Fragile

[Appleblossom]

Yes @AuntGlow it happened a minute before the case was due to be heard.

Keeping active was important. I need my purpose, meaning and commitments, but also trimming things back so I didnt have to do 4 hours freeway driving this weekend.  2 friends from those cancelled events texted. 

Friday's luncheon and performance was good enough.  There were lots of little social moments, that I did feel seen, respect, appreciated and a few more will join our group next year. So that felt genuine and good.

I worked out how to do a screenshot for the first time, and managed to share some vids and pics which made lots of lovely interactions.

Yesterday, a friend from the singing group visited. She knew I was really struggling, and 

i just babbled freely, rather than being overly professional.  

[AuntGlow]

Good afternoon, @Appleblossom! 🍎

It's so nice to hear that the luncheon went well and you had some moments of genuine connection... what do you think helped you to feel so connected?

Oh yay!! Screenshots can be so helpful, I love this - how sweet.

Babbling freely must have felt really, well, freeing. What did you notice about yourself as you shared freely?

Also, how is your son doing today? 🫶

[Appleblossom]

My son had a good day. @AuntGlow It was hard seeing our frail aged friend struggling but we did what we could.  He had enough other stuff that was good and so did I.  There are serious issues to address going forward, but now is not the time.  Best get through Christmas, though I probably should talk to a lawyer.  weary sigh.

Thanks for reading and keeping reaching out.  It is fairly new for me to be getting this much attention and being this social.  When I was babbling away at the microphone at the concert, it felt good and real and relaxed, inspite of all the stress leading up to the event. I laughed, I made others laugh with me (not at me).  I had prepared slightly, but just improvised.  When I think that 15 years ago, my shyness was crippling, my sense of embarrassment and shame overwhelming. I had no friends... til now ... I laugh a lot, at least a little bit every day, but its in my regular speech... I have come a long way.

A few people said they might join the group, so we will see what happens in the new year.

[Appleblossom]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrPZZffwV8A 

Why Should Men Quarrell?

played this yesterday with trio

[AlwaysMyself]

@Appleblossom it sounds like ypu have come a long way with your social confidence 🥰😍🤗.

I love it when a friend is able to talk to me and tell me a comment, a story, or a quirky perspective on life that makes me smile and laugh with them. 😍🤗

[Appleblossom]

@AlwaysMyself thank you

i am not sure how confident i really am. i am also pretty upset by accumulated 'slings and arrows' so my pain is coming out, no matter how hard i do spiritual or emotional work on myself to make my soul more calm, loving and peaceful.

As i was typing that out, i wondered if even that song title could be considered sexist. i am concerned how discussion is becoming more controlled and restricted. i try to be nuanced and fair, but who knows anymore, what it is alright to say? We cant go around prefacing everything with endless caveats.

thanks for responding. guess i am down in the dumps.

[Dimity]

I'd forgotten that Purcell @Appleblossom 

Words,:.

Why should men quarrel here, where all possess
As much as they can hope for by success?
None can have most where nature is so kind
As to exceed man's use, though not his mind.

Hope it's