Lived Experience Forum

[Pem]

Hi Guys, 

I recently came on here to talk about whats happened to me in the last 2 weeks. 

But I'm getting to the super overwhelmed stage, where i dont know what i want or where i want to be. 

I've been given an opportunity to be part of a band that will be performing at a private function with about 150 people. I will be singing. But i am packing myself. I just dont have enough confidence and its people that arent ur average people. 

I usually say yes to this kind of stuff and so the people that have asked me r just expecting me to do (including my family). 

But im so so scared, i dont feel good enough for it 😭but i dont want to let anyone down by saying no. 

Any suggestions on what i should do? 

Life feels like its crashing down on me at the moment. 😖

Mental struggles 

@PinkFlamingo, @tyme, @Shaz51 @StanD 

[Shaz51]

ohh @Pem how exciting and overwhelming at the same time

you wrote (I usually say yes to this kind of stuff), have you done this before ?

@lavenderhaze , @moderator , @tyme 

[Pem]

Yep i have @Shaz51 

I used to do it a lot during school etc, but im out of there now and havent done it consistantly for a few years. 

So i'm deifnitely on the rusty side of things. oh and also its in 3 weeks 🙈

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @Pem 🙂

I can imagine how daunting this must be if you have not done it for a while. However, I was wondering if there are things that are exciting you about this opportunity? Sometimes, our fears take over, and we forget to look past them. I used to be painfully shy when I was a kid and had a lot of social anxiety. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of that. I don't beat myself up for it because that's how I felt then. But slowly, I worked on it and tried to put myself in uncomfortable situations to challenge myself, and the anxiety reduced considerably. It's still there a lot of the time but I am able to push through now 🙂 

[Xibon]

Hey @Pem thanks so much for posting.

It sounds like you've had a lot to think through and deal with in the past couple of weeks, and I think withdrawing and feeling overwhelm in this situation is totally understandable 

While it's terrific that you've been given this opportunity, it seems like it's also quite terrifying, and though I can't speak for you, I know myself that I would feel quite daunted by the prospect of performing infront of that crowd. It's also unfortunate that it seems there's people who have placed expectations on you which (from what I understand) you aren't exactly comfortable with, and don't feel able to communicate with them about. I hope that sounds correct?

With all this said, I'm certain you are more than worthy of playing at this event, should you wish to. It seems that others trust also that you are capable, and I'm certain they wouldn't have asked you if they didn't think highly of your abilities and skills as a musician. 

HOWEVER

You have a right to express your discomfort, and to say 'no'. If you do not fully consent to the performance, your voice is important, and deserves to be heard. If you truly are not comfortable, or simply wish to express your anxiety surrounding the situation, you have that right. Please don't put yourself in any situation which will cause you distress.

Are there any 'safe' people close you who you can talk to? It may help to have someone along for support if you decide to talk to the people who first requested the performance.

Whatever you choose, or if you simply need to talk, we're here. I hope that you are treating yourself with kindness through this ordeal, and not thinking lowly of yourself for the desire to communicate healthy boundaries to others 💜

With kindness,
Xibon

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Pem , 

Wow 150 people is quite the crowd and 3 weeks is not quite a lot of preparation time especially if you are feeling rusty! You must be talented if the members of this band asked you though.

I think it would be totally reasonable to say

"thankyou so much for this oppurtunity and while I'm grateful I don't think I have the confidence or time needed for preparation. I would love to work with you on future events with fewer numbers to build my confidence". (Or if you don't want to do gigs, emit that part) 

I think that challenging yourself can be a real learning moment and remind you what you are capable of but if it's stressing you out hugely and the only reason you're thinking of doing it is to avoid letting people down than you shouldn't do it. 

[Pem]

thank you for ur out look @Xibon . I tried telling them i didnt want to do it, but yeah it back fired. They said if im not going to be in it, then theres no point having a band at the day😪.

So it looks like I'm to have to do it. I'm totally crapping myself, i seriously dont want to do it.

But i suppose i need to get over myself and do it haha.

[Asgard]

Hi @Pem 

I am reading so many conflicting thoughts in all the replies, but that just shows how human we all are.  You are not only a singer, but the main one.  All of which tells me, that you can sing, people have heard you sing and liked what they heard, so good in fact that they want you, yes you, to be lead singer on the night.

I know from experience that I would be crapping myself and physically sick before speaking in front of a crowd, but once I was out there, all fears left and I always enjoy it.  I always felt as if I left the person who has all these fears behind when I got the microphone.

You should trust yourself more, remember how you felt last time you sang, concentrate on that feeling.  We all have fears and doubts about ourselves which try to constrain us, but you have a gift, the gift of music so try and embrace it.

Wishing you the best whatever you decide 🙂

[8ppleTree]

Hey @Pem 

If you don't want to do it, you don't have to. They would understand if they knew how it made you feel. Your friends wouldn't want you to suffer. 

However, if you do decide you want to go ahead, maybe you can you hold a few practice gigs beforehand? Might be alright to set up somewhere down near the shops, ie busking-style and practice being in front of a crowd again. I think that's half of it. The nerves will settle after a while, but building them up with nothing to let off the steam in between now and then would be HARD 🙂 

How do you like to sing? Low lighting, loud and fast, heavy instrumentals, etc? If you can set it up how you like it, and make it as enjoyable as possible, ie make it YOUR day, YOUR way, you may find it easier, rather than it being about and for everybody else, if that makes sense? 

Hope you have a great day, Little Songbird 🩵

[Pem]

Thanks @Asgard, that helped a lot. 

I'm going to give it a shot. and go off what u said about that feeling. 

Thank you so much, i really appreciate it!❤