Fragile

[Appleblossom]

Thank you for checking in and asking for clarification @rav3n I really appreciate it.

I have a heavy load of suicidal ideation. 

This afternoon went well. The leader of the group is anxious and pernickety but I can learn from him. I got home safe after a big drive. I am building community so that, and commitments are my biggest protective factors. 

[rav3n]

i can't imagine how heavy that feels to experience those ideations for so long @Appleblossom i'm really glad that you've found ways to help you through it, like making those commitments.

it's not easy, yet here you are doing your best and pushing through. hope you're proud of yourself for the work you've put in keeping yourself safe each day.

hugs to you 💙

[Dimity]

Perhaps chronic passive SI is like occupying a liminal space @Appleblossom . We walk along the waters edge , skirting sand and sea, and sometimes there are gleanings we would not have had otherwise. Perhaps we can call ourselves beachcombers.

[Appleblossom]

Oh @Dimity that is a beautiful creative way to conceptualize it. I have combed many beaches. Hey I live in the land of Oz.

Thank you @rav3n 

[Till23]

Wow that’s excellent @Dimity 

I’m sorry to hear you are having SI @Appleblossom 

I also have chronic, not so much SI, but just wishing I wasn’t here, so very passive. 
I also feel I am in the liminal space at times. Because I don’t care if I’m alive or not, I do feel I realise things I would not otherwise. However, it is a bit of a dangerous place because it can lead to delusional thinking if you’re not monitoring yourself, I think. It’s interesting though, to observe those thoughts.

Does that happen to you @Appleblossom or do you use distractions, so you don’t go there?

[Jynx]

@Appleblossom aww hey! Sounds like you had a difficult weekend, but found some beautiful pockets within - nature and a pork roast? SO good for the soul! I may need some nature soon my own self... Craving that quiet and stillness! 

Hope your Monday has unfolded okay hun, and hopefully the SI has abated somewhat too? 😊💜

[Appleblossom]

This is the first time I have disclosed  the seriousness of my struggle with SI on

 here. @Jynx Mostly I am wary of burdening or triggering others. I

Thank you all for your meaningful caring responses. 

Yes, often being in a liminal space describes my existence well. @Dimity I really used to feel invisible. That has improved since I joined the forum. 

@Till23 yes lots of passive ideation and not caring about myself. Eg with many things including gardening I can just work myself into a mass of physical pain. It is part of the reason I have hand issues and neck issues. Few people can really get their heads around my story. It is so much.

Today was mixed. Did physio garden. Went to rock band jam, a guy their doesn't like me and ignores me if I try to clarify a chord or song and keeps shifting goal posts, changing songs, practice days, but avoiding me. I walked out al most at the end. I liked the other people but was getting very agitated with his agro stand over attitudes and ignoring direct questions about what key we are playing. It was an issue again today. I just don't need it in my life. So I guess the rock band was a little side quest after all. I just quietly walked out and asked him "please don't be a bully". They all heard. Guess I will stay with quieter acoustic and early and sacred music music. It was a silly distraction.

I have a challenge tomorrow. 

[Dimity]

I think I'd picked up on your struggle @Appleblossom from previous hints and references... perhaps being attuned or sensitive... 

Machismo and aggression seems often on display in the rock arena. It's a pity one individual ruined the vibe, it could have been fun.

Much strength to your arm tomorrow. I trust it helps you move forward. It's important. 

[Till23]

Yes @Appleblossom I often work away and overdo things, only last week I carted and stacked a tonne of firewood in less than 2 hrs, mowed the back lawn straight away, and then chopped some of new firewood with axe.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that wanders into the luminal space

Is the physio garden - a garden at a local physiotherapy practice?

I think knowing the key you're playing in is pretty fundamental! You sounds like an experienced and versatile musician, so I'm sure you'll have other musical opportunities.

All the best with tomorrow's session.

[Jynx]

@Appleblossom this absolutely warms me to hear. I am sorry that you have had to keep so much inside for so long, but very glad to know that you have been able to express these things and felt safe in doing so 💜