Lived Experience Forum

[JPEG1998]

I am the very definition of insane. 

I may have to go back to the psychiatric ward, for the first time in five years. I might as well live there, since I have Schizophrenia. I thought I was better, right up until another idiot man crossed my path in life.

I have never been in a relationship with any of these men. In fact, I have never been in a relationship at all. I'm 26, and I have, quite frankly, failed at life. I don't want to hear otherwise, because people my age are in happy la-de- f***ing-da relationships with their partners and have the PEEERRRRRRFECT relationships with their family members, where everyone in their family either finished school and or have amazing careers. I'm still a virgin, I'm an only child, I have only two friends who give a **** about me, I come from one of the worst family dynamics you can think of. Every single man that I have had feelings for, people have not approved of, such as my family and the Pentecostal Christian community. This was either due to our age gap and difference of religious backgrounds. I find that my family, and Christians are very discriminatory towards my choices in life. I want no relationship with this "god" creature anymore. I am very fearful of dying, because I have been told that I'll be condemned to a life in hell. 

Anyway, getting back to these stupid men who I am/was unfortunately attracted to against my will, I have had one bus driver completely lead me on, and did not bother to tell me that he had a psycho ex-wife on the side who dictated who he could and couldn't interact with. I've also had another bus driver (who is married) have an affair on his wife with me. I spoke with multiple mental health professionals about the married bus driver in particular, and I was told that I was being groomed. He would kiss me on my cheeks, make sexual comments towards me etc. I informed his manager about what was going on, but he's since been upgraded to buddy driver! Why bus drivers seem to take an interest in me more than other passengers, I don't, and will never know. If you're not attracted to me, LEAVE ME ALONE. Oh, and did I mention that I matched with an accountant of tinder? Well, that AH compared me to an Instagram model with w093578934753894w583495893465734658932 followers. I felt fat, pale and ugly compared to this woman.

I have had ENOUGH. I have spoken with multiple mental health professionals about how I feel, but it just makes me feel worse in the long run.

Help 😞  

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @JPEG1998 Sounds like you have a lot of thoughts going on at the moment. I don't think you sound "insane" just that you've had a bit of bad luck with relationships lately and that's making you feel alone in all of this. You're not alone. 

Comparing ourselves to others is never helpful, we are all unique and have our own strengths to offer the world. You deserve to be treated with respect. 

How are you doing today? 🌻

[LilMapleLeaf]

Hi @JPEG1998 ,

Sounds like you are having a rough go of it at the moment. I'm sorry you are going through all this. 

I think it's incredible brave and powerful of you to recognise you might need some help at hospital and the moment, not a lot of people can do that.

I understand why you feel you've failed at life but from my perspective you haven't. I feel like I'm in the same boat sometimes, feeling like I've failed at life as I am someone also in her late 20's, divorced, not completed an university degree, no valuable friendships and lost my dream career. Last year I was experiencing all of those feelings of failure and worthlessness daily. While right now things aren't amazingly better, I can see a new life I'm creating and getting excited about. 

I also understand your conflict with your religion at the moment. I've also been there. I'm still also going through a bit of a battle in my own life about my faith, I will say one thing that has been important to remember is that the bible teaches love, equality and acceptance of all people. Thats the core of the message, even if those you are interacting with aren't showing that. I hope you can find love and acceptance for yourself.

Relationships and dating in this day of age. OFT! It's rough isn't it! While creating meaningful relationships can be such a joyful thing, I think what is more joyful and important is creating a life you love. Filling your time with your passions and interests and spending your time doing what you love. Are there any hobbies or interests you have that you haven't had time for? Or are there new skills you've wanted to learn?

I'm not sure if what I've said above is helpful or not but I hope you can find some comfort in knowing you aren't alone and that you are doing great just by reaching out for help and recognising what you're struggling with!

[MermaidHair]

Hey @JPEG1998 ,

After everything you just described that you have been experiencing with your family, religion and these men.. I could not help thinking that it is certainly not you who comes across as insane in any of this. This is a lot for anyone let alone somebody managing complex mental health, give yourself some credit.

