Feeling gutted, overwhelmed and defeated

[StillTrying]

Just had an upsetting conversation with my partner, feeling upset and alone and just want to talk.

My partner was initially frustrated because I apparently don't want to do anything anymore. There's probably a fair bit of truth to that, find it really hard being outside the house for a number of reasons. He was also frustrated because I tend to not want to do things because of the cost. The main reason I worry about the cost of things is because I'm always broke because of how much I have to spend on doctors appts and medication just for mental health. Then he got really upset and said I was just wasting all my money on this medical crap, it doesn't even work anyway and I haven't even tried to find bulk billing services and its all just a waste of time. We've only been together for coming up a year and I've been trying to deal with this stuff for well over 15 years. I've made so much effort to find bulk billing or cheaper services but I just can't get access to it.

One of the main reasons I'm trying so hard to access mental health support and make some progress is because I want to be a better partner. I try really hard to shield him from all the crap that storms on within but there's some stuff I just can't mask. There's real barriers to intimacy and I do struggle to just get on and enjoy outside the house activities, for example.

He's not a bad person and probably has to deal with more than I realise. Maybe it's coming from a place of frustration that's been brewing for a while. I just feel really rotten right now.

I hate myself for not being normal and not being able to just get up and enjoy life.

I hate myself for not being able to be intimate.

I hate myself for going through this for so long and not making any good progress.

I hate myself for being high maintenance, even when I make every effort to make it as easy as I can on those around me.

I hate myself for not being able to get a handle on this.

I'm terrified this will just be another relationship that's going to break down because I'm such a screw up.

I'm so embarrassed that I can't just live life like a normal personal.

I feel so alone and isolated that I can't seem to be understood by anyone around me.

I feel doubtful that there's a good medical reason why I'm like this and I'm just a complete loser and a failure.

I feel shocked that this has even come up at all. We've never really been able to communicate openly about all this stuff but I've always assumed he's been silently supportive. Now I just don't know where I stand.

I feel like I have nothing to offer and I'm just holding him back from the life he wants to live.

I try my hardest to do stuff he wants to do, but can probably only manage to say yes about 50% of the time. But it's just not enough. 

He still seems so mad at me right now and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. I've had so many relationships break down over my life. It just feels like the same shitty thing is going to happen all over again because for whatever reason I just suck and can't get on with it like everyone else.

[AlwaysMyself]

Hi @StillTrying ,

I'm listening. I'm here to talk.

That is a lot of pressure and burden you are carrying.

I don't think you are to blame. I don't think you are worthless or hopeless.

I know it can be hard to see when we feel depressed and anxious.

There is so much I could say in response to your thoughts, relationship and feelings. But I want to make sure I offer the type of support you want/need right now. Let me know whether youd like an outside perspective on the situation, or just someone to vent with and listen to you (i know that helps me sometimes), a distraction, or someone to help you refocus on your strengths and worth as a person?

[StillTrying]

Thanks @AlwaysMyself 

I'm not really sure what I need. I guess I just don't want to feel so alone in this. I don't think I have anyone in my life who understands me or what I'm trying to deal with. I don't seem to be able to integrate with the world around me, no matter how hard I try. I guess that belief is always simmering deep down but its really at the surface right now. I just don't know much of anything at the minute.

[AlwaysMyself]

That makes sense @StillTrying . I've often felt like I "wasn't made for this world". Or not made able to to cope with the reality of how life is (rather than the ideals that people often state).

[StillTrying]

Is there anything that can be done about it  or is it always just going to be this way.

[Sparky79]

Oh bless you @StillTrying, I have been on both sides of this myself. My ex wife suffered from post natal depression, and initially I had difficulty understanding what was going on. The effects of the depression and medication especially. So yes initially I felt rejected, disconnected from her, but after talking about it with her and other husbands that had been through the same thing I gained some insight. 

More recently I have been on your side of the fence, due to workplace induced PTSD, anxiety and depression. I also experience and feel the same as you do.

Please remember you're doing the best you can, I'm sorry your partner is having trouble understanding this.

Do not hate yourself, you are not a screw up, it is in these times we need to practise self compassion, self love. Our experiences, our positives our negatives make up who we are, and it has brought us to this point. Self compassion and love is so hard, when all we've known is self criticism, external criticism and rejection.

Sadly people will not understand what you are going through unless they have been there themselves, no matter how well we can describe and communicate and how well they can comprehend, it is still not feeling it, not living it.

I'm sad that all this pressure is being placed upon you, rather than the love and support your soul requires. It is extremely admirable that you want to better yourself, and ideally he would want to be there to love and support you, so you can both heal and grow stronger together.

I hope he can reach a point where he is not frustrated, where he is sympathetic to all you are going through.

All I can suggest is communication, communicate what you're feeling, what you hope to achieve, what you need, what you want, reassure him and likewise allow him to communicate the same things, allow him the chance to reassure you.

If he is a good man, a good fit for you, he will listen and share all this with you, if you share and listen to him. If he is right he will love you as you are, he will admire how far you've come and all the work you are still doing.

After all you're not just doing all this work for yourself, you're doing it for him, for the relationship.

I wish you the best of luck with this, and please don't be afraid to reach out to others.

