Trying makes it worse

[tonys]

Well  I'm a little honoured that you shared that with me..       I was in my 30's once upon  a time.

Starving and homeless,  and two lifetimes,  have I lived since then.    @EternalFlower .   You will , and

almost have to make mistakes from which your dreams that will endure,  can arise.  

You cant take back that mistake and you'll pocket what you've learnt.   These people that you see in there suits that look wise and happy.   They are just like you and me.    Walking breathing mistake makers, deal breakers, muck rakers. . .  and they have there wins and do what good they can to.

Its just life. . .  But you are so young.  Give me a black eye if you must,   but friend . .  you really do have so much time to make mistakes,  learn,  fail,  rise again. You are in the early part of your wisdom accruing years and so much wiser than I was at 30 something. 

.  New medicines and science  and change will bring about possibilities for you that I will never live to see.       I know from where you sit, it feels like I'm spinning it.        I'm over 60 and 12

months ago I had never used a computor.   Last week I was the town hunch back with an armpit fused to my side from a childhood fire.  Now I start a whole fresh new chapter  ,   again. 

Mid 30.   The right people find you with your frustrated determination,      you can rule it all.

Do what you do,  get frustrated.,  question everything,  make noise .   be heard   and live your  life.

tonys

[tonys]

@Appleblossom  So..   I only just saw those 2 pictures you posted.   Beautiful.   Absolutely  beautiful.

and carefully chosen.   thankyou.          tonys

[Appleblossom]

Hey @tonys 

Yes had plenty of music in my day and plenty of cleaning so can sit back.  My son cooked up a very good spag bol with black spanish olives, so I did not have to cook.

@EternalFlower 

Re cooking, Sounds like you make lovely tasty nutritious meals. I never cooked a proper meal every night when I lived alone.  It was fine to have cob of corn or munch celery and carrot rather than go to the hassle of doing a meal for one.  It is pretty natural to want toast some nights.  I like cooking at the moment as my son appreciates it, and I do not have as much on, so can relax, and think ahead planning the next meal or 2.

A doctor should do harm, and not teach you ways to harm ...  ... Yes it is very hard to know who to trust.  We listen to recommendation, but your EXPERIENCE and inner wisdom is important.  

I have spent a lot of time in that loop de loop land of will I wont I.  I could relate to the humour in that tweet.  I do not suicidal ideation as bad per se ... more a respnse to despair and often being wounded and anger turning inward.  Working with all the theory about it all ... weary sigh ... still there comes a time when it is best said out loud, and not kept within.   Lately I am better at moving past SI thoughts and keeping projects, interests, plans going ...but what has helped has recognising that side of me and my family and not sweeping it under the carpet.

I can get very outraged ... and then even take the mickey out of myself ... have I got a plan ... I have got lots of plans ... how many plans do you want ... but like the lady you described ... I slowly found it in gardening first ... my own gentle creative planning side that thought, I should trim that plant, or transplant that succulent or divide that ground cover.  It started very gradually, but it was very freeing following my little decisions in my garden without worry about any other opinions. Then it moved into other areas of my life and now I do enjoy dreaiing up meals, putting this with that ...I used to resent cooking ... tho I am not a great cook now or a gardener ... but good enuff.  Forget perfect ... gentle with your own process  and coming through your trauma.  There are so many things we do in this world ... 

Iced or hotchocolate ...

[tonys]

Its embarrassing when I'm  2 posts behind all the time and miss the pulse of conversation.

Sorry @EternalFlower 

No ..  not cooking.   Still in hospital.   I too,  read about a woman that really knows how to cook and think to myself,  could this be the next cooking show..         That would be you off coarse.    Ok ,  I'll stop it..

So my question is,     Why do they tell me to preheat the oven before I load all my muffin trays into it.

Soon as I open the big door, all the heat just escapes doesn't it and its got to warm up again.. ?

I still have your salmon recipe stuck to my fridge and it impresses people so you are my go to on

kitchen chemistry..       tonys

[tonys]

Aw mate,   that one is a beauty..  I get major pleasure from visual things, pictures,  photos, painting and 

such,  and its always better when you don't expect it.  Bit like your sweet son cooking a meal for you.

