Jlol
Senior Contributor

Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Hi all.

Look, not trying to say anything wrong, or get banned, or have any posts deleted, but I'm really not doing well at the moment.

I've been incredibly stressed for a few months now mostly due to massive changes at work. This has impacted my physical health as well as my my mental health - constant infections, nausea, tiredness.

With my mental health it's really changed things. For example, I find I cannot cope with 'normal' things anymore like going outside. I still do go out to do grocery shopping and the like but it's so, so, stressful and just depressing to do so. Its like leaving either work or my home causes a cascade of overwhelm and depression. Never felt anything like this before. It's kind of scary.

I've talked to my GP and counsellor and they're clueless other than suggesting the magical, fantasy world of "taking some time off work" (who's gonna pay my bills if I do that?).

Don't know what to do. Feel like this is really, really getting out of control and that it will end up "unaliving" (such BS we have to use these euphemisms) me sooner or later if I can't get a grip on it.

Anyway, just posting here out of a kind of desperation. Again, not trying to p*** off any Sane staff, or get anyone in trouble, just posting this out of desperation and need to do something.

17 REPLIES 17

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Hey @Jlol ,

 

I wanted to start off by firstly thanking you for reaching out and being quite plain about what's going on for you. 

 

I hear how hard it is, and it has been for a long time. In the past, there have been a lot of questions you've raised which I have not been able to answer as I do not agree with what you have written. Yet under it all, I hear your cries and your pain, and I really hope there's a way to agree to disagree on some things so that we can move forward and support you with what we CAN support you with.

 

You're right in saying that magical, "take some time off work' doesn't really assist you in your circumstances - I hear that, and I also hear that you are reaching out, out of desperation.

 

If you don't mind me sharing some of my own personal experiences, it wasn't all that long ago that I found myself in a similar space.

 

TW: SI

Content/trigger warning
I was living to die. Every day was a gamble between life and death so that I never knew if it was my last.

 

Long story short, a clinician gave me a wake up call and said, "You gotta be sick of being sick. You are the author of your story. And if you don't like how your story is going, change it." This was a turning point for me because for over a decade, my life was a misery.

Content/trigger warning
I spent more time sectioned than I did at home. At the same time, if these interventions were not in place, I would not be here to tell my story.

Over the course of 3-5 years, I worked hard on making changes. Each time I noticed an unhelpful thinking pattern was brewing, I'd have to change it. It's sorta hard to explain... It was undeniably hard work as I had to work against my normal thinking patterns to pave the way for new neural paths to form.

 

Fast forward, things couldn't be better now. I feel totally in control of the way I think as I can 're-direct' my thoughts. It doesn't come without challenges, but I find it is now natural for me to do it. I don't regret any of my journey as I feel I would not be here today if it wasn't for what I have experienced.

 

I hope you find hope, reassurance and connection. 

 

I'm more than happy to walk alongside you, but I'll be frank - I don't always have the capacity to answer your questions.

 

If there are parts of my response above which you do not appreciate, feel free to let me know and I'll edit it.

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Thanks @tyme,

 

Haha don't worry - I'm not going ask you to edit anything in your post. Would be pretty hypocritical if I did!

"I really hope there's a way to agree to disagree on some things so that we can move forward"

Can you let me know what these are? I honestly don't know.

Your story sounds encouraging. Thank you for sharing it. I'm glad you wrote this as I think it really highlights what I struggle with regarding recovery.

You wrote "Each time I noticed an unhelpful thinking pattern was brewing, I'd have to change it.". This is where I get stuck. I honestly don't know what an unhelpful thinking pattern is. I experience things as a kind of internal dread and stress, almost deep in my stomach. It's not connected with any thought, its just constantly there. 

The "depression" side of this is that I struggle with living with this intense fear/dread/stress. See, I first developed this dread (I'll stick with the word dread for now, but it really is a combination of things) when I was very, very young. As I got older and forgot how things were before the dread set in I honestly thought it was just normal to feel this way. I thought everyone had this massive pit of internal fear and dread, but just dealt with it or ignored it way better than I could.

