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Senior Contributor

(trigger warning) miscarrige/babydeath

hi guys im pretty much putting a trigger warning on this whole post as it is about miscarriges and baby deaths but im struggling right now and i really need help.

 

Content/trigger warning
so my sister recently just lost her baby boy and i feel really bad for her as he had died at 14 weeks gestation but they canceled her 15 week ultrasoud because of covid and didnt find out till her 20week scan. they had to give her medication to help her body realise the baby died and detatch it then they induced labour. 

i have also experienced a similar thing and usually i dont let it get to me that much. i lost a baby girl at 13 weeks and 3 days gestation but the differences in how i was treated and how my sister has been treated has me really upset. i know we were at different hopitals in  different states but for my sister they gently cleaned the baby as best they could and wrapped him up in a special wrap and let my sister and her partner cuddle him and take photos then they got prints of his feet and hands and have set up for them to talk to a therapist for 5 sessions and a social worker is helping them organise a cremation and putting the ashes in a special keepsake for them. 

all i got was a certificate of birth and death and told it was a girl and they would deal with the "fetus". 
it upset me so much at the time but i slowly worked through it but this has brought it all back up again. i am very close with my sister and i dont want her to know that i am upset because i want to be there for her especially since our mother is being very insensitive to the situation.
ive only ever told a counsellor about this i have never told anyone else not even my partner because even though he is the father of our little angel he was away at uni his holidays were going to line up with my 20 week scan and i was going to surprise him then but i never got to tell him. so now he doesnt understand why its upsetting me so much but i dont know how to tell him without getting him angry i didnt tell him.
2 REPLIES 2
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Re: (trigger warning) miscarrige/babydeath

Hi @Define_normal , I'm sorry for your loss. 

 

I haven't been through this myself...but I'm sorry you're struggling. It's a terrible loss. 

 

Please take care.

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Re: (trigger warning) miscarrige/babydeath

Hi @Define_normal 

 

I read your post this morning and I had to think before replying because it is an incredibly difficult subject and I understand - but how do I reply?

 

One thing is choice - you chose not to tell your infant's father when this happened - I don't know how long ago that was and now he doesn't know why you are so upset about your sister's loss - and so you do have another choice and that is whether or not to tell him

 

It's really sad that you went through it on your own - and now - I would it's rough on him to know this happened and he never knew - you are afraid he might be angry but he might not be - he might be unhappy that he never knew but you could give him a chance - people do not always get angry and you might be surprised.

 

Apart from choice - I have been through hospitals several times and there are nurses and nurses - I had a few miscarriages before my daughter was born and there are times in all our lives when we need a bit of TLC - times when we need a lot of it - and if we tend to hold it all in then some people don't perceive this need at the time - and when we are faced with such a terrible truth - a baby gone before birth - there was a life and it has gone - this is so hard - I really feel for you

 

None of us can help our mothers and you feel a great need to be there for you sister - and you can be - there are organisations you can contact for help for your own loss and hold onto that and care for your sister - you both know your mother

 

You can contact SANDS - Stillbirth and NeoNatal Death Association or perhaps PANDA - Perinatal Anxiety Neonatal Depression Australia 

 

Then there is Grief Line and Life-Line - 

 

Remember - the loss of an unborn child at any stage is a loss and losses need to be grieved - I am wondering if you have had any chance to grieve or never knew you could - or would - or should

 

And it is hard - it is brutal to lose a child at any age - we can wish people knew and at the same time not want them to have any idea - it is really difficult - and I know

 

You can choose to tell your partner or not but please be there for your sister and support her and get help for yourself

 

There are people including myself who have had similar experiences and if you keep reaching out other people with find you here

 

Please keep in touch

 

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