Things I've left around the internet

[MDT]

Hi there <><>

I'm sorry to hear this. That is truly tough. I haven't got many words to say on top of what others have said here.

As someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts I always find stories of people who are bereaved by it to be a bit heavy - but perhaps in a good way. It's perhaps a reminder that people are deeply grieved by it. So I ask myself the following question "who would be destroyed by my ending my own life" and even if there was only 1 person in life, even if i was alone in the world and had sporadic interactions with people then they are the people who would be affected.

Perhaps that allowed me to put out more good, more sporadic humour, more happiness, more goodness. Small things matter hey?

I haven't got much else to say other than to thank you. I'm actually close to tears of relief because you sharing this story is healing for me. It may sound odd, but it's the truth. I'm glad you feel open to share it here and I do hope you are able to process what comes next.

[Nelson1]

Hi there, I know what you mean. If you come across someone that is worse off than you then you don't feel so bad. I can only imagine that those who commit suicide were feeling really bad.  not nice at all. I have had those thoughts but have managed to leave it as a thought. I would hurt too many people.  

[Powderfinger]

@MDT @Nelson1 

Speaking from someone who knows this intimately. When people leave the planet, they are not able to think of who will be affected and it is not enough to stop it. I can't explain it  It's not about not being able to see hope or that it is much too dark. You just don't want to carry on anymore. Thinking about it brings a relief. An end to it all. Nothing matters anymore to you. When you have lost that sense if anything at all mattering, it just has nowhere else to go really. It's hard for people to understand. And if they don't understand they don't know how to help. When all usual options are just if no interest to you anymore, it's hard to climb out. 

[MDT]

Indeed @Powderfinger

Hey thanks for your honesty

[Powderfinger]

@MDT 

No worries.

[MDT]

People are strange creatures I am noticing. Last weekend I realised I was excluded from a new group I thought I was a member of. That didn't feel good. I also think I've been excluded on purpose by closer friends. But Idk. I don't want to ask and if I am honest I don't really want to know. I'd rather sort myself out than suppress whatever discontentment I have inside me by constantly hanging out with other people and distracting myself.

My first priority however is to move away from my current job. Get out of it. I really do not like it. I really don't like being moved about heaps, I find that the work is itself quite dull and tedious. There's no skills in it and I find it boring. The people are hit and miss. Fortunately where I am atm the people are nice, they are not immature and in their early 20s. Maybe the things that matter most are the things like this hey?

[MDT]

The last time I made a post in these forums was in 2017. Back then I was probably in the darkest moment of my life since I can remember. I thought that I was beyond help and there was no hope for me going forward.

Here I am in 2021 and I have a job (even though I want to leave to something else), been on a couple of dates, travelled, finished my degree and also made some new friends. I guess these days my woes are different. I've spent a lot of time looking into my past and trying to see if I can get an explanation or reveal some home truths about myself and my experiences.

I have spent time in a psych ward, I've been on differing meds, I've spoken to psychologists and psychiatrists. I've spent some time with mental health charities working with them.

These days I want some new challenges and new things in life - it's hard. I have desires to get a new job and to also go back and study again.

Today has been a quiet australia day - I would've liked to have done something social but that's been hard because i have lost some friends, struggled to make new ones, but on balance I have been trying to re establish contact with other friends from the past.

I dunno what I want in life and I have more questions than answers. But I guess I am here still

I will see my psychologist soon for the first session of the year now that I have a new Mental health care plan.

I am trying to do my best and I get the feeling that it isn't enough maybe.

Yesterday I was very depressed. It's a hard time. That's all. 😕