round of medical experts pushing and pulling me from pillar to  post. My one specialist for 7 years told me that my situation is now too complex for him! I have been referred to an advanced specialist in the field now and am waiting to get in as is in high demand.  

All of the radiology appointments do my head in.

I know that the cause is stress!

So I focus on getting up every day as an achievement.

If I can get myself outside that is a huge achievement.

I have been moreso lately when the weather has been kind.

I feel for you so much. Our experiences are quite different and yet have so many parallels.

Krishna you and I love our children unconditionally and when you write you send your love to her still my heart beats faster as that is my way also.

I will say to you please take care even though I should heed my own words.

I am disappointed in myself and yet to others I would tell them NO you have never given up despite the impossible circumstances.

Now he asks me how I am and when I hesitate his voice becomes firm and I can sense the fear as he picks up on my treading on eggshells.

I just wish that he would let me visit. 
Too hard for him though. He has been dismissed and judged by the world for the better part of his life. Why would anyone listen to me, I am just a mother!! What is wrong with the medical society?  Why can't they stop putting people in boxes or dismissing them and listen to parents and family who know them the best?

As with your daughter who is on a different path, she is taking her own path.

They are adults now and as hard as it is I now know he has to live his life and feel his own pain. I know even though it hurts incredibly as I still want to protect him.

I have to let go of what I had hoped and wanted for him and I now make myself be aware what he does have and be happy for that.  He has always made friends easily and apart from those who did the wrong thing he has made several new friends in his life now which comforts me in as much as it can.

I hope all of that does not make you feel worse. I could write so much to you as I feel that there is a part of your daughter who is still reaching out to you as her mum even though in the wrong way.

I believe that the self medicating and illness can change how they perceive reality.

They create their own.

If I can give you nothing else but that please hang onto the connection being there even though it is not the way you want it to be.

That is what got me through for so long now.

rest and find peace and harmony in nature's beauty in this world. Spring is around the corner and look at what it will bring us.

Sophia

[Sophia1]

I am not surprised in the least of your latest achievement in home renovation.

You could make a fortune doing up containers and creating spectacular homes.

The gardens would be beautifully landscaped and feel like personal sanctuaries.

@Jacques I know that your mum is beaming and glowing with love for you. She is so very proud of her gifted, loving son.

How you relate to nature matches myself. Yet I cannot go close to bees as I was stung in my early teens on my foot walking barefoot at a swimming pool. I was taught to avoid them which did nothing to help my fear. I have improved and talk to them letting them do their own thing.

My gardenia I finally moved would you believe. I was so frightened to change it's position as it was still alive. It is far healthier now although still in a small pot. I took your advice and feed it (when I remember) and it gets watered well when the sprinklers go on. I am happy with that. I always think of you though when it catches my attention. Oh what would Jacques advise me to do. I do want to repot it though and have a friend who will help as I cannot do that anymore.

I am sorry to hear that you are still experiencing panic attacks though. It has been for quite some time now. Are you receiving any help with that? 

I did get over mine eventually. Medication which I no longer need. Although anxiety is still hanging around. These days I do think that 99percent of the population have anxiety though certainly in the medical and retail world.

I hope that your plants bees and birdlife help bring you calm and aid your breathing regulation.

what will be your next project I wonder?

Take care for now 

Sophia

[Sophia1]

Hello @myself @AlwaysMyself 

I have forgotten your name now.

This is where my safe place on the forums is. I started this quite a few years ago now.

There are some sad thoughts expressed.

There are also happy caring joyous moments too

Life really.

Sorry I cannot remember what you wrote other than you would like to write to me somewhere.

Best you start first here and then I can read and reply here.

I am expecting some intriguing books.

sophia