Fragile

[AuntGlow]

Hello Apple! 🍏 @Appleblossom 

Did you make it to the sleep webinar tonight?

How are things sitting re: the woman you were telling me about?

I understand why rumination would be coming in to protect you, and using that as a sign that something feels unsafe is a good way to become curious about what you need. For example, what do you imagine will alleviate the anxiety you are feeling? Is it boundaries, like you mentioned? Clear communication? Perhaps some cognitive work, to unravel the dissonance? 

It sounds like people really appreciate your musical abilities. How has playing felt this week? Give me the rundown! 🤩🎶

I am so glad the forums has helped you this much, it's truly amazing how wonderful this space is. 🥹

[AlwaysMyself]

@Appleblossom @Dimity @Cuddlebear @AuntGlow 

*faux support button to all your posts* (because its not working lol)

I feel like I'm from another planet to many people too 😅. But not as much as I did when I was in school - now, some people are more mature, and more importantly now I can choose to be friends with people from ANY age group and any gender -- not just expected to have friends my own gender and school year. (Being honest though, I've had adult friends since I was a teen if I met them through the church or parents. More interesting people!)

Wishing you all good support and encouragement with working on positive and protective boundaries. 😊 Agree it can definitely be hard and challenging to not get emotionally caught up - I think for me its a constant remember to self-check and detangle (I was taught a visualisation aid for this, which helps me. Many visualisations dont help me but this one did). Its not a "learn once and its always there" thing for me lol. 

[Appleblossom]

gentle cheerios @Dimity @Cuddlebear @Shaz51 

💙🦋💙🦋💙🦋

@AlwaysMyself I am working on both visuals and sounds to help reframe my mindset when stuck in rumination or despondency. Despondency is not my norm, and I am working on many ways to hold space for my sensitivity and soulful aspects. I do find the visual aspects of life and imagination really helpful. I currently do colour meditations on my chakras, and other practices. Early in the forum I posted a lot of art. I find it soothing and reflective and yes, can even be refreshing.

Mother and childVan Gogh 1886Love Indigenous and all artsNibbles in old art ....

@AuntGlow I didn’t make the sleep webinar. Honestly my son and I attended a sleep clinic at RCH when he was still a minor. We been juggling it for a while. His father used to ridicule sleep and childhood routines. I was never rigid about things, always seeking middle ground and the children’s wellbeing and best outcomes. God it was hard doing all the work for the 3 children and being so poorly treated.

Music is unfolding but the social side is so complex. Most people have problems and air them, but it takes a while for anyone to pay me enough consideration to begin to comprehend some of my challenges and vulnerabilities. I easily get hooked into caretaking others and stuffing my feelings and needs down. So I am consciously shifting from doing that, while still pulling my weight in team and leadership and musical environments. 

Recorder groups are steadily unfolding and I am trying to find ways to engage openly with authenticity but without over sharing and explaining myself. Its not easy. The problem with over privileged people is that they take a great deal for granted in taking up space and presuming they are always right. I don’t want to have to fawn to stay in the groups, which is very delicate path to tread. 

The psychiatrist with grandiosity and habituation to stepping on people’s boundaries will have to wait till We have to play together again in the ensemble in mid January. I will be refining my ruminations and mostly trying to get her out of my head. However, she knows which behaviours have upset me and I need to harness firm determination not to cave in or lose my cool or seriously act out in distress.

Teamwork at church is proceeding reasonably, again, but I am always mindful with music it is a very vulnerable, emotionally open activity with various levels of public exposure.

My singing group is today and I will be chugging away but extra vulnerable as I have to attend a court hearing for my son in the week of a performance. Very anxious about both events now. Doing all mindfulness and exercise that I can do.  So I have responsibilities to the singing group and the family member who is vulnerable. 

My mental health zoom facilitation responsibility is ongoing. I did work directly in suicide prevention but now more advocacy with therapeutic outcomes from simply people being able to express themselves whilst engaging with reading materials on various topics.

[Cuddlebear]

@Appleblossom   I love the art you posted. 

It really sounds like you are doing so many wonderful creative things. 

You are so very aware of situations and I’m really glad you are finding ways to work through things so you can enjoy the different groups and activities you are involved in. 

We are here for you while you go through the hearing and juggle the singing group performance I. The same week. 

You are worthy of all the good things and the people around you are very lucky to have you there. 

[Dimity]

There are so many strings to your bow @Appleblossom .

I trust you and your son have the support and legal representation you need...  to hold to your truths calmly and implacably. 