So, when the pressure and stress of this 'dread' got to the point where I started thinking "hey, if I were 'unalive' then I wouldn't have to deal with feeling this way" I thought that was regular depression and started seeing a therapist.

I saw many, many therapists over the years and they all said things along the lines what you said, about challenging negative thoughts and unhelpful thinking patterns. Of course, it never worked for me as I honestly don't have unhelpful thoughts (apart from maybe "this feeling of dread is so, so intense I think I need to 'unalive' myself to avoid it).

I suppose you could almost compare it to chronic pain or something similar. Physical chronic pain doesn't really come from thoughts, it's just there - all the time. Same with this gut feeling of dread I have.

So yeah, therapy has never had any success for me because there isn't really a particular thought, thought pattern, or event to talk about. Just this deep, deep, intense dread of life and living (haha is there a latin name for that? Vitaphobia?). It's not associated with anything, it's just there. And the exhaustion of living with it 24hrs a day is what leads me to 'unaliving' thoughts. 

Anyway, thanks for listening!

 

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Hey @Jlol ,

 

Believe it or not, I've been meaning to check-in with you... then each time I do it, I get side tracked! My sincere apologies - but please just know I've been thinking about you - a lot.

 

 

My apologies in advance if I don't get to all the questions you've posed in your post.. I tend to get side tracked (can you tell?). I seriously need to do something with this ADHD, but that's another story.

 

"I really hope there's a way to agree to disagree on some things so that we can move forward"

Can you let me know what these are? I honestly don't know.

These are in terms of life not worth living, therapists being lousy and there for money, 'talking therapy' being useless. This sorta stuff.

 

Why I say this is because I found all of these things helpful. Yes, it was a long road to get the 'right' support, but once I did, I've never gone backwards.

 

There was certainly a stage in my life where I hated life. I hated it so much that I just wanted to end everything and be released from the pain. In the darkest moments, I'll be honest, the public mental health system is what took me through. They did the heavy lifting to keep me alive, then the rest I had to do.

 

As I said, my wake up call was in a PARCs where i learnt that I really needed to do the work if I wanted change. It wasn't because I wasn't doing work already, but I had to be willing to try different things.

 

It's so interesting that you mention that you actually don't have challenging thoughts. Does that mean it is more anxiety/panic as opposed to depression? (btw, I'm not clinical specialist, but the way you have framed this tells me that that intense dread is what we are dealing with).

 

I wonder if you have unpacked this with anyone? 

 

In my eyes, no one is beyond help. I have strong hope and belief that things will improve - but that's my hope 🙂

 

Take care mate.

 

Will catchya soon!

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Thanks @tyme,

Yes, I guess we can agree to disagree on those things, but I do hold a large amount of resentment that I have spent so much money and time on these experts who did not diagnose me correctly. I feel that, outcomes wise, psychologists are not held to account. If I went to a dentist with a toothache and they misdiagnosed and did a root canal on the wrong tooth I'd at least be able to go back and get that fixed. In my case I spent years and tens of thousands of dollars on mental health professionals, who earn a very large sums of money, who I trusted but who misdiagnosed me then refused to entertain that possibility. I have no recourse on this - those years, energy, and money could have been used for different, more correct treatments or approaches before my health deteriorated to the point it is now. It could have even been used on other important things like furthering my education or buying a home. So, I think I at least have the right to be apprehensive about this industry and alert others of this, especially when they charge so much and have no form of quality control or review (note, I have never - and will never - tell anyone not to go to therapy).

Anyway, that's beside the point of this convo, and I'm glad it worked out for you.

To answer your question "Does that mean it is more anxiety/panic as opposed to depression?" I don't honestly know. My current theory is that this based form early childhood trauma. Not a single traumatic event, but a series of slow-burn exposures to high-stress situations over years, mostly involving early school. Again, this makes it difficult to talk about with a professional as there was no single one big event to break down and discuss, but I have a definite memory of gradually going from a pretty relaxed, friendly, and happy-go-lucky kid to being so overwhelmingly stressed about going to school I would cry almost every morning and beg my parents not to take me.

