My husband survived childhood trauma. My older stepdaughter recently disclosed to me memories of trauma of both herself and younger sister on multiple occasions whilst her Mum was dating an ex boyfriend. I'm very aware it hurts my husband to talk about, but for their sake I must as he's their biological parent when necessary for their physical and mental health needs. I'm glad my stepdaughter can talk to me, but I feel I have nobody who I can share my feelings with about our life. Half of my family has trauma dumped memories of the past few years. It saddens me that they miss out on remembering the good memories for the sake of obliterating the unsafe ones. I've always preferred group therapy, and certain techniques like cbt don't work for me as I have aphantasia. I'm waiting until December to see my psychiatrist again, but I hope I can find solace here with others who understand these struggles
I agree it is such a shame that our brains have the habit of remembering negative memories and criticism over the joyful moments and kind words. The bias of the human brain hey.
Hi @CarryOnPorkChop , I'm glad you've reached out. It sounds like you love your stepdaughter and husband both and want them both to have what they need and keeps them safe, whilst still being able to appreciate life and positive memories. 🥰
Does your stepdaughter have any additional supports to talk to about her experiences? E.g. a counsellor?
It can be very challenging to be carry your own daily struggles and also helping support others too. It is very important to have support for yourself too, and I'm glad you're making steps towards that. ☺️
I can relate to "miss out on remembering the good memories for the sake of obliterating the unsafe ones", although not through a deliberate process - likewise for me it was my child brain's defense I guess to not be able to remember them?
I replace the lack of childhood memories with stories I hear/learn from my family about that time. And then I can choose which ones, so actually I can focus on the funny memories or the ones that help me make sense of who I am and my natural instinctual behaviours before I had MH challenges.
Im not sure if this perspective helps at all. Im not sure if anyone else does it or just me haha.
Im actually really curious to learn more about "aphantasia" if you are comfortable/open to sharing?
The reason is, I had to google what it was, and I realised myself a few months ago that I dont generally have visual memories. But if someone says to me "picture an apple" I can briefly picture one for half a second-- but its like a clip art style one 🤣.
I have no idea if this is at all similar to aphantasia?
(1940S ERA) The great grandfather was a PDF who did things to his daughter.
(1960s ERA) "NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENED TO MY MOTHER THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BUT SHE TALKS CONSTANTLY ABOUT "PDFS ON TV AND IN THE COMMUNITY"
(1980s/1990s) My father did things to my mother's children and my mother is angry about being Divorced and has covered up with happened to her children and has never paid for therapy.
(2020s) My brother has a stepchild who is his best little buddy and he sits with the stepchild right on his lap the same way his father sat with him while DOING THINGS. My mother sits in the same room puffing on her cigarettes quite proud that her son (SA victim) is "such a loving stepfather and going to provide a grandchild one day".
Conclusion: My mother has the brain disease of adults and children being in inappropriate relationships, and she thinks that boundaries are wrong and I would assume that inside her head she's replaying "NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN HER AND HER OWN GRANDFATHER OR FATHER".
Summary: I believe that PDFs and enablers have a no boundaries mindset.
How I cope: RADICAL ACCEPTANCE......every so often I feel so sick and enraged that my mother is on the bad side of life and that not one day of her life has she renounced CSA or said its bad/wrong. In my mind I think SHE is bad/wrong and that CSA is TERRIBLE!
When I went to therapy I was reminded constantly about the wrongness and it upset me.
I quit going to therapy and when I get angry about the situation i say to myself "ONE IN FOUR GIRLS, ONE IN SIX BOYS, I AM GRATEFUL TO BE BREAKING THE CYCLE WHERE MANY PEOPLE ARE CONTINUING IT"
Another thing I hate about my mother is her victim complex. "Nothing ever happened to me but my husband left me and my kids are mentally ill so I am entitled to be a toxic influence and addict"
My response: "I REFUSE TO BECOME A TOXIC PERSON JUST BECAUSE MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS VICTIM-ABUSER-SICKO-WHOCARESO mindset"
It's very tough but ultimately its just knowing the difference between right and wrong. If people have been SA'd don't identify them as victims, identify and work on their strengths and their reslience and "life after trauma" where you can soak in the trauma and let it drown, or, stuff it into a coffin and keep living.
Keep living, life is amazing. PDFs are terrible. The terrible people damage what is amazing. Keep doing, believing and creating amazing things and opportunities. Not just for yourself but for animals, rivers, plants, soil, other humans, and be amazed at the power of your own positive actions, doing the opposite of what abusers do.
@Sugarshack@AlwaysMyself thank you so much for sharing your experiences and resilience with me. I wrote a whole better response but lost it!!! Long story short you encouraged me to keep doing what I'm already doing. As long as we all keep validating our experiences, learning from them and support each other along our healing journey I'm sure we'll make it through the inevitable hurdles along the way.
Also thanks to my amazing stepdaughter I was able to realise that I had aphantasia. It was a bit of a mind blowing revelation. I never really understood the meaning of phrases such as "imagine", "use your minds eye", "visualise", "daydream", "photographic memory", "visual learner" and sadly "flashbacks".
I still have PTSD but not with visuals, my memories are more emotion based and aided by photos. Without photos or videos I would never be able to relive a memory visually. I'm easily able to live in the moment, but can be easily overstimulated as well. I felt different to others, but at the same time had no idea that anyone thought differently to me. I assumed everybody thought the same way I did, I can still overthink but I don't hear voices either. I explain that my brain is like Emmett's from the lego movie. Absolutely void. Reading a book is just words on a page... Never understood what everyone meant by "the book was better than the movie"
You're right that there's a scale of being able to see pictures. My Mum is like you, my Dad was like me (and I always resonated with him), and my sister/uncle appear to have the opposite of hyperphantasia. My brothers have echolalia (thinking audibly/inner voice) as well. I don't have that either...
I don't get visual flashbacks either, but sometimes "feel" it in my body instead - the discomfort. I am very fortunate that I am not at all anxiety prone, and seemingly don't have PTSD from trauma. But it may be part of the reason I have treatment resistant depression, so I didnt escape repercussions entirely lol.
I can't relate to people "reliving" memories, or "playing it like a movie" in their mind. I also am terrible at being able to recite visual details of places I have been unless I was focusing on them. People would often say "you remember walking past the xxx" or "the walls were xx colour" and I'm just blank, nope not a clue. 😅 have no visual recall at all.
I can half-picture people i know really well (like my parents, partner) but again just a quick flash like a photo. Actually, I think the flash *is* the photo of them in my phone contacts list 🤣 so maybe that is why. I can picture my brother-in-law but not my sister; and come to think of it, his has a photo of him and hers does not! 🤔 wow that is interesting.
Can most people conjure up an image of people they've known their whole life?? 😅😅
I have an almost constant dialogue in my brain with myself lol. I just assume that is normal??
I mean, I know it is me talking to myself. I debate ideas, make observations, analyse things... all talking inside my brain. Its how I see multiple perspectives on a topic/issue, my brain has a few voices taking up different persona (fictional perspectives).
...is this not how everyone elses brain works too? 😅
@AlwaysMyself it makes sense that it can be hard to relate to others. My husband can form an image of loved ones in his head but obviously I've never been able to...
Not for me, but for you yes. Because you lack the visual - or if you want to view it positively that because your strength is auditory based thought - that's the correlation. I like to think brains are like computers with different operating systems (neurotypicals, neurodivergence, aphantasia, hyperphantasia, echolalia, etc). That is why mental health is different for everyone as our brains are so unique. We're all the same but experience the world differently. My brain is built around emotions/ words I think...
