Feeling caged up

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow it’s been rough, but I think that’s just part of healing. A lot can come up when sitting with emotions. I’ve spent so long trying to run away, I still try to run away. It’s affected my sense of worth, feeling pretty unworthy and constantly feeling guilty that I’ll bring people down by having so much baggage. I don’t feel worthy of love, I wish I did, maybe I’m not there yet.

How are you doing today?

[GezzaP]

Slept for 5 1/2 hours so not too bad. I’m up early again. @creative_writer 

English is my first language. I learnt Spanish during my PhD to be able to read sources in Spanish and do interviews in Cuba. I sat in on Spanish classes at the uni. The teachers corrected my work even though I wasn’t enrolled. I also have certificates from community classes and even from the University of Havana in Cuba.

[creative_writer]

@GezzaP it’s pretty cool that you can speak and read Spanish.

Were you able to get up to much today?

[GezzaP]

@creative_writer I walked to chiro (about 2 km) went to a supermarket nearby and had coffee snd cake. Then I walked back. Watered some pots before leaving for this. Walked around garden alsome more seeds have germinated!
Decided to have a day off gardening today as it’s quite chilly. Read my novel and dozed.

What did you do?

[creative_writer]

@GezzaP still sounds like a productive day. It’s a cool day here too, but I’m still taking the walk.

I did some meal prep, had an Arabic reading class and had my psych appointment. I’m feeling rather irritated right now, not at my psych, but from feeling invalidated from a previous therapist. Probably me just overreacting. Previous therapist said I maximised and minimised my trauma. That I may be stuck because I processed trauma as this bad thing. When I asked her how would I know if I was overreacting, she said I would know. Since then I’ve been tight lipped when talking about SA. I figured, if I don’t talk, nobody can judge me for having unreasonable reactions

[GezzaP]

I’ve still got some shepherd’s pie leftovers. @creative_writer 

Sounds like your old therapist was a bit unclear. Hope new one is better.

Yes I’ve had a reasonable day but also relaxing in the afternoon. Still reading novel. Not hungry yet. Usually I grt hungry at this time of day.

What did you cook?

[creative_writer]

@GezzaP Shepard pie sounds good.

It felt invalidating. I want to know what I need to do to make my reactions normal if they’re not normal. I know I’ve probably made a big deal out of nothing, it could’ve been worse. I rather not open up if I’m going to be judged, I’m too scared to tell my story because the other person may think I’m making a big deal out of nothing. I keep it in, feels so much safer. The thoughts of past SA don’t stop.

I made muffins with eggs, cheese, spinach and spring onions. Also made some more sweet potato and rice.

[GezzaP]

@creative_writer Sounds like a nice dinnet. It is a pity you can’t open up because your therapist might be able to help more. I find I can open up with both my psychistrist and my psychologist.

[creative_writer]

@GezzaP muffins were for the morning. I don’t know how I can open up now, I’m too scared of it not ending well that I just carry the pain alone. It hurts a lot to feel invalidated, I’ve also tried opening up to people in my life a long time ago, I wasn’t always believed

[creative_writer]

I can't help but wonder if I am better off broken