Fragile

[Dimity]

Thanks @Appleblossom yes I'm muddling through. Taking things slowly. Glimmers of progress.

A slinky is a good physics toy. I might see if I can find one before Xmas.

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity 

I remember them for my kids 

support button not working 

hooe you have a good night sleep 

[AuntGlow]

Good evening @Appleblossom, 

How are you feeling today?

I was able to see your full post, and whilst I am unsure exactly what happened, I can hear it was deeply triggering for you and your son. I am so sorry that things have become more complex for you... what support do you feel you need most right now? 

I know you have mentioned needing to protect your soul right now with how vulnerable things are, and I think that is completely fair. I encourage you to listen to what you really need each day, it's okay to oscillate between being open and protecting your heart right now. 

Perhaps prayer and music will help?

Bach sounds lovely. 🥰

[Appleblossom]

@AuntGlow thanks for trying and checking in.

This morning went well with church. I was feeling connected with a few people. Nobody knows the details but at least people know I have a lot going on and am vulnerable, and they try and be decent to me.

 This afternoon in rehearsal, I was triggered and agitated during the breaks, by the badly behaved psychiatrist, and more vocal . There were quite a few people being friendly and supportive.

I am feeling very queasy, but not sure if that is such a bad sign or I am just not good at being comfortable with expressing myself, being seen and just being alive.

Honestly, I have felt so invisible and dismissed and blocked in decades of doing classical music, that people are actually remembering my name and my existence is not just to be trampled on. I guess that is huge progress. But I am anxious.

[AuntGlow]

Hello, lovely @Appleblossom, 

I am glad you have some people who you can connect with in your vulnerability, that's so important right now. 

Oh gosh, that sounds like a lot... how did people support you through this?

Expressing ourselves and being seen really can be anxiety-inducing. How is it sitting with you now that you have had a bit of time to process?

Thank you for sharing this with me. What might this anxiety need to feel more safe? 💛

[Appleblossom]

@AuntGlow 

Actually the rehearsal was in 2 parts. The first half was a small ensemble, had only 7 people. That is where the problem was and started to come out. After the break about 15 more people came, in an extended orchestra, and in various ways were friendly and decent to me, without deep insight about me or my history or struggles. Just being friendly and inclusive, asking how I was. Just to be seen, and not frightened of the tea breaks, cos people have been so snobby in the music scene for 40 years Aunt Glow. Not sure why it has taken so long to feel seen and not be a nobody, with no sign of human consideration, friends or family and completely invisible. 

I did have a good morning dancing to 70s music, where I was cheery and active. A friend took me as gratitude for the singing group. I met this friend 15 months ago and she said she feels there is something pure about my son. 

Still struggling with significant SI, atm, thinking about all the social interactions and complications in the various groups I am a part of…. And is it worth it… and do I really want to be a part of the groups… and make the compromises that are apparently necessary. Why am I so sensitive and care They are all definitely very human and flawed, but I am expected to pretend they are perfect. All too human. I don’t want to collude with things that are not quite right. Trying to find a fair way through it all. It is not simple anxiety on my part. 

I guess my mood now shifts that quickly, but my son is playing one piano beautifully and I am cleaning grime in odd spots off the other piano. I have to keep going for him. He is a decent soul, but the world has not respected him. He is adapting his hopes and expectations. Resignation could be a way to describe him. Sorry I am bring in too many questions and people, but it has always been like that. Its not just about me.

 I guess the answer, is that my feelings are highly labile, and my social circumstances precarious but I am not as invisible or alone as I was when I first joined the forum. So I guess that is improvement. Thanks for asking.

and thanks friend for support 

@Faith-and-Hope 

hope your paths are manageable.

🙏💙🍎

[Appleblossom]

@AuntGlow @Eg., one lady told me she had an affair, a year ago, being all girly telling secrets, but her husband is very assiduously caring, as she is also sick. Then she complains about him, and I feel nauseous and inner twisted as she keeps pretending she is perfect. I am going to have to discuss it with her. I actually care about integrity and genuine responsibility and relationships. I never wanted to be judgy, but I feel tormented about the injustices of “over privileged “ people and all the things they get away with. I probably won’t get time to talk about it til January. She boasted about never doing anything wrong on Sunday, and I feel aghast. So I feel gaslit and manipulated, not hardened enough to do social stuff.

[AuntGlow]

Good evening @Appleblossom,  

The story you shared about your friend sounds extremely tricky to navigate... I am curious to know how it's sitting with you this week? 

I can imagine this shift would have been really surprising given your experiences in the music world thus far. I wonder if new people meant you could show up as you? 

Dancing to 70's music sounds IDEAL. I was listening to ABBA earlier, such a good time. 

Your friend sounds really lovely. 🥰

I understand where you are coming from, especially with everything you have shared. Groups can be so incredibly challenging... they can certainly bring up our stuff. I know I often feel really vulnerable in groups, so I want to validate that connection in this realm can be genuniely so tough. Big hugs. 

How has SI been sitting with you over the weekend? 

It must be so rewarding to see your son play so beautifully. 🤩

How is he adapting his hopes and expectations?

No apology needed! All of your thoughts are welcome. 

I am so glad you're feeling more seen and connected here, that's so lovely to hear. 

[Appleblossom]

All the stuff with the tricky people is the same @AuntGlow  I need to label them as problematic people and put guards and boundaries up.

I guess I need to stop letting them into my mind, but the rumination is powerful and hard to shift. I am frustrated with my foolishness in trusting and caring and hoping. So I will try and turn it into an exercise in firming up my boundaries. Maybe the rumination is also a message to me, not to ignore the feelings or withdraw, or submit into fawn or freeze, or flight. It is tricky to find a way to fight fairly, but I guess that is my challenge. Also trying to develop my feelings vocabulary when socialising.

I am running out of time. I am getting old. 

I was appreciated by a few people for playing the organ today, so not totally invisible.

the online connection on the forum has kept me alive. Thanks 

[Shaz51]

Hugs ❤️ @Appleblossom