Into the abyss

[imperfect]

Hi.  I am a wife and a mother to a foster child.  We tried adoption for years after getting sick and beocming infertile.  My husband has been made redundant. My mum is 80 and is in pain all the time with a bad back and needs support.  she lives half an hour away and I work full time so it's hard to give her what she needs.  My dad is also about to turn 80 and I have contributed very little to organising for a clebration leaving it up to his family. My parents are divorced. My best friend's husband is sick and in hospital with a life threatening infection. Every other person I know is sick of hearing from me about my woes. My son is fostered and has many needs. I just want respite and exit plans are looking attractive. My husband doesn’t get depression. He thinks I should just get a grip, take my meds and stop complaining. I take my meds every day. But I don’t feel any better. And I feel so lonely. I am not meeting anyone’s needs properly. My son told me yesterday that his head loves me but his body hates me. I know that feeling. I was once trapped in a loveless relationship. He said his real Mum doesn’t want him to love other families. I understand it’s hard because he is fostered and we are not perfect. I know it's normal for kids who are fostered to say stuff like that.  But I think her really means it.  It doesnt seem to matter how much love I invest in him, I will never be enough. I wish I could be a better person and just manage.  But I am not. I just want to talk to someone who won't judge me.

[NatalieS]

Hi @imperfect, you certainly have alot going on in your life.  You have so many stressors, I am not surprised you say you are finding it difficult to cope with things. You have so much happening, but are you taking care of yourself?    It sounds like you are running on empty . And you work full-time!  Please keep talking to us on the forums.  My forum family is always there for me - and people are about all hours of the day and/or night - even if I want to vent or share or sit, someone is there.  Can't say I can offer any more at the moment because I'm struggling a bit myself, but will attempt to write more later.  Thinking of you.

[Appleblossom]

@imperfectThank you for being humble enough to know you are not perfect.Nobody is, but so many people pretend.  Yes I know that scenario about fostering. I had 2 foster mums. One cared and one did not.  In the end I could tell the difference and it made a difference. As with natural parents all you have to be is good enough.  It sounds as if your boy has a lot of pent up emotion about abandonment and pain and what he is allowed to do and feel and what he needs to do to get by with school.  It is good that in his head he actually realises you are there for him.

[imperfect]

Thank you. I love him so much it hurts. He is only 8. His loyalties are torn because he was removed at 4 and can remember his birth Mum. He is beautiful. I love that he wakes every morning with a smile. He is just so incredibly demanding and has been diagnosed with a mild intellectual disability due to neglect or addiction in utero - not sure, but when he is in melt down mode he hits and slams and smashes. It’s difficult. I hope I make a difference in his life. But I feel as though I am not good enough. Thanks for responding.