Fragile

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity thanks for being there. You have many similar ways of thinking and that has helped reduce my isolation. I don't mean to be so Deep and Meaningful and Spiritual but that is what life served up.

I had long cat cuddle last night with one cat and tonight with the other. So I guess it is nice and even between the two. For the last week I was so busy and agitated I couldn't sit still. No lap available. 

Yes re machismo and rock. I actually met the father of my children doing keyboard in a recording, so had a little experience.... 40 years back... The gentler acoustic is probably better for me. 

@Till23 hearing you about your physical labour. I picked that up about you too. In some ways it is great when connecting and caring for country so long as it is also respecting limits while caring for self. 

I do feel a good womanhood circle posting on here with you both. 

I have enough involvements at the moment. Rest perturbed spirit. My son is out with friends watching sports, which is a new interest for him since he discovered this friendship group. 

[Appleblossom]

@Jynx There is also dealing with the spectres of my siblings. 

 @Dimity 

@Till23 I started going to a physio during the COVID lockdowns. I had started Guerilla gardening in another area opposite a substation, so while I was getting about using my spade, I started tending the land at the physio. I was actually upset cos it was about 60 metres street front and it just looked poisoned, no mulch, no lawn. So I put in my own plants and gradually filled the space and mulched. It is low maintenance, took a while, but is established now. I was tired of doing exercises for my spine (since the mid 1990s) and wanted to keep active in a whole body functional way. I also was tired of being put down for being on NDIS so it was my way of proving to the physio clinic that I had education, cared about the environment and worked in small ways to make a difference. It has meant that the office manager and my physios have always treated me with respect. I don't pay for it but I have worked for it and they know it.

[Dimity]

Cats are good companion critters @Appleblossom . And the two have each other when you're busy or preoccupied. 

My boy can be very vocal. He speaks far more now that he's an only cat. 

I need to build my circle but am taking things slowly after my recent crises. And I have to prioritise my remaining family connections. 

I took the initiative with the owners corporation garden many years ago but a succession of unsympathetic owners undid most of my efforts. I might try again, and fill the gaps. 

I don't have the strength for guerrilla gardening so occasionally email council about the local pocket park (new trees needed watering over summer) and other green issues.

[Appleblossom]

@DimityI remember your neighbour being difficult about the joint area. You have had physical and family issues to cope with. 

I have really scaled back my efforts. Not done much work in last 18 months beyond my little court. ( Too many hospitalisations with my son). The Guerilla garden still exists but council are into leaf blowing over mulching.... Der.... So the mulch I put in with my 80 year old girlfriend got blown away. 

[Till23]

Yes @Appleblossom I remember the beginning of guerilla gardening.

It's lovely that you did that, as I said before there are different reasons people are on NDIS, and I don't think you need to "prove" anything, but I understand giving back to community

Yes I much prefer to do functional exercise than exercise at a gym. I'm lucky to have my own garden and the wood fire, which gives me functional exercise and then I have my sport.

I also had the dogs to walk and I would run with them on bush trails or on the beach when they were young.

Chatting to you on here I get the feeling you are more of an acoustic person.

I also think it's great to talk about spirituality. I have a nature based spirituality and I feel you have at least a bit of that also and sounds like some more traditional spirituality/religion.

Do you have a TV. There's a great show on ABC now called Piano, about everyday people playing a piano at a station somewhere in Australia, so far they have done Sydney and Melbourne. It makes me want to get a piano, I love the sound and it reminds me of my dad and his mum (my grandmother)

[Jynx]

@Appleblossom 

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@Appleblossom wrote:

@Jynx There is also dealing with the spectres of my siblings. 

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Sounds like a heavy one for ya hun. Something you wanna chat about at all? Always happy to listen 💜

[Appleblossom]

Of the 4 children on the Wardship documents in my ward file, I am the only one left alive. @Jynx 

What is normal is not simple for me. Not sure if it is going be helpful to unpack on a public forum. Also might be too many identifying details for true anonymity.

Current circumstances were too complicated for the lady I saw today. She tried to be nice but also said she had to be blunt at times. None of it makes sense without context. It is too easy to be dismissed and put in the too hard basket.  The time allowed just doesn't make real understanding possible. We will see what happens, but guessing it will be a waste of time and money.  

[Appleblossom]

@Till23 Yes I am strongly connected to nature for the average city person. I reflect on all aspects of nature; plants, animals and Earth Science at uni and in general life. I did basic sciences through to 2nd year. I do kind of mix up the science and spirituality in an approach tending to Love of Creation. I taught catechism as a teenager and then went to study Earth Science in a secular uni. I am interested in the many processes and metaphors within nature that humans use to understand human life. 

Nature was there when my human family was not. My father modelled respect for nature and indigenous ways... So all a mash up and my own weird style. I think I gravitated towards science as an antidote to being told my parents were mad. So I craved rational approaches. Raised a catholic, and find music ministry a way I can "fit in" and be useful.

[Jynx]

@Appleblossom very understandable, and thanks for expressing that boundary to me. 

I'm sorry that you're having to navigate that within one of your support relationships. Perhaps not an unexpected experience, but it doesn't make it sting any less when you realise that someone is simply not equipped to hold what you need them to be able to hold in order to trust their ability to help you. 

Do you think it reasonable to ask for a longer session? I've actually been thinking I may need to ask this of my psych soon my own self, some stuff does need more time to be able to first fully explain the context and the nuance hey. Plus then also needing time to come back to the present. 

[Appleblossom]

Today was with a mediator for access to my grandson.

Regarding psychology, I have stopped working with people who say unhelpful things, when it feels they are really not getting it. Telehealth can be tricky as they have less information. My last psychologist blamed my children rather than being able to word things in a way that held space for our intergenerational trauma. I know my children are not perfect. Nobody is. I would have worked more with rupture and repair, but last year he briefly met my son online, my son didn't trust him and I kept making excuses for psychologist for 8 months, when he came out with criticisms of both my children, I felt it was time to move on.

I am going to try a new lady but she cancelled due to illness and I have not yet heard back. So starting again and in between therapists. Weary sigh. 

Tbh @Jynx I think there are limitations in the clinical model. My support worker and OT get it. I would love more walk and talk options. Where the worker sees me in a range of circumstances, including my home, in order to get a realistic grounded grasp of my family and home. I am guessing I need weekly sessions as fortnightly did not work. I have not heard people offer longer sessions, so I was going with frequency.  Now I feel a bit like assessing them for their capacity and commitment to the profession. My trust will need to be earned.