[AlwaysMyself]

There are definitely things that can help with managing how your feel and the negative thoughts @StillTrying . And it will probably be up and down over time - good times and then some times when things are harder. For some people it passes and never returns, but given (if i remember correctly) you've had this a long time so it may be something that knocks at the mental door from time to time. But it doesnt have to control your life or your identity! 🥰❤️‍🩹

Echo @Sparky79 's comment:

"All I can suggest is communication, communicate what you're feeling, what you hope to achieve, what you need, what you want, reassure him and likewise allow him to communicate the same things, allow him the chance to reassure you.

If he is a good man, a good fit for you, he will listen and share all this with you, if you share and listen to him. If he is right he will love you as you are, he will admire how far you've come and all the work you are still doing."

Finding someone who loves you *despite* the hard times. And will support you *through* those times. And encourage you to see how far you *have* come and walk with you as you navigate towards where you *want* to be. 💜 

And if someone isnt "right" for you, that doesnt mean you or them are a failure. It just means youre not the right fit for a longterm relationship with what each other need. And that's OK too.

[AlwaysMyself]

@StillTrying 

Has anything worked in the past?

Whats the "best" (or least difficult) time in your life been as an adult? What did that look like for you? What were you doing (or not doing)?

What are you interests or passions?

I know these can sometimes be questions asked and feel hopeless to think about. But the reason I'm asking is because I'm wondering if there might be a way of life for you that *can* be sustainable and fulfilling for you, even if it may not be seen as "traditional" by some people.

I think back to when I finished high school. I never even considered (it was never offered to me) that I could opt to neither study nor work for awhile. The idea of taking time off to focus on addressing my health and finding something positive about life was never voiced to me (even though my family situation would have enabled it as an option), and to me would have been perceived as "not being an adult". 

Fast-forward approx 15 years, and where am I now? Well, i'm still sick (but note I have learned to manage a little better), and I still don't have enjoyment/pleasure in life activities, but I work part-time and have become "used to" the expectation of supporting myself financially. But darn that is a lot of pressure and I sure do not always cope well with it. Earlier this year I wasn't coping well at all, and a family member suggested to me that perhaps I take extended time off work and be supported financially by my (willing to) parent and spouse. For how long? However long I wanted/needed to. To do what? To have the mental, emotional and physical energy to improve my physical health, and improve my mental health (which can be impacted by my poor physical health too), and to take time to find things that I enjoy doing and join in groups of things I enjoy to meet people I might enjoy friendships with (more social supports).

For now I've chosen not to, as I was able to make a few other changes in order to cope better with some environmental impacts. But now I know I have that option up my sleeve, and such a big pressure is off my shoulders to *have* to do it traditionally. I could instead choose to do crafts that I enjoy and sell them online! Or I could re-train as a peer support worker! I could do something that I enjoy doing, and find a workplace that *works for me*.

Now of course not many people are in a situation where they *can* choose to be supported by family, and government payments are awfully hard to live off. But finding a way of life or job that allows you to work sustainably is better than burning out and not being able to work at all.

I know accessing supports can be really costly - and for years i've avoided them for this reason also. There are some, often time-limited, options in most areas which are accessible for free. Or online psychologists who will bulkbill a MH Care Plan.

There are of course also peer support options like SANE - programs and this forum, which can help cheer you on and offer alternative perspectives to negative thought patterns. 🥰

[Oaktree]

@StillTrying 

Hi,

It's so easy to fall into a whole lot of negative thinking and just spiral downwards from there. Thoughts turn into emotions, emotions turn into behaviours which feed back into our thoughts and round and round from there. I used to indulge in a lot of negative thinking and I hated myself. I really struggled with my mental health from Feb 2008-Dec 2020. I was diagnosed in 1990 but didn't go to hospital again until 2008. I am now really well and haven't been to hospital since Nov 2021. I have been feeling well for the last 4 years. There is hope for a better future. If things don't work out between you and your partner then it's not supposed to be. But I wish you good luck. I do hope it works out between you.

[StillTrying]

@AlwaysMyself 

I can't think of a time anything has really worked. Of course there are ups and downs over time but I cant think of a time I've felt settled or stable or able to recover in any way. Sort of just lurch from one period of struggle to the next.

I've tried quite a few things over the years looking for interests or passions but nothing ever feels enjoyable or rewarding.  Gym, running, swimming, Jiu Jitsu, archery, writing, crafts, puzzles, reading, studying. Probably plenty other things that I can't get to mind right now. That's another thing that's so disheartening. I keep trying things and making such an effort but can't even find something to enjoy.

When I finished high school I was kicked out of home after years of being told they couldn't wait to be rid of me. Battled through trying to work and keep a roof over my head, was homeless for a while. Have struggled financially since, never had any money growing up either so I've only ever known being broke and not being able to afford things. Unfortunately I've never really been afforded the opportunity to take a breather.

I've had 17 different jobs over the years, plenty of different roles and formats. Unskilled and studied so I can try and 'move up' but always end up in low paying roles. Haven't yet found something that works for me. Work has always been extremely taxing. Always felt a huge amount of pressure to prove my worth each and every minute I'm there out of fear I'll lose the job. Lost the job on plenty of occasions anyway but still put in 110% to try and fend off the next redundancy or 'end of contract'.

Pretty much every time I see my GP I raise the issue of affordability but they reckon they're really just not available. 

I have started a program with SANE so I'm hoping I can get some benefit from that. I'll just have to see how it goes.

Sorry, I feel like I'm very difficult to help. It seems as though I'm dismissive of people's suggestions but its not what I'm trying to do. I have just tried a lot, and tried it hard. Have to be honest about when things haven't worked out for me or what's not available to me.