Hey @Jlol , I hope its OK for me to post into your thread? I had a read of your first page or two and the last page or two, and found it really interesting. (Interesting isn't the right word, but I cant find the right word. I mean this is a positive way).
I can relate to your feelings about not knowing anything else that what you currently feel because you've felt it since childhood. And the not having distinct thoughts that cause the feelings sometimes. I have depression rather than anxiety/dreadful based feelings, but I too am a chronic SI fellow.
I found your observations about being able to find a place to talk about SI quite good. Sometimes I too wish I could just talk to someone about how I feel without having to know what I need from others in the moment or having to think of even why I want to express it (beyond "letting someone/the world know).
Another member mentioned to me an online zoom meeting group where you can join if you feel like it, specifically for SI but does also talk about other things too, and they dont have a Duty of Care but they will listen and of course as peers try to help talk through what youre thinking/feeling. They wont call the police. It can even be 100% anonymous- no real name, doesnt have to use video, can even type instead of speak!
Check out Alt2su NSW if you think that would be useful.
In terms of the forum, I've found it OK to talk about SI. But I guess I talk about it in a bit of a reflective way, around what may have lead to me feeling how I do and how to avoid those situations (for me exhaustion is a big trigger!). I haven't felt that Im not allowed to chat about it. But I do stick to the SH & SI space for it because I dont want to expose others to those topics if they want to avoid that space.
I hope you're doing relatively-ok on your scale of ok-ness. I hear you though. And I can relate to a lot of what you have said about not being able to generally talk about SI in society. I dont feel able to talk to friends or family about it either usually. And my GP ignores it like I haven't said anything 😢 - that was my experience with a psychiatrist also. Because ive never made an attempt, my SI is dismissed by many. But thankfully here it hasn't been.
