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Something’s not right

CLA
Contributor

When is enough enough?

It’s been a while since I’ve been on the forums but could use peoples perspective. 

Quick recap. Bipolar husband. Two kids (9&6 now). Husband gave up work almost two years ago. Initially massive improvement in his wellbeing leaving his toxic workplace. We had just finished paying off our home so we were in a position for him to stop work. I have a good paying job. I can count on one hand the number of jobs he’s applied for since. He hasn’t done any retraining. He has been working from home, however it perhaps totals 1-2 hour a day. He has made himself available for the kids before and after school, evenings when I’m at work, getting them to sport or after school activities. What I’m struggling with is the lack of effort he puts in to the general running of our home/our lives. Life admin. He does the bare minimum. Is it unfair of me to expect that the majority of this fall on him because I’m working for the family? The roles were reversed when I was on maternity leave (even though I still brought in as much money as him - even when I wasn’t working). My other sore point is his alcohol consumption. Before he was unwell, he’d easily have one beer while cooking dinner. Done. No more. I didn’t have a problem w it. During the thick of his diagnosis, there was excessive alcohol which would lead to verbal abuse, lots of fighting, and a lot of bad memories for me. So to say I’m nervous about him and alcohol is an accurate statement. Recently his drinking has increased again. It’s not everyday, maybe once a week. My issue is, he’ll set himself a limit “I’ll just have four” but then he’ll have the four then drink 3/4 bottle of wine. When he drinks he becomes hypersensitive to anything I say, misunderstandings come easily and then he becomes belligerent. At this point, I withdraw because I know there’s no point trying to reason with him in this state. He becomes remorseful overnight/next day. Makes promises. I forgive him because it’s easier than fighting. Then the whole thing happens again.

MY QUESTION: when is enough enough? Am I the a***hole? Are my concerns legitimate? When does it go from supporting your spouse through a rough patch in their life to being taken advantage of? How do I say ‘that’s enough’ without being the bad guy?

Thanks guys! xx

8 REPLIES 8

Re: When is enough enough?

hello and welcome @CLA to the forum 

how are you going today , letting you know that you are not alone my friend 

alcohol  and wine and meds dont really go together and it is easy to go with one drink growing into more 

has your husband have a health care team , or someone who might be able to give him a suggestion about his drinking ??

I will tag you into another thread if you like 

@Former-Member, @Smc 

Re: When is enough enough?

If you're not happy then your concerns are legitimate. 

You have to establish boundaries with what you are willing to accept. 

He definitely should be stepping up with the house stuff if you are the primary income earner. 

Wiykd it help to just have a conversation with him about what you need? 

wishing you all the best x

Re: When is enough enough?

Hey there @CLA how have you been travelling since your post? Definitely can understand the drinking being frustrating, especially as you probably feel some anxiousness in the lead up. It's disappointing and frustrating to deal with at times. In terms of your boundaries, you mentioned you forgive him a lot to avoid a fight - keen to hear more about this if you're up for it? Sometimes with interpersonal connections, it is boundaries that really can help instigate a lot of change. Look forward to hearing from you and hope you're travelling okay.

Re: When is enough enough?

Following because I need the same advice. I'm in an extremely similar position. I want to be supportive but I'm not coping with taking on all the work he's not doing AND then being told I'm unsupportive and 'bad guy' when discussions go south, which they invariably do. I'm right there with you.

Re: When is enough enough?

hello and hugs @CLA@Schuberta HeartHeart

hello @Sofia@nashy 

Re: When is enough enough?

Hey there. I forgive him rather than continue giving him the cold shoulder. There is always a fight before this though. I have set boundaries/expectations. I’m not afraid to say what it is I want/would like to see happen. He just apologise and then does what he wants. He says that you can’t tell someone if or how much they can drink but when they behave so poorly then i think I have a right to say No this is not on. I don’t want this in my life.

Re: When is enough enough?

He has in the past had a health care team that have told him it’s ok for him to drink. Problem is, he doesn’t drink beer that’s one standard drink. One beer will be (one type he drank) 2.7 standard drinks. So he told his psychiatrist he has “3” beers but it’s not is it? So he runs with that and says he can drink. I don’t have a problem with alcohol - but when someone consistently sets themselves limits and then cannot withhold them and changes the rules to
Suit themselves then I think that’s indicative of a problem with alcohol.

Re: When is enough enough?

Looks like we’re in this together @Schuberta Please feel free to share
More of Your story/situation with me if you wish to. Take care xx
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