Social anxiety and loneliness

[creative_writer]

I know feeling anxious around others and to suppress your emotional needs if often a trauma response. I can at times suppress my emotional needs and not care, but it’s not long lasting. I rather keep to myself because it feels safer and I struggle to connect with others, I guess the world favours NT people without mental illness. I don’t want to rely on people but I don’t want to feel lonely either. Though I rather be lonely and safe than be surrounded by the wrong people. Ending up alone is hardly the worst thing, ending up with the wrong people is way more painful. I don’t want to lose my sense of independence, maybe it’s fear of engulfment 

[MJG017]

I've felt a similar way my whole life.  I want to be around people, especially close relationships with them, whether family or friends.  But I just never really let anyone close enough and always maintain an emotional distance with everyone.  I always feel stressed and anxious when having to deal with people, especially socially.

@creative_writer I found out recently I probably have what they called an insecure attachment style, which from the bits I've read, seems to explain a lot.  I've made an appointment to see someone about it and find out more.  They psychologist I am seeing seemed to agree that this was a likely issue for me and then wished me luck getting help with it!  Hence I'm now looking for someone else. 

So reading your post, sounded familiar so maybe you have a similar issue.  Something to look into anyway.  I'm still just learning about it myself.

[tyme]

Hey @MJG017 @creative_writer ,

We're over on Sunday Hangout if you want to join on Chatwee https://client.chatwee.com/popout/5fe12dcb78c130638b151232

[creative_writer]

@MJG017 I think I do have insecure attachment too, probably because my parents never knew how to emotionally support me and would feel uncomfortable when I was upset. Even to this day, I cannot say I have one safe person, I don’t know how to feel safe around people. I just wish the anxiety didn’t affect my everyday life so much, placement is hard by itself, but social anxiety does make it harder. Social anxiety affect my personal and professional life, it’s hard.

I hope you are able to work on the attachment stuff. Attachment trauma is real.

[ChouxieChou]

I’m profoundly lonely and it’s my fault. I don’t know what to do or how to be different. I don’t know if I want to be different because I’d rather be alone and lonely than be with people that I don’t like. It’s a catch 22

[8ppleTree]

Hi @ChouxieChou 

I hear that it's a catch 22! It can be hard to sit at home, but also hard to connect with others with definite plans sometimes. If only there was an easier way to fix this. Like a safe socialisation space for adults lol "Turn up if you want to, always welcome, no pressure".

I think there must be clubs, with low levels of commitment necessary? Or maybe friend groups where you only ever need to tentatively make plans, and then can leave if you whig out half way through? That might be nice..

Do you have pets? Dog walking groups might be fun? The dogs could do most of the talking! 🙂 

[Asgard]

Morning @creative_writer 

Making friends is always difficult when you have anxiety issues, I so identify with what you have said.  On the one hand making friends will address feelings of loneliness whilst on the other you are facing unknown people and situations.  However I found what @8ppleTree mentioned regarding pets has really worked for me. I was looking after my friends beagle for a month and lets just say that wee doogie must have been a "meet n greeter" in a previous life.  By his antics I talked to every single person on our walks.  Some conversations were short, others long, Scamp (as in dog) kinda dictated that but as the weeks went on I enjoyed the familiarity of meeting the same people.  So in a way you need to put yourself out there, yes its scar

[MJG017]

@creative_writerInsecure attachment certainly does explain a lot of my behaviours from what I've read so far.  While its nice to know, its oossibly not just all my fault, it doesnt get me any closer to fixing any of it.... if thats even possible at this stage.

I am adopted, and I never felt close to my adoptive parents.  My father never did anything with me, and both parents only told me about things I did wrong or just didnt do.  I think my mother was always disappointed that I was never emotionally available, always telling her how much I loved her, always wanting to hug her etc.  Im not sure she ever really wanted to raise kids, just someone to tell her how much they loved her.  It just made me feel even more like a failure and unworthy.  A couple of times as a little kid, i reached out after being really stressed and anxious about something.  Both times it got so much, over a week or so rhat I admitted to her what was troubling me and both times I was told to stop being silly.  After 2 times, I never did it again.

