Lived Experience Forum

[CheerBear]

I hear you @TheVorticon, though also acknowledge that I don't know what the unacceptable to you stuff is and respect that there are reasons you talk the way you do here (as in why you may not want to or feel OK with saying what those unacceptable to you things are).

I don't know if this is going to be a helpful self-disclosure but I am going to go with it (possibly - I may write this and then delete it before I hit reply). My first diagnosis what feels like a million years ago was bpd. I was in hospital and it came about during my first encounter with a psychiatrist. He took very little time or effort to put it down as that. He also mentioned not being totally sure if it was bpd or bipolar, but went with bpd because female plus a certain type of trauma I guess. He medicated me for bipolar just to cover both (I never took that medication). The diagnosis did nothing helpful for me and instead it kept me in harms way with the added bonus of stigma that still follows me around. Years later my psych apologised on behalf of him and others who didn't see the violence I was living with at the time, and he changed my diagnosis/es to other stuff including ptsd. I feel very passionately about personality disorder stuff because of those experiences.

Annnyway, long story short, I have always struggled with aspects of personality disorders that I would consider unacceptable in myself, which is ultra complicated considering I still live with a certain one (if you ask my psych which I don’t tend to do 😉). I feel so incredibly off and really very wrong in writing that as, like you, I tolerate (and then some) them in others especially, as you mentioned, if the underlying reasons are there. To me those underlying reasons are always there and are almost always trauma related which I have nothing but respect for. Yet still I couldn’t accept them of myself. They would be beat-up-for-able stuff. I am working on giving myself the compassion and kindness that I give others but far out it is not easy and it is very much a work in progress.

I guess I just wanted to share that as I think I can relate to what you’re experiencing to an extent. I hope it’s OK for you that I am about to push post.

Would it help to know for sure whether this was a beat-up-for-able thing? Not that I think I anything is beat-up-for-able in you at all, but I get that it really feels that way for you.

[TheVorticon]

Thanks for understanding and replying @CheerBear. 

Yeah it's best that I don't go into the specifics here. 

That's rubbish about the psychiatrist. I dunno why they even have that sort of function in that setting because how can they possibly know anything about what's going on to make any sort of diagnosis. Feeling pretty pissed off for you there. 

I do sense that you get me about the beat-up-for-able stuff. I'm glad that you're pushing back against those ideas for you (cause I don't think there's beat-up-for-able stuff in you either). 

I dunno if it would be good for me to know for sure or not. If I did know and it was, then there's a pretty strict course of action that I would have to take. But if it is and I don't know, then that leaves me having to decide if I take it preemptively or not, or take a partial course of action in line with the likelihood of how much I think it might be. 

[CheerBear]

Really glad to hear from you this morning @TheVorticon.

Thanks for listening and for getting it. I look back now and see where some fire was lit inside and how it helped me find a path/some direction I am proud of 💪 I enjoy using it sometimes to argue with my psych too and remind him that people in power need to be kept in check 😁

I understand that the not knowing for sure allows you the possibility of a less strict course of action. So, so much of me wants to say that there is no need to take any action at all and that you as a person deserve kindness. But the other part of me understands that how I feel about you and how you feel about you are different. I'm hearing how big this is for you and how strongly you feel about it.

I'm interested in hearing how you get on making your way through this, even if you can't talk specifics. We care.

[TheVorticon]

I'm still irritatingly curious about what "options" my psych might be considering.

Knowing won't really help anything but I still want to know, but then I don't want to know details that will lead to self-punishment (and it's not particularly difficult to tip myself into that mindset - I could probably swing almost anything there given the opportunity and motive).

Part of his reason for not telling me (aside from not really knowing yet) is that I'll research the hell out of it and come across unhelpful stuff... Which I understand is more harmful than not knowing and researching a much wider range of things but not identifying with any of them. But both are still a waste of time.

[Maggie]

@TheVorticon  When I was diagnosed I researched the hell out of it. I did find some unhelpful stuff, but I found helpful stuff as well. It’s tricky.

I had a pretty good idea of my diagnosis before it was ‘ official ‘.  I had been given other ‘ labels’, more to help my psych at the time I think, as they were nowhere near who I am. I took meds for bipolar for years, until I realised myself, it wasn’t me, after research. Borderline personality was another. It never did fit, but sometimes a label is for others, not us.

I’m rambling, wanting to let you know I’m hearing you. Sending 💜💜💜

[TheVorticon]

Thanks for listening @Maggie. That sounds hard being given labels that didn't fit. I hope with your diagnosis now, the helpful has been outweighing the unhelpful.

I have like 4 separate guesses about what mine could be. The one that I think is most likely is "doesn't match criteria for one of the standard diagnoses" which in itself is annoying because then no amount of researching will get me closer to an answer. Although I dunno why I'm looking for some sort of magic answer as if it'll actually help anything. A lot of diagnoses aren't conclusive on the cause so it still won't explain why I am the way I am. :face_with_rolling_eyes: Maybe it would just help me understand myself a bit better, but if it's wrong then that goes way out the window.

I dunno. No good answer. But thanks for sharing - it helps not to just get stuck in my own thoughts.

[CheerBear]

How have the last few days been @TheVorticon, if you feel like sharing? When do you speak with psych again?

Just like @Maggie said above, my psych has often said that a label is for others more than it is for the person being labeled. Sometimes (most of the time) that makes me say something like 'well &$%@ your labels then' 😉, but in a way it helps me to think of it like that too. Kind of like all horrible paperwork stuff that's involved with things like c-link and NDIS maybe. It can hurt but it can serve a purpose.

As much as I hate to say it, having labels can help me understand myself better sometimes. I can catch myself thinking or doing something unhelpful and have some insight into how and why it might be which can give me a little pause. But if the label doesn't fit or is wrong then it can do nothing helpful in that way. It's a tricky dilemma you're in as there are pros and cons both ways.

Hearing you and thinking of you

[TheVorticon]

Hi @CheerBear.

I'm feeling OK about the diagnosis situation today, but am also just feeling a bit sad and miss talking to my psych (which hopefully I can admit without making myself feel bad about it). I have an appointment tomorrow which still feels like a long time away even though it isn't.

There always seems like so much that could be talked about, if I want to talk about them, but it's difficult to decide what topics to choose.

[CheerBear]

Just checking in to see how the last little while has been @TheVorticon. Hope there's not too much pressure on you at work. Thinking of you

[TheVorticon]

Thanks for checking in @CheerBear.
It's been a bit 😢😞😠😔😐
Psych said if things went like that after a session then we could have a quick phone call to avoid assuming and spiralling so I did that last night (after stressing way out about asking) and it helped for awhile. Back to 😞 today but hopefully can drop the destructive 😠 because that one makes things pretty bad. The alternative is maybe 😬😣 for awhile but is safer.
At least I didn't quit sessions, then get myself into a mess over having quit :face_with_rolling_eyes:. I just almost-did. I think hopefully we're starting to understand how we can work together better but why does it have to be SO hard 🧐

Work is a bit 😖 considering everything else. Don't want to deal with it.

Hopefully we have similar emoji libraries to translate them or this is going to make no sense 🤣 When I use my desktop I don't have any emojis so they all look like squares until I use my phone like I'm doing now.
I've been following along with the posts in the other thread and am glad that your big gig went well other than the normal but unhelpful post-analysis, and that the home school stuff is easier now. 👍