I think you,  maybe a more,   ' loving'  gardener than me.  One day I will put a pic of my garden up and you will see.     Oh,    i don't have to worry about confidentiality.  If you can make out a house in the giant green ball,   you get one off my Muffins.  Vines palms and triffids locked in a struggle for dominance.  No wonder ghosts moved in.. Have a relaxing eve with your son and sleep well

@Appleblossom 

[Owlunar]

Hi @EternalFlower 

Opening ourselves to trauma therapy can be challenging - I can assure you though that it works eventually - well - for me - I had packed a lot of memories down deep inside - I hadn't forgotten any of them - just didn't look at them - but in time I had too - recently - when I was in hospital - the whole world seemed to crash on top of me when I burned my arm - and the degree of disability having two painful injuries caused temporary but really painful disability - which has become easier now the burn doesn't need any dressings now.

I had suppressed a lot of memories about my parents - and of course there is no goal setting involved as they have both passed - still - it's a load off my mind and heart to talk about all of this - it came up with the psychiatrist who sees people with chronic pain in that hospital - I felt comfortable sharing this with him and it's working. Sometimes I think the memories of an event are harder to live with than the event itself.

I don't know anything about EDMR - I am wondering about it - I still have some PTSD about events in the past - I can talk about them though - one is dental phobia - I am sure this psychologist will help with that. I'm not going to get worked up about the procedure to get dental implants until that day arrives. Oh yeah😷

Thinking off you

Owlunar

[tonys]

You going OK  @EternalFlower   Just checking in on you.  Hope the tucker is up to par 

Take care Eternal and hope you have a peaceful eve                                                           tonys

[EternalFlower]

Hey @tonys thanks for the check in

I am in physical pain with walking and a little over everything. Have been organising to go to a diff space to recover, with a different dr. The woman complimented me thst i was doing a good job and put me on the list to be seen at thst hospital. 

I feel badly but i am containing it.

I hope u are ok and out of hospital....

I also wander so much about why we have to preheat the oven and what it does! I baked ziti today and it was quite a failure so gotta hold onto the recipes that work! 

Not looking forward to tomorrow having to deal with more drama from the hospital but trying my best

[tonys]

See   now that right there is why I think you are something special mate.  All your struggles and battles 

with money and housing, hospitals ,  and god knows what else and you still think outside your self to 

ask me how I am.   Not everyone does that much when faced with such trials as you.

So..   Its not just me with the oven question.    I'll have to google ziti.  Its frustrating when kitchen chemistry fails.   I always try changing direction half way through if I see my creation heading for the cliff.   Example..   any cake that doesnt set properly gets re badged a pudding and cops the hot custard

or citrus sauce treatment.    OH  what is my citrus sauce you ask.  Well its my jam that failed to set. .

again..!

Perpetual motion cooking I call it.. 

Physical pain,  I'm afraid to ask.  I do hope that it has a hassle free conclusion tomorrow.   So if your baking,  I guess that means you are home.  I never know whether to say thats good or not.

I get a little worried when you don't have people around you. We can't do much more than our best hey @EternalFlower .

Well I'm still in hospital and will be for a while.   A vascular surgeon did a fair old job on me. Then skin grafts etc, so I'm,    embedded.   I'm dossed up so not much discomfort, and the care,  room,  and food, are really special.   But I am a little   out of it,    at times.   Just very grateful for the timing.

Winter.    The farm will be locked in timeless fog and silence. Couple keeping the lights on and not much else to do.

Well I hope you have a peaceful eve and a hopeful sunrise friend.  

tonys

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys really pleased ur in a good space

Thank u for sharing how ur going, i am really grateful the nurses are so good and a good surgeon!! Happy to here.

I visited the mh clinic today and we met for 1hour and i felt safe. My case manager is good. She has increased how often i can be seen from once a fortnight, and added a check in call the other week..maybe i can ask to see her in person if it helps.

She is so caring.