I know you said you don't want to hear otherwise but you haven't failed, or if you have myself and many others are here failing with you. More than happy to sit with you if you don't mind 🙂

[JPEG1998]

Hey @MermaidHair ,

Thank You so much for putting my original post into perspective. It really means a lot to know that I am not suffering alone, even though it certainly feels that way, as I am an only child 😭

[JPEG1998]

Hey @LilMapleLeaf ,

Thank You. I have been hospitalised more than once for mental health. Two places were great. The other, not so much. So I am definitely very weary about going back to hospital for mental health as I don't feel entirely safe at one.

I am incredibly sorry to hear about your breakdowns in life. It is never too late to start again - something that I need to remind myself 😊

Religion makes me feel depressed, because I want to believe in God, but I find that many Bibles are very contradictory in the sense that they state one thing, but doesn't support another thing (if that makes sense)? It doesn't help that I grew up with a mother who follows the Uniting Church method of Christianity, and a father who follows the Jehovah's Witness method of Christianity. As you can tell from that one sentence alone, I am messed up in so many ways. And that is just speaking from a religious point of view. 

In terms of relationships, I am still a virgin, and I want to marry. I have always wanted to lose my virginity to who I feel is the 'right guy.' Guys have wanted to take my virginity, but then backed away for reasons unknown. Probably because they weren't interested enough in me. Strange. I think that forming a good rapport with a hottie comes first, and then exploring possibilities of a friendship and then potentially a relationship after that. But I am absolutely paranoid that this man who I have the hots for is in a relationship. And this gives me extreme anxiety. Why? Probably because I am an introvert. With regards to hobbies, I am current only studying Year 12 (at the age of 26) at adult school! I really want to do well and go to university as well. Deep down, I have goals and aspirations, but I keep allowing my mental health and lack of confidence to hold me back 😥

[JPEG1998]

Hey @Paperdaisy ,

I am doing a lot better. I actually have an idea. I would like to write down the reasons as to why I should stay alive when I am feeling suicidal. For example, this forum! 

[tyme]

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@JPEG1998 wrote:

Hey @Paperdaisy ,

I am doing a lot better. I actually have an idea. I would like to write down the reasons as to why I should stay alive when I am feeling suicidal. For example, this forum! 

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Great idea there @JPEG1998 !

[LilMapleLeaf]

@JPEG1998 

I can understand your concern about going back to hospital when you didn't feel safe the last time. Are you able to access one of the ones you had a better experience with?

Absolutely you are correct, and I am also reminding myself of that too.

It can be such a tough and lonely experience to be questioning your faith. Have you heard much about the concept of faith deconstruction? Here is a definition I found useful on what deconstruction is "the process of taking apart and examining an idea, tradition, practice, or belief to determine its truthfulness, usefulness, and impact." A lot of people who grew up in the church are going through deconstruction and I think it is a really useful thing to do and something you might be interested in looking into. I just searched for some websites that might be able to give you a starting point and understanding of what this means and how it may help:

Explanation of Deconstructing Faith 

Guide to Faith Deconstruction 

I hope these links can maybe give you a bit of a starting point to help you to untangle and understand those questions you're facing.

I can understand your stress around all this. I do agree with you and think the best relationships start from a friendship as you get to know the other person. Do you think you would be able to talk to this guy and ask if he's in a relationship?

Hey thats amazing that you're going back and completing your schooling! That can be such a scary experience that people won't do it out of fear, you should be so proud that you are doing that! I can understand where you are coming from talking about "allowing" your mental health to hold you back but I just want to say, you aren't allowing anything, it isn't your fault. Mental health issues are going to exist whether we want them to or not. Part of your recovery journey is about learning to create a meaningful life for yourself along side your mental health.

I also saw on another reply you suggested a wonderful idea of reasons to stay alive, thats amazing! If you can, I would suggest making it a big and bright poster you can put somewhere you see every day, maybe a bathroom mirror or on the roof above your bed so you can see it and have the daily reminder.