Feeling caged up

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer ,

The fact that you are open to trying new things takes a lot of courage in itself @creative_writer Acknowledge and hopefully you won't be so hard on yourself.

I, too, prefer text communication over verbal. That's just how we are. It doesn't mean anything is 'wrong'. Rather, it's about gfind ways to use our superpowers 🙂

[creative_writer]

@tyme opening up is so hard. It’s been a challenge even with my psych and pdoc. It’s painful to open up.

I struggle with conversations. My mind goes blank sometimes and it’s harder to pay attention, it can get exhausting. Chat gives me the option to think through my response. It’s easier to be more open on chat or even through writing. Maybe it’s just how our brains are wired. Maybe it can be easier to text or chat for some ND folks

[tyme]

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@creative_writer wrote:
@tyme opening up is so hard. It’s been a challenge even with my psych and pdoc. It’s painful to open up.

I struggle with conversations. My mind goes blank sometimes and it’s harder to pay attention, it can get exhausting. Chat gives me the option to think through my response. It’s easier to be more open on chat or even through writing. Maybe it’s just how our brains are wired. Maybe it can be easier to text or chat for some ND folks

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I agree. I feel I'm getting worse at speaking. I'm often talking and by the time I want to share my point, I've forgotten what I wanted to talk about... it's bad!

[creative_writer]

@tyme the forgetful nature of ADHD is awful. I have to make grocery lists from before and keep adding food because I forget. I forget what people say or forget what I want to say. It’s not polite to interrupt but I want to interrupt because I know I am forgetful. I need to get some of the symptoms under control, I’ve upped my supplement dose to see if it makes a difference. It’s a safe dose still, but it is higher than what I was recommended, but I don’t know what else to do.

There is also the option of ADHD meds, my psychiatrist was cautious, but I keep burning out. Since I can’t do things and struggle with motivation, I’m stuck in a rumination loop. I can’t just manage that through willpower alone, I need neurotransmitter support. If supplements are enough, all well, but otherwise it needs further exploration

[AuntGlow]

Good evening, lovely @creative_writer!

How are you feeling today?

I wanted to respond to your message for me from last week:

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@creative_writer wrote:
@AuntGlow I want to feel safe and in control. But I don’t have control of my body. If I don’t have control over my body how am I supposed to feel safe? How am I supposed to sit with the disgust of what has been done to me? The body sensations are more uncomfortable in certain regions of the body. I don’t want to feel it again, it feels too much to have to do it on a regular basis. Maybe I’m just agitated, but thoughts of suicide come up. A part of me just wants to give in, I’m safe.

I feel like I’m stuck in this dark pit and can’t find a way out. I find myself reliving this torture day after day, the thoughts or memories don’t leave. I want to be able to move forward and see hope at the end of the tunnel but I’m finding it super hard right now

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I really, really hear you on this. I can't even fathom how dysregulating and overstimulating this would be for you. I get why it would be hard to connect with a sense of hope from this place. I also know how hard you try to regulate and how educated you are about what's happening for you... I can hear that safety is key. What do you imagine would help you to feel safe? Is there anything you really need to hear or experience in your more heightened moments? 

We want to be here for you as much as we can. 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I am feeling pretty burnt out, thoughts haven't been so loud because I am too tired. I've been sort of disconnected from my body to help me feel more contained. Now that I think about it, I feel discomfort. It's probably trauma that demands to be felt. I find it hard to sit with because I've grown up feeling as though I was meant to push uncomfortable emotions aside. I know I need to, I am for short periods, because avoidance is still there.

Being more present can help me feel safer, like grounding or even prayers.

[AuntGlow]

Thank you for sharing this with me @creative_writer. It would be really tough to explore a new way of being, feeling, expressing... I encourage you to go slow. 

Have you been able to make time for prayer or grounding today? 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I've performed some prayers and went for a walk outside (which can be grounding). I think I might need to talk to my pdoc about the med side effects. I've been feeling lightheaded and foggy lately. Also I seem to crash every afternoon. Not sure if my meds wear off by afternoon. Feeling rather low right now.

I hope you are doing okay 💛

[AuntGlow]

I am glad to hear you are taking care of yourself, lovely. @creative_writer 

I think that's a good idea to check in regarding your medication. 

Have you been doing much writing? 

And I have been feeling a bit up and down energy-wise too! 💛

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I am also having postural intolerances, it’s been worse since the dose increase. Still having lots of low energy and poor immune system. My face was in pain for like a month since viral. I think it’s almost getting there now, but a month is a long time to be sick.

I haven’t been doing much writing.

I hope you are doing okay today 💖