Fragile

[Appleblossom]

Sorry @Dimity you had a bad experience this morning.

I dont like the expectations and snobbery in classical music.

My mother was also mean to me about music. I have a complex relationship with it, as //i can be triggered.

Tbh my neck condition is partly me pushing myself practising in my early 20s to catch up, when I was also working too much with toddlers and renovating. My mother only gave me one year of piano lessons. I did 1st grade then bumbled along myself, with a little input.

After my sister's death I did piano... 5th to 8th grade, I paid for lessons as an adult. Mother was pretty negative to me, witholding approval and  gas lighting and I realised late in life.. my 40s that she was competitive in a way that I still am stumped by her behaviours. Just comprehending the level of her hostiliy and betrayal. I was such a naive idiot with her.

Its hard as music touches us so deeply.

[tyme]

Hello @Appleblossom @Dimity and others here.

Lovely to see you. I'm reading back on all the posts. I was with a kid today, and he was determined to show me how to draw a treble clef lol. I didn't want to disappoint him and say that I've known how to draw a treble clef for the last 40 years of my life lol.

Music is power.

[Dimity]

Interesting you're a late bloomer with music @Appleblossom . I'm sure it was always there.

The kid sounds so proud of that treble clef @tyme . It was kind of you to go along.

@Appleblossom I'm not sure if i rejected my mother or she was never emotionally available. She could be very cruel. I think i experienced neglect, abuse and later coercive control or maybe the fault was mine and I was subnormal. The vitriol from another family member lately stirs old feelings of helplessness. 

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity There are a lot of stories about classical music and coercive control in families.  Ego, competitiveness, living through children, lots of variations

Bergman's Autumn Sonata is a sad example.

As a teacher, I felt firmly against it, and tried to direct parents to ease up and be creative, rather than demanding.

I have a good memory of playing piano in a psyche ward with my sister, who was 4 years younger. I actually think she had more EQ than me, and made many insightful comments

My mother's unavailability was multifaceted, physically and emotionally absent, with a good excuse... WWII trauma, which I was more and more aware of and very forgiving of from 10 years old... but there are too many things mother did wrong regarding us all, (I wont list them, but it continued with her manipulating my daughter and ridiculing my life and motherhood with consequences in current time) and she remained stubborn, self righteous and never even tried to understand us, til her death.  It was always all about her, she permitted and colluded with sexual abuse. She had poor English and education but never made commitment to work through things. We had to pretend we never were in care. I foolishly kept trying to keep family together. She kept thinking she was better than other people, her siblings, husband and kids. She mocked and ridiculed me later in ways I didn't expect, so I settle on the fact that she was damaged by the war, no matter what label or lens could be applied.

My sister who died when she was 21 had better foster parents, and more stable placement, so she had better readings of emotional stuff. I was more on my own and on the edge. I didn't have many good models.  My sis knew that us doing music together would please mum, and we both did, and there was no sense of competition between us. But she also had profound attachment to her foster family and could not reconcile the vast difference in socioeconomic realities.  In many ways though I was older, I didnt know any better, as my foster placements were western suburbs low class, whereas my sister went to north shore Sydney upper class fosters.  They also kept contact, but in the end it tore her apart. She was with them from about 3-8 years old, before returning to us.  

@tyme what a gorgeous story. Yes, music has power and also the enthusiasm of little kids.  Beautiful.

[Dimity]

3-8 are formative years @Appleblossom . At least I feel they were for me.. I'm sorry you lost her at only 21. I'm guessing she'd struggled a while. 

I've heard of something called the mother wound but don't know much about it. The child's trauma arising from the mother's so intergenerational. 

It's important that you have such a strong relationship with your son. It sounds as though things with you daughter and stepdaughter were beyond your control.

I've been badly rattled by a family member's behaviour this week. But realise they're unwell, and at risk, without meeting the bar for intervention. But I need help myself as my discombobulation is leading to mistakes. I should be used to hostility and the same old insults that resurface from different family members by now but they still distress me.  Yesterday I was overwhelmed by memories of abandonment. But I now have some good support from some extended family. I'll need to fix my mh arrangements so I'm not such a burden on them. 

I guess you've had a day of church musicking. I trust you enjoyed it.

. 

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity Of course you would be upset by hostility and being called names.

I became discombobulated myself. Almost literally.  Leaning towards ABI.

