Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

hi @Jynx @Appleblossom @Owlunar2 @TAB 

thank u for your input and prescence

i'm more or less alone here and i feel utterly gone

i don't think there is a way out for this, i feel like i will not make it, G-d forbid.

I don't feel excellent.

I only have my breath as proof that i'm alive but i feel utterly destroyed and useless as a human from the horrible experiences i've had in mental health services and from people who just used me up and spat me out

[EternalFlower]

@Appleblossom  i feel so voiceless in the system, it is so annoying

the commentary on myweight is so stupid - because they never mention my height or clothes or other features besides that one.

I know when I lose weight the comments go away

All they are telling me is - i'm a little outside the norm, and its a fun time for them to nitpick me, just like i experienced growing up - not looking pretty for them - so sorry. I'm actually not here fo a rating out of 10 on my looks, youthfulness, or sweetness

I was thinking it would be a place to get medical treatment? i hate area mental health sm.

[EternalFlower]

@Appleblossom this made me laugh

"Poppy came to the appointment in a Halloween costume”
(I’m goth, I dress like this everyday)"

[Jynx]

@EternalFlower I am so sorry that there has been so little humanity shown to you hun. Sometimes we can only say thanks for the air we still breathe, and little else. I wish it were different, I wish I had words to make it better, I wish things weren't so backwards. 

May you find ways to connect to your hope again; in the meantime I will hold onto some for you, best I can. You will get through this, I have faith in you 💜 

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower I wish I could make it better. A gp warned me 20 years ago to stay away from our area mental health.  I am sadly aware of the power of psychiatric records, especially for my family, and was glad when someone shared that link with me. It lifted my mood for a few weeks, knowing there are people with imagination, in resistance. Finding a tribe or community apart from those services can be hard. 

[EternalFlower]

@Appleblossom i stayed there to access spectrum and now i have zero services and am at death's door i am ready and over with it

a clinician wrote that i was a "chubby middle aged woman" (i'm in my late 30s) and another one said i emotionally manipulate ppl coz I have BPD

I don't have BPD but who cares right? they just copy and paste it? Then they wrote that have no insight whatsoever into my mental illness - if so - then why are they discharging me?

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower spectrum were supposed to be good. Did you ever do DBT with them?

sometimes I am short on words… music and visuals and being outside help me… is there anything that has helped you feel better within yourself… regardless of what anyone says or thinks…. 

@Jynx @tyme 

[Jynx]

@EternalFlower this is awful to hear hun, I am sorry that this is where they've left you. Sounds like there's a lot of stigma going on too which is rough. 

No insight whatsoever huh? Yikes. How disempowering. I hope you get some kind of opportunity to school them.

[EternalFlower]

hi @Jynx in writing it out loud it doesn't even make sense - no insigh into my mental illness, but claims she's not getting anything out of the service- 

a person with no insight can't make that decision, and certainly shouldn't be discharged.
F off entirely registrar Ms R and in terms of calling me middle aged, i'm a young woman and about 5 yearsolder than you - not sure what she's smoking - guess she'd never met a woman who wasn't skinny before and maybe didn't put on a smile.

thanks for the solidarity and care. 

[EternalFlower]

@Appleblossom words are hard

sorry if you've ever tried this but i also paint and sometimes just put small words (not even sentences) in the art work - and when I look at them, they are so profound to me - just getting them out of my body

I wrote on my artwork yesterday "every thought is worse than its predecessor" which is negative, but also how I felt yesterday.

And I think that's okay? It's less scary on the page.

I like visuals too but am not so sensitive to colours as i wish I was - i do like being in nature, or looking at trees. 
Trees grow and also bear witness.

Humans at the moment 😞

TW: Mentions of suicide attempt

Content/trigger warning

Spectrum was not great for me, I hated my psychologist there. I was shoved into a group with no goals and purpose and had a suicide attempt. The clinician told me we will look over and discuss why I had that attempt, but delayed doing so for nearly 3 months, after which I got the messaging that she really didn't care. She was also on leave constantly and being quite distracted, perhaps Spectrum wasn't her real source of passion. I had some beautiful experiences with other clinicians but sadly was assigned to one that made me feel unsafe and unheard.