Its so hard to explain, that I never really tried.  How could I explain it if I didnt understand it myself?!  I watched on throughout my life as I mad bad decision after bad decision due to not being able to overcome the fear and anxiety to allow myself to get clost to anyone... even just tallking to people was very difficult.

I hated being alone, but I hated the stress, fear, and anxiety of being around people even more, so I kept to myself, like I just observed the world through a window.

Now I look back as someone in their mid 50s and see that it cost me everything good in life.  I didnt leave home until my early 40s because I didnt have anywhere else to go, couldnt afford to live on my own because getting a job was hard when the thought of being judged during a job interview was terrifying and it all felt pointless anyway.  The complete lack of self confidence was always obvious in the interviews I did have, which predictably didnt go well, only reinforcing the idea that no one wanted me with each failure.  Keeping to myself, i never made close friends, or even close relationships with family members, the thought of finding a partner felt like a complete unobtainable fantasy.  It took me until I was 40 to even have a date with anyone, so kids of my own clearly never happened.

Sorry, for my rant, but ive never really had the chance to talk to anyone I thought might just "get it".  I wish I had known about this 25 years ago and tried to get some help for it back then. I'll keep trying but I really hope you have better luck working on this that I ever had   No one deserves this!

[creative_writer]

@ChouxieChou I feel like it’s harder to socialise for those of us with social anxiety. It’s all about baby steps as @8ppleTree suggested, you need to slowly ease yourself into it.

@Asgard pets can be amazing. I’m more of a cat person than dog. Pets won’t even judge you like other people. But having pets around focuses the other person’s attention on the furbaby. It’s true you have to put yourself out there, uni has been very anxiety provoking lately.

@MJG017 that sounds pretty rough. Children need caring and supportive parents. Sometimes parents don’t realise they’re trying to get their needs met through their children. The thing is parents are the ones that are meant to emotionally support their children.

My parents love me and I don’t doubt that. My parents have always been on the anxious side, particularly mum. They never knew what to do with emotions, so I just pushed them under the rug till it was too much. So I grew up thinking all these emotions were wrong and I became guarded. I also was bullied at school. Had significant trauma as a 19-20 year old. So it’s been multiple things adding on top of each other. I know shit happens to everyone, I’ve always felt guilty for being so affected by it. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship, nobody feels safe. I don’t know if I want it, or maybe I do, I don’t know. I’ve learnt to suppress my needs, sometimes I don’t know if I’m just like this or it’s a trauma reaction

[MJG017]

@creative_writerBeing bullied at school certainly doesnt help with the self confidence or dersire to want to be around people does it.  I learnt early on in primary school to always completely ignore any bullying... the worse it got, the more I ignored it.  I figured it was annoying them so it was the only way I had of any snall win in the situation.  Of corese, for me, this was a long time iago, long before the internet do at least I got a break from it at home.  Just because I ignored it didn't mean it didnt upset me, but it did teach me to control and hide my emotions and I think I just became to good at it.  When I got older, it was too hard to not keep hiding them.

Its funny how we grew up with very different parents but that it was the emotional disconnect that orobably affected us both.  If we dont learn it from our parents duri g those yiunger years then it seems to lead to many issue when we're older.

I know that feeling of guilt for being so affected but I try to remind myself that it wasnt my fault, I was just never given the tools to deal with these things like other people do.  At keqat you're trying to figure this out now while waiting until you're in yiur 50s, so hopefully you can sort some of this stuff out.  I think it takes a lot of time and work... and some very understanding people around you.  Thankfully I have one such person in my life which is the only thing giving me any hope of learning to deal with these issues a bit easier.  Hopefully you can find some similar support.