My visual imagination has been fading, perhaps with my eyesight, but I savour images all the more. 

Re First Nations art I've been following The Torch, where incarcerated and released first Victorians reclaim cultural heritage through painting.

[Appleblossom]

My son refuses support as it is the same system that has caused him harm. @Dimity I cannot insist. I have been trying various ways to get support for him, diplomatically. It is a case when free will is not actually free will. I don’t know all the consequences. I have never been to this court. He does not even want to get a letter from his mental health team, which would be appropriate.

My first experience of court was with his father and the mother of his half sibling went to the Supreme court. Going to court is not my way, but I have not been able to avoid it due to immediate relationships entanglements. To me, my son’s mental health feels a bit of “sins of the father”, which has partly caused my son’s mental health issues. The father wasn’t honest about that whole scenario with the son and that persons impact on my son’s life. As in she was big loud and domineering from his birth. I foolishly cared for her full time for 16 years and couldn’t protect my biological children from her excesses and she gets off Scott free. Maybe I was too weak and passive as my biological daughter said. For my son, a lot of his trauma is vague and vicarious but as he is the one from the family dynamics with mental health issues, it had lasting impact. I am now ashamed of how his sisters (full blood and half) treated him. 

[AlwaysMyself]

@Appleblossom they are lovely artworks you chose. Thank you for sharing. 😊

I didn't realise how many different musical groups you were in! I knew you were in the church and in the one with a/the difficult person. It is lovely you are able to contribute and express yourself in so many different groups and ways. 🙂

I hope things for you son go as well as possible. That would be quite stressful, and even more so having to balance it as well as a performance in the same week. Mindfulness exercises sound a good idea for calming and grounding when feeling anxious or overwhelmed by it all. I hope you are able to enjoy the performance when it comes time. 😊

[Dimity]

Hugs 🫂 🤗 @Appleblossom . I hear you're doing what you can. It's very sad if he feels defeated from the outset. Sounds like a succession of blows... perhaps sisters (half and full), ex-partner and you've hinted at uniform. And the family breakdown overall.

Yes the question of free will and supposed lifestyle choices can be quite problematic. I've encountered it myself with a loved one.

Are the court appearance and important performance imminent or will you have to endure a long wait?

I'm waiting. My situation keeps reinventing itself, which isn't really anyone's fault, it's part of the picture with complex health/mental health/neurology. 

[Appleblossom]

They are early mid December @Dimity I need to get through til then. I am planning to sing The People’s Messiah the day before, as both a big distraction and a prayer. It will help me to quietly prepare for it. I have done it half a dozen times . It won’t be a stress but a way of keeping focus and strength on good things and I hope gives me determination and resolution. I can do nothing to prepare for court. Just support my loved one. It’s just coincidence that’s how the dates line up. Then after the court we have a small singing concert that week with my son accompanying and me conducting and my group singing. I can’t cancel. It is what it is. It’s just that feelings and concentration matter in live performance.

I was taken to the children’s court when I was 6. The “nature of the offence” : neglect. Before being put in the orphanages. Bureaucracy. Hmmm.  I also worked in administration for a court before I met my husband. 

@AlwaysMyself 

actually something nice happened today. After church choir, I was at the organ and the physics professor who I am helping read music asked me “Why I was so deflated?” He was concerned and noticed I wasn’t my outgoing cheerful jokey self, and cared enough to ask. I had to put on the jokey act, to stand firm in the less than ideal church culture. There had been a few mockers, tuff Aussies. I made the mistake of mentioning I was on NDIS. I mainly need NDIS to cope with bullying. So I can talk it out and not do anything too final. Anyway the church bullies are behaving a little bit better in the last 2 years. Cos I made them laugh,

. Hmmm. 

The nice new retired minister was praising my music capability and I asked them both (him and physics guy) to pray for me. Most of my life people have mocked me or worse, or not noticed.  So I have had more support in the last 10 years since I joined the forum, and got NDIS, than ever before. Sad but true. It should not have taken this long. People can be cruel. However I have to celebrate every glimmer.

@Shaz51 @Cuddlebear @AuntGlow 

[AlwaysMyself]

I'm glad you've finally been getting the support, care, acceptance and recognition that you need and deserve @Appleblossom 😘. I am sorry that it has come so late in your life for you though *hugs*.

It's ironic how much abuse, coercion and bullying happens in church / religious institutions. 😢 I've seen my fare share of it (thankfully not directed to me though) in the past, as is part of the reason I left one place after I saw what was a repeated cycle.