i found myself broken

[ohanais]

Hi all - I feel as though I need to explain myself...

@outlander@CheerBear@Zoe7@Faith-and-Hope@Phoenix_Rising@Shaz51 @Owlunar @Former-Member@TAB@MDT@Former-Member@Former-Member@oceangirl@Mazarita@Maggie@soul@eth

As you may or may not have noticed.. a few days ago my old account @dazedanais left The Forums.. I found myself so broken and unwanting of life and just felt like a complete burden. I had a massive breakdown and harmed myself a lot. I know I made a mistake in leaving these Forums, I have made so many nice, lovely friends and now I just feel as though I have messed it all up. It is all on me. I am sorry. I felt embarrassed of making an account again so early but I realised it was something I need.. because as pathetic as it sounds. You guys are the only people I have to talk to.


I have been breaking so incredibly hard. I have questioned my own safety and have also been too afraid to seek help for my current state. I feel so GUILTY for it. I am so sorry. I have felt like an annoyance too because of how unwell I have been and then everyone concentrates on my wellbeing and I think - you need to contentrate on YOURSELF not @dazedanais who is a complete stranger.. because I do not deserve anyone's time. I do not deserve it  I am at such a low. Today alone I found myself needing and actually requiring an ambulance to be called after certain tendencies... I won't mention. Again this is all MY FAULT. I don't know why I am like this. I hate to be such a disappointment to you all and my actual family.

I am so so afraid. So afraid. I no longer feel safe with myself and I don't know what to do about it. I am afraid of the aggressive, condescending and punshments that would come out if I would need to go to hospital again.. so I am avoiding it. At the same time - I don't know if I can remain safe anymore.

I havent stopped crying all day, I feel so numb. I am back but again I am so so so SORRY. it is all my fault

[Phoenix_Rising]

@ohanais I noticed you were missing when I tried to tag you. I am in a bit of a muddle myself right now but I am super glad you are back. It is totally ok to not be ok.

[CheerBear]

I just lost a post replying to your other post @ohanais.

It is great to see you back. I looked for you and have been hoping to see you again soon. When I first joined I left after a few weeks and then returned after only a few days too. I realised how much I was getting from being here when I didn't have here to be. You, like I, did what you felt you needed to do in leaving, and then what you felt was right in returning. You can't really do much more than that. I don't think any of it is silly or anything that needs being sorry about or feeling embarrassed by. I do remember how hard it was making my first post as CheerBear so well done to you on being brave.

I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you that you're feeling afraid. You're in good company here as many of us live/have lived through it too. Things change, even when they don't feel like they will or they are, and I hold on to that during times like this. It's painful and so frustrating sometimes though.

I'm not far away from bed, but I wanted to reply before I head off because it really is great to see you back. You do deserve support and care, and I am so glad you're back with us. I hope it helps you being here, like it helps so many of us.

Hope to catch you tomorrow 💗

[outlander]

@ohanais

im glad you back. i did notice that you were gone 😞

but im glad your back now

you arent a burden or worthless or anything negative that your thinking of yourself. you are struggling and you are in need of some help. please dont be afraid to ask for help. you deserve and need it just as much as anyone else here.

if those who were and are supporting you didnt want to then they wouldnt have offered. people here care and are willing to support and help you.

thats the great thing about the forums, people here actually get it and understand what it is that your feeling.

i can hear how afraid you are but we are all here, listening to you and offerring the advice that we can to help you through it.

and also you said you wouldnt have anyone else to talk to other than people here on the forums, thats true for many other users as well inclduing myself

im glad your back

[TAB]

No disappointments here and don't feel bad about people here. @ohanais 😀 Please get help , not good to feel so bad. Bad is just a feeling tho..

[ohanais]

@Phoenix_Rising

I am so sorry to hear you are in a muddle yourself - it is though, so lovely to "hear your voice again" ❣

[ohanais]

That really means a lot @CheerBear

We sound to share that in common. I thought of joining back almost instantly, it was as though it was an instant regret but at the same time I just wanted to isolate myself away from everything and everyone so that 'I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone'. As they say, the less time spent with people - the less they need to heal. Those ST have definitely been out and loud lately. I didn't know that this has also happened to you. It can be so confusing 😞

Definitely. Thank you - again for your words. I wouldn't want to hold you up too much. I hope you sleep well and hope to talk soon also. I really enjoyed and enjoy talking with you. You are so kind - thank you. We can all hold onto eachother and share so so so many similaries.

Feeling like this isn't nice at all 💔

[Zoe7]

@ohanais Welcome back buddy  I have been absent for a few days also - similar scenario - not wanting to be a burden, not being able to articulate how I am feeling or what I am going through and finding it very difficult to think of people here without not wanting to place any pressure on anyone to support me through all this. But what both you and I find really hard to accept is exactly what this forum is about - supporting each other. I find it so very difficult to ask for help and the worse I get or the deeper into the darkness I descend - the harder again it becomes. I know you also 'pull away' from people, from connecting, when you are in this same place - it is hard (very hard). I believe that neither of us feel like we are worthy of the love and support shown to us because that would mean breaking habits and beliefs that have developed over our whole lives. How can we change these attitudes when hurt and pain is all we have ever known?

It is ok to be afraid - I live with fear everyday - fear for what will come next, fear of being hurt yet again, fear of living, fear of dying and fear of how very dark my world feels. But you do not have to shoulder all those fears yourself @ohanais - that is what this community is for - to share the burden, share to pain, share in each others' journeys. 

...and there is definitely no need to be sorry about anything - you are here, you are talking and we are listening  ...and above all @ohanais we care and support you  

[ohanais]

@outlander I didn't think anyone would notice - or would even realise @dazedanais used to be a member.. But - I saw your message on the other thread too that I am about to reply too. I hope your study has gone well. 💕

It is so hard to ask for help in a place and situation so tough. You wouldn't know how close I was to dialling 000 today but I just couldn't as I was surrounded by shame and fear... and just didn't do it as I stood there crying and feeling absolutely unsafe with myself. I am home alone every day - and I don't know how I will get through tomorrow 💕

You are all so kind here to each other and myself. Thank you outlander - I APPRECIATE it more than words can describe.

Glad we do have eachother definitely in times of loneliness as it can be so crushing. Last time we spoke, you weren't doing so well either and I do hope you are okay and today has been okay at the very least.

I feel so so stuck and still so anxious and embarrassed about starting up here again - maybe i will get over it

[Former-Member]

Hi @ohanais 💜💕
No need to be sorry or embarrassed.
I've left and came back.
Kind of feels silly, I know, but, oh well. 😀

Sorry you're going through a terrible dark time.
I've been there and I know how awful it feels.
Most of us have been there and understand.

It takes alot of effort to get well.
Not so easy to make that effort when feeling so low.
Keep searching for the right help for you. I've had good, bad and really bad therapists.
But the good one's were worth seeing.

Do you read? I find reading self help books from the library hepful. There are times when I can't read anything.
I'm reading a book called, Heal your PTSD,dynamic strategies that work at the moment.
Unfortunately there's no easy fix.

I'm heading in the shower now.

Hugs to you. 💗💟