Winter solstice

[NatureLover]

I'm fearful of criticism and anger towards me too, @Dimity . Not sure I'd take it too well if my psychologist shouted at me. 

That might be good insight that isolating avoids criticism and anger. For me too, if I think about it. 

I'm sorry your family are yet again putting massive pressure on you 😥

I'm glad to hear you're eating. 

[AuntGlow]

How are things feeling for you today? @Dimity 💛

[Dimity]

Hello @AuntGlow mixed feelings. 

I'm nearly at the end of my legal saga so things are looking up. Now to wrestle with the next stages (IT hassles).

Counselling is at another crossroads and I might have to forego the individual therapy I'd started to pursue family reconciliation.

Now to follow up on recommended health checks.

Depression/anxiety/stress very serious (no surprise to me but the psychologist didn't expect it from my demeanour). 

I'm muddling on, persisting despite not really getting anywhere. Open to glimmers, and there are some. It will be good if they grow.

[AuntGlow]

I am so happy to hear you're almost at the end of your legal saga. I know how hard you've been working and I honestly can't imagine how exhausted you must feel. @Dimity 

Okay, how does it sit with you to focus on family reconciliation right now?

What did your psychologist say or do to support you? 💛

I would love to hear some of your glimmers. And not because I think we should negate the challenge you're experiencing, but because you deserve to feel joy and lightness. 🥰

[Dimity]

Yes I'm very tired @AuntGlow . But trying to take the next small steps to move forwards.

I don't feel I have much agency re the family situation.  Others seem to have the power and control. I'm trying again to find a family therapist. 

The psychologist is urging me to be decisive and take actions where I'm ambivalent because I see the alternatives as all having negative consequences, but continued inaction is also intolerable. I guess that's something I'm hoping family therapy will help resolve. The psychologist hasn't said anything about coping strategies but suggested EMDR might help.

There are glimmers but they're hard to hold onto, they tend to fade. I think I've had some from extended family and birdlife and garden the last few days. Right now the sound of rain is soothing although it's chilly.

[AuntGlow]

As always, I think you're incredibly resilient and have so much more capacity than you may realise. @Dimity 💛

Not having much agency in the family would feel very vulnerable... 😔 Where do you feel like you do have a sense of control or feel empowered in this situation?

I understand what you mean about the continued inaction feeling intolerable. What action would you like to take next? 

Yes, EMDR could be very helpful here. 🥰

Honestly, those little glimmers sound lovely. The rain has been very soothing, hasn't it? Do you have a glimmer that's come up for you today at all?

[Dimity]

@AuntGlow there's been another hiccup in the family situation. I'm not sure if I can, or will be allowed to, help. It's hard to analyse the way you suggest when I'm constantly on the back foot, reacting to one crisis after another.  But I'll return to it.

No glimmers today. 

I'll see what I can do tomorrow. 

[AuntGlow]

I am sure this is really overwhelming for you @Dimity. There's never any pressure to answer my questions, I am always happy to just listen and hold space if that feels a little easier right now. 🥰

How has today been for you?

[Dimity]

@AuntGlow thanks I really appreciate your patience with me. You ask very thoughtful questions that make me reconsider things. 

I seem to be in stop-start mode at present. I try to move forwards but then things change or something blocks me. 

I'm back to trying to pursue family therapy but there are repeated breakdowns in communication. I'm constantly anxious.

I'm trying to rediscover routines and rhythms to carry me through. 

Today's glimmers were a lawnmowing visit, and remembering a favourite poem. 

[Dimity]

@AuntGlow 

"Not having much agency in the family would feel very vulnerable... 😔 Where do you feel like you do have a sense of control or feel empowered in this situation?"

I'm lost. The people who said they were open to therapy aren't responding. I don't know if I'm blocked or just being ignored. I can't get through to them to pass on an offer to waitlist us. Meanwhile I'm an emotional mess, conflicted about their simultaneous neediness and rejection, and haemorrhaging financially. 

"I understand what you mean about the continued inaction feeling intolerable. What action would you like to take next?" 

I don't know. I've been conflicted for years. That's the point at which the psychologist shouted at me and insisted on a course of action that I'd held off on for years because it could harm the person in question. It might now be possible but now I need the mental bandwidth and resolve to do it. It would be nice if it could be done amicably with the guidance and support of a family therapist. Back to square one.