I'm not sure this counts as anxiety. I'm not jumpy or get a high heart rate or overly worry about upcoming events. I have tried many anti-anxiety medications over the years, but they do nothing to dislodge the gut-feeling of dread. Some professionals have kicked around the words CPTSD but, especially after having read a few books on it, it doesn't feel quite right.

I have unpacked this with mental health professionals, many, many times. I'm not shut off at all from discussing this, and am an open book. I want results after all! But it seems to me that they just don't know what to do after I've told them this theory and any or all of the stories behind it.

Again, a theory of mine is that this extreme-stress situation at school was so encompassing it baked in. I changed from being "normal" to being in a constant state of fight-or-flight response. My concentration level dropped, I developed bad insomnia, and night terrors. Lost confidence in myself. I even put on weight as I started to steal small amounts of money from my parents to spend on junk food simply because the sugar hit was a short cut to feeling something positive for a few moments.

Because school was so frequent and often - 5 days a week for 12 years - I felt I never got a chance to take time out and recover. No chance for the fight-or-flight response to relax.

And so that feeling of unresolved dread of going to a place where I was tormented and abused day after day, year after year, just became my default and has carried with me for years. I've completely forgotten the friendly, relaxed, happy-go-lucky 6 year old child. There's no baseline to return to.

But yeah, as I said I have spoken to professionals many, many times about this and whilst, at best, they're pretty good at asking questions about my past to help me reveal this story, I've found they're just clueless as to what to do next. It's like they expect me to delve back into my past and have an epiphany.

Anyway, thanks for your reply and sorry for the wall of text.

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Thanks for explaining @Jlol . 

 

What you have shared provides so much context into how things are going for you at the moment and the perhaps, whys behind it. 

 

I've read your post again and again, and I'm going to say that I'm going to spend time thinking about it. I feel there is a lot in your post that I can connect with so I want to take some time to examine those connections. 

 

To put it simply, my brain is piecing the puzzle pieces together and some puzzle pieces fit in more than one place so I have to rearrange them. Hope this makes sense!

 

I look forward to getting back to you with my thoughts (not answers!).

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening/reading @tyme. Sorry for the disjointed writing. I have to do this at work and can only write a few sentences at a time.

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Believe it or not @Jlol , I was driving home today (about an hour's drive) and I was thinking about your post throughout the drive. I was thinking of different experiences I've had and tried to make connections around CPTSD, anxiety etc. 

 

The fact that you don't actually have 'thoughts' you need to manage sounds more like a blessing lol! Most people are battling horrendous thoughts! But I also recognise that that feeling of impending 'doom' can be all-encompassing and sort of swallow you up in that moment.

 

I'm so so sorry to hear about your triggers from school. I can see it's had such an impact on you. As I said, I'm not a clinician, but I can see how that childhood trauma has impacted you so in a way, there is a strong connection you have made between school and something 'negative' - it therefore spikes your heart rate and causes all those things that come with it.

 

In a way, I can liken it to my severe fear of dogs when I was a child. As soon as I saw a dog, I'd' freeze. My heart rate would spike, my breathing became shallow, and I felt I would be eaten by the doom. Here, I made a connection between dogs and a negative experience.

 

Before I share how I got over this fear (eventually), do you think this is similar to what you experience? That is, although I have that intense fear and anxiety, it doesn't give me negative thoughts so much. It's just that my body is sent into a fear.

 

I don't want to assume this is the same for you, hence I'd like to ask because I share any more.

 

Hope you're okay mate.

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

How are you going @Jlol ?

Re: Really, really not doing well. Stress is overwhelming. Don't know what to do.

Hi @tyme,

Thanks for replying and thinking about this. Sorry, I'm really, really not ok at the moment. But I'll try to respond to you.

Hmm with your situation with the dogs... I'm not sure it's the same. I don't get those typical anxiety or panic issues with spiked heart rate and shallow breathing (perhaps I miss-typed this previously).

I think there is a connection with, perhaps, the act of waking up and participating in society. I know that sounds very broad, but I'm just spitballing here.

