Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

It's raining outside and i am cold

i often wonder about my lack of childhood

where did it go

i can't remember a lot of it

except the horrible horrible bits

why me?

i think was it me

did i do something wrong

why did they chose me

why not others

i crave for my childhood back

without the abuse, the anger, the hurt

but i can't 

it's gone 😞

i've lost a big part of my innonence

my childhood i dreamed of having

the love i never got

the hurt i keep getting

if only i said no

if only i didn't do what he told me

if only i could have yelled

or just ran away

i often think why me

why didn't i speak up

why did i wait 40 odd years

i just don't know

their tricks, their plans

it wasn't known

i had no idea

until i got caught in a room

why why and why

i often wonder

if only i could have my time back 

why did you take it from me

i hate you for what you did

and i hate you even more

because the family don't know

i hate that you have control over me

still after all these years

if only i could speak up

why me

i now just want to be left alone

in a corner on my own

to cry, scream and punch a wall

to ask myself - why me?

[Emelia8]

@BlueBay   💔😢

Emelia 🌸

[Jupiter]

@BlueBay 

[Owlunar]

Haven't you punished yourself enough about your childhood abuse @BlueBay?

I understand that this was horrible and it always will be - it did destroy your childhood and take your innocence - however childhood and innocence are replaced by adulthood and experience - traits that are powerful and empower us to lead our lives 

You are so stuck in  your past - there is only one thing you can do and that is accept what happened and let it go - but you are still giving your power to your perpetrators and your mother and it will never bet better until you can see that you didn't cause your childhood abuse or make your mother the way she is or change her

Does anyone have a perfect childhood? Maybe a few people - I wonder though if they learned much in such oblivion of life - maybe they did -

I have things in my childhood I remember but never talk about - let alone write about - mostly about my mother - I have just let those things go - I can't change the past about anything and I am have been doing the best with my life for decades and decades and I wish you could do the same

It actually breaks my heart that you are wasting your life tearing yourself up about your past as if you caused it in some way and I think you know you didn't cause it - it happened - and it was a crime

You wrote:

"I had no idea

Until I got caught in a room"

You were trapped but now you are not trapped there now - maybe there is something else you can do - perhaps it's time now to go to the police and make a statement about historical rape without making excuses to yourself

I know you are miserable and you will be until you free yourself and only you can do that and I want that so much for you

Dec

[Jupiter]

Hey @BlueBay you have shared a really vulnerable part of yourself in your original post. I can hear that a lot of anger is coming up for you today and you are looking for ways to manage it. Are you able to contact a helpline to talk this through instead of self-harming?

[BlueBay]

No there's nothing I can do right now @Jupiter 

@Owlunar  

I can't go to the police 

I'm angry and I was venting 

yes I was a child 

I did as I was told 

ok my thinking is off 

you're right I need to stop 

im sorry I've let everyone down 

I shouldn't post stuff like this snymire 

I've let myself down so much 

I'm sorry 

[Owlunar]

@BlueBay 

It's not that you write it that is so painful  - what you write is the truth and this is tearing you down 

You need to change the way you let your memories destroy you  - that's whats wrong  - not what you remember or what you write 

Dec 🦉😷

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay Constantly living in the past and wishing we could change the things we can't robs us of any future. We cannot change what has happened but we can change how we let it have such influence over our here and now and therefore also a way forward. Accepting that we cannot change our past is the first step in both moving forward and building a life we want. You are the only one that can do that though - your brother, your mother, your supports or your family cannot do that for you - and constantly wantng what you have no way of having does not help. You are not that child anymore and despite what happened to you was extremely unfair and horrible - you have to live your life as an adult, live it for what you have now and live it for the life you can have not for the life you feel you have already lost. We all have things in our past we would change if we could but that is not possible - so live for now and recognise tat the now is all we have with all the beautiful and wonderful things that we have in our lives - focus on them and you can begin to move forward.

[Millieme]

@BlueBay  

You've said nothing wrong, expressing yourself is supposed to be safe here. 

Your thoughts/feelings are shared by many who've had similar experiences, processing those thoughts will happen in the time it needs to for you (not anyone else's expectations/timelines).