Feeling caged up

[AuntGlow]

That sounds so vulnerable @creative_writer. 

Please know that you aren't required to mask with us. Your authentic feelings are allowed to take up space... I am sorry that people have led you to believe otherwise. 

I wonder if there's a way you can slowly (and safely) allow yourself to unmask when you're on your own?

And have you spoken to your psychologist about how they have been making you feel? 💛

[creative_writer]

@GezzaP I need to find books to read, it keeps the mind busy and can be a great distraction. Maybe I should start with a book list.

@AuntGlow masking is adaptive, but it is very exhausting. Even if I try to appear NT, people still know I am different. Not everyone is able to pick up I am ND, but people who are good at recognising ND are able to. Probably the vibes I give.

I've had moments where I let it out alone, but they are very rare. Not sure how to stop masking, I have people at home. Can't tell anyone about the thoughts in my mind.

I haven't touched it in great detail during a psych session, might try to bring it up next session.

[GezzaP]

I recommend Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ One Hundred Years of Solitude. And try Carlos Fuentes.  @creative_writer 

I’m up early again. Thinking of going for a walk.

[creative_writer]

@GezzaP I might take a look at those. How have you been today?

I feel rather agitated today, can't help but think the world would be better off without me. I'm safe.

[rav3n]

hey there @GezzaP @creative_writer 

i'm sorry to hear you've been feeling that way @creative_writer. i know that this might be hard to believe, but i promise you, my world is certainly better with you in it. and i'm sure that i'm not the only one thinks that 💗

[creative_writer]

@rav3n it’s hard, can’t stop these thoughts. Can’t stop the pain. Trying to distract myself for now, but my mind keeps drifting back.

[rav3n]

i hear that, it is hard @creative_writer not being able to stop it can feel scary, and sometimes the best thing we can do is let the thoughts pass by and flow away. these thoughts popping up aren't facts, they're made our fears, anxieties, trauma, etc. but even though they aren't facts, they can still feel heavy and painful.

i hope you're able to remind yourself that you are worthy of being here. that you're not a burden, and that you deserve to be here. outta curiousity, do you have mantras/quotes that have helped you throughout your journey?

[GezzaP]

I’m good. @creative_writer  Gardener/cleaner here today. We went to Bunnings twice then went to pub for lunch. He tied up tomatoes and planted some flowers for me. He is cleaning now. I’m sitting down.

[creative_writer]

@rav3n  it is true the more we fight our thoughts, they more they come. I could try self talk and challenging thoughts, it feels so fake right now. I guess it’s just one of those things you have to do multiple times. I feel like I keep hitting walls, and the pain won't stop. It just felt like it would be easier to disappear. I haven't reached the unsafe place yet, but it feels like an effort to keep going. My mind has definitely drifted places and ideas have popped up, but not full fledged plan.  

Content/trigger warning

TW ED

I'm also getting thoughts to give into the ED, I know it can cause health complications and lead to premature death, but I don't want to care. 

@GezzaP sounds like you've had a productive day. 

[AuntGlow]

@AuntGlow masking is adaptive, but it is very exhausting. Even if I try to appear NT, people still know I am different. Not everyone is able to pick up I am ND, but people who are good at recognising ND are able to. Probably the vibes I give.

I've had moments where I let it out alone, but they are very rare. Not sure how to stop masking, I have people at home. Can't tell anyone about the thoughts in my mind.

I haven't touched it in great detail during a psych session, might try to bring it up next session.

---

Good afternoon @creative_writer, 

How are you feeling? 🥰

You're not alone in this at all. ND folk are honestly the best. I know it might be hard to connect with this right now, but what do you enjoy about being ND? 

It would be really hard to fully unmask if it doesn't feel safe at home... I wonder if you can explore this through your writing?

I think bringing it up in your next session is a great plan. 

What are you doing for yourself today? 💛