When this all first happened with school when I was young, my family and I lived out in the country. I was a pretty "free-range" kid. Then I went to school and had all these pressures and expectations on me, as well as the traumatic events. I remember when I first went to school I would constantly get in trouble because I just wasn't used to the structure of a school environment and the absolute unquestionable authority the teachers had. I specifically remember being yelled at a lot by adults, something which never happened at home. You forget your hat? Yelled at. You accidentally lose a ball over a fence? Yelled at. Drop your pencil case? Yelled at.

Now, I knew that education was a good thing and a kid you *had* to go to school. I knew this is what everyone did. So I just assumed that this was what life was. Get up, put on a uniform, get yelled at by adults, get bullied, get abused, be made to do academic work I didn't like, go home exhausted, and repeat the next day and day after day, year after year.

I don't want to say this was just school. I think other things also set the tone. My first job at 14 for example: put on a uniform, go to the store I worked at, do crap work (in my case cleaning a Woolies butchers department), get yelled at by adults. 

Then there was all the social crap that happens as a teen. Because I was so overweight and under confident I struggled to make friends. And when everyone started dating and all that I was miles behind. I'm fine about it now, but as a teen seeing all your friends meet people, date, fall in love, etc and being left out - it kinds hurts.

I remember once driving in town with a friend when he saw some girls he knew and pulled over to talk to them. I just sat in the car minding my own business while they talked. Suddenly one of them opened my door, said "Who's this piece of shit?" and half kicked half wiped the sole of their shoe across my shirt. That kind of stuff happened a fair bit. I felt I never really did anything but exist and random people hated me for it.

Same sort of thing continued into my adult life. Tried to go to uni, failed miserably. I just couldnt work in that environment.

At some point I did get an actual, career-type job. But I was so under qualified and stressed out I just snapped one day. I remember getting and email from a client who (again) was pissed off at me, and just thinking "f*ck it, I'm out". A real sense of calmness and clarity settled over me. Honestly, it was the best I'd felt in a very long time. I just left the office without telling anyone anything, drove home to my rented share house, and spent the next few hours packing up my belongs into boxes and cleaning my room. I still felt this amazing feeling of calmness. Then I drove somewhere remote and tried to "unalive" myself. Obviously, that didn't happen - someone driving past saw me and called the cops. The cops came, dragged me out the car, called me a bunch of nasty things ("a waste of time", "c*nt", "f*ck wit"), "arrested" me (frisked me, took away my stuff, locked me in their car) and drove me to a hospital. No one likes it when I talk about the police behaving the way they do. We're all meant to live in this fantasy world where this doesnt happen, apparently.
Nothing I said to anyone - doctors, nurses, the police, etc - mattered. Once these people have decided you're a nut case you're nobody. You're in a "don't speak until spoken to" situation. You couldn't ask any questions. I sat in this locked room/ward for close to 24 hours. There was about 6 beds to a dozen patients, so a lot of people literally slept on the floor. There was nothing to do to pass the time - no TV, no magazines, no news papers. You weren't allowed to use your phone to call anyone. I passed the time by playing a game flicking balls of tissues into a plastic cup for hours on end. At one point I did try to ask a nurse for something to read - she pointed to a scrap of newspaper poking out of a rubbish bin and walked away. When I asked for my phone one to many times one of the nurses called me a "stupid c*nt".

Eventually, I saw someone (I don't know there actual job) who simply said "Will you be a good boy and not do that again?" of course I said "yes" and they let me go. I had to walk hours back to my car (did I also mention they don't give you any food there?).

As you can imagine, that experience did wonders for my mood. It immediately lead to another "unaliving attempt", this time with no intervention. Obviously failed that too and spent days just sick in bed pretending I had a cold.

I've "attempted" a few more times since then over the years. Sometimes I ended up in hospital. Still the same stuff from the police. Last time they kicked open my door when I answered it smashing me back so hard I fell against a shelf, breaking it. My wrist was swollen for weeks afterwards.

Still the same stuff from the public MH system - don't want anything to do with you, still calling you names.

So, can you blame me for not thinking MH professionals arn't the bees knees?

Obviously, these experiences only added to my internal sense of dread, stress, and fear. And here we are - can't trust anyone, everyone is out to get you in one way or another.
Sorry, that was another wall of text. I just am trying to explain to you why I feel the way I do.