Feeling caged up

[creative_writer]

The recent medication changes has calmed my brain down. I’m still feeling caged up, I know my psych is looking at more frequent therapy sessions if we can get more under ED plan. Once a month sessions aren’t enough. It just feels like the traumatic memories aren’t ending, I’ve been in therapy for years. It’s taking so long to heal. I just want to get to the point the body flashbacks aren’t so regular 

[creative_writer]

I am tired

[creative_writer]

When will it stop?

[creative_writer]

I feel like I’m speaking into the void, maybe I’ll leave

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer ,

Sorry you feel this way. Feel free to connect to the community and let the community know what support looks like for you.

[creative_writer]

@tyme sorry, RSD and social anxiety was talking. I start assuming that people are mad at me and/or don’t like me and/or I’ve done something wrong. I’m sort of anticipating rejection from the get go. I haven’t felt accepted by many my whole life. Always was the “weird kid”.

I know you mentioned you’ve had trauma in your life, how did you move forward from it?

Maybe it’s going to take more regular therapy for me, I’m not sure. I always seem to go to monthly appointments overfull. I hate admitting that, I put tons of pressure on myself that I shouldn’t need more support and should be okay by now. Perfectionist tendencies are difficult to break free from. I know “shoulding” isn’t helpful

[tyme]

Hey @creative_writer 

It's a bit like that sometimes. You feel unheard when someone doesn't talk to you, but then you don't reach out directly to others so it ends up a bit of a cycle of percieved rejection turning into real 'rejection'? Something like that?

I think with my trauma, I had to first accept that it was trauma and because of what I experienced, it has affected my life. This took  a long time to accept. All my life, I just considered myself as the weird, different person.

Once I accepted it, I could then understand that trauma happens within our context so healing must be around people too.

I then engaged in group therapy which was really hard.. but I finished the program and have made huge gains since.

It's about facing the trauma... not escaping it.

[creative_writer]

@tyme it can feel like that, any perceived rejection triggers me. Probably because I have a history of being rejection.

It is true we need to face it. I think I am still trying to escape it. I’m also trying to navigate how much details to share. I want to heal, but I don’t want to get stuck. My psych and pdoc know that I experience body flashbacks, but it’s been hard exploring them if they are actively occurring a lot of the time. I’m sure there are lots of feelings and emotions I need to work through, maybe I can start with that

[creative_writer]

I’m doing better, my mind is slower. I’m waiting on getting some supplements (recommended by nutritionist) that might help lift my depression and help me with ADHD symptoms. There is some evidence saffron supplements help depression and ADHD symptoms. Pdoc thinks it is too risky to be on stimulants, probably due to my proneness to mixed states. I’ve mostly been struggling with depression now, the hypomanic symptoms are under control. I needed a higher antipsychotic dose to help me ease hypomanic symptoms. ADHD is still making it harder to function, I guess I’m out of dopamine, probably plays a role in depression.

I’m less flashbacky right now, but still feel some minor discomfort, I’m hoping it doesn’t get worse later. It’s so hard holding the shame

[YourLocalMHGuru]

Hi Creative,

What you are experiencing is one of the negative outcomes of our brains being simple processors. 

Our brains are hardwired to fixate on traumas, pains, stress, etc. and to filter out the "irrelevant" aka times we were safe or things that make us feel safe. That is because our brain's priority is far different than our emotional priority. Our brain's priority is your survival, it does this by remembering unsafe situations in order to process them faster and get us out of the situation sooner by reflecting on how this was achieved in similar situations in the past. Our brain takes a lot of energy to run, so it is constantly looking for ways to make shortcuts. This is why traumas are more often repeated in our minds versus the good times. Good times don't threaten our survival and are, thus, deemed less important for the brain to remember. 

There are ways to harness this innate focus of our brains, though. I highly suggest looking up the Pocket Psychologist on Facebook. She is so wonderful at breaking down how the brain works and then providing you with strategies to reign the brain back in. It does take practice to engage the prefrontal cortex, our thinking brain, over the basic brain (which is simple and looking for shortcuts), so if you feel you are struggling and your brain hurts at first that is totally normal - that is the feeling of growing new neural pathways, and it gets easier as you continue to reach for those new neurons and build strong connections to them for easier and quicker retrieval later.