My sister mostly struggled from 16-21. 

She had lots of potential. She was seen as psychotic a lot and often secluded. I have a broader sense of what it means when people are experiencing distress. I dont even think the word psychotic is all that useful anymore. I have tried understand it from many angles.

Thanks for even saying something. Often people cant even respond basically, they just freeze me off.

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity  about the mother wound. Its a good call.  Yes it fits me.

actually very me

describes me taking on my husbands baby

 

@AuntGlow @AlwaysMyself @AlwaysMyself @tyme 

The musiking on Sunday was partly good, but a moment in it I actually expressed my trauma.  It may have been for the good and be able to be integrated and add to group authenticity and capacity to play well together. We will see.

[Dimity]

@Appleblossom I feel wounded but don't fit those patterns of the mother wound. 

A pastor/psychologist couple I follow speak of wounded healers, people especially qualified to lead and guide because of what they've suffered themselves.  Sort of like another level of peer support workers or community guides I guess. Community elders like yourself?

I'm making more effort to stir myself from tongue-tied frozen states. It's not fair to others that it comes across as freezing them out. I tend to lose track and forget to reply sometimes too if I give myself time to consider a response.

My worries are a bit like a djinn manifesting as a travelling dust cloud at present - a nebulous metamorphosing malevolent presence I can't shake off. 

[AlwaysMyself]

@Dimity @Appleblossom 

Apologies for being 2 weeks behind - but I have finally read through since my last post here 🙂 . 

I have "enjoyed" (for lack of a better word) reading your reflections on music, the reasons you do or don't engage in music, and also on the emotional-wounds and role of lived-experience/peer knowledge as a support network. I have so much I want to say, but also don't want to make a massive post that is overwhelming for you both.

@tyme I love that you are self-aware and others-aware to realise that to build rapport and encourage/support the child with their joy & excitement in their musical-learning that you needed to put aside the thoughts of "yes, I already know this" and instead engage with the feeling of what it means to them and fostering/acknowledging their achievements. 🙂 This is only a small part of course of what makes you a wonderful person, but I want to explicitly reflect it back to you as "I see you, and I think it's great."

@Dimity my heart breaks for you for how you were previously treated with regards to your desire & attempts to learn & practice/play instruments. They were (in my personal opinion) 'out of line' and inappropriate in their response to you, and you deserved better. I know we can't change the past, but I hope that hearing that I don't think what happened to you was OK/right can help you know/feel that it wasn't you that had "musical ineptitude and incompetence. And ignorance." Or, I don't perceive it that way. I see it is someone never given the chance to learn - and we can't (realistically, fairly) be expected to master a skill without having the space to learn it. 

@Appleblossom Motherhood wound in adulthood makes sense to me also. Although for me personally, only in-part. It makes sense of why I have my core values (which are positive things) and why I am able to set very healthy boundaries for myself with most people in my life, but struggle to do so with my mother at times -- something I have been exploring over the past month myself. 

I am fortunate that because of my suicidality I did receive psychological support since pre-teen years, which have helped/addressed the effects of self-worth, emotional-awareness and boundary-setting. And I think my autistic-traits have been very protective in not needing to "people please" other than to my mother on whom I am at times financially/socially dependent.

@Dimity "It's not fair to others that it comes across as freezing them out. "

My personal technique when I have "brain freeze" or am unable to repsond at the time is to be upfront in a polite way about it. e.g. "I'm having trouble with my thinking right now - but I want to answer when I can. If I forget to answer later, please feel welcome to remind me if I haven't done so in xx-days."

So far, no one has ever gotten angry or upset with me for explaining this to them.

I'm not sure if that will work for you, but just sharing incase it might be something helpful to consider.

There are times when I have been unable to even say that, I just "nod along" to show I am listening (despite needing to emotionally disconnect to avoid a meltdown). But then I will sit down with my thoughts and feelings once I am in a safe place to do so and figure out (often with someone else!) how to respond to them via writing. This is common for me in the workplace, for example, when I haven't felt able/safe to say "I'm feeling overwhelming emotion and need to respond later" -- but now days (i.e. past 6 months) I think I could do that - I've grown a bit in my own self-awareness if these situations.

[tyme]

Hey @Appleblossom ,

I wanted to swing past to see how things are going for you.

Sorta miss chatting with you, but doesn't mean I've forgotten you! Looking forward to seeing my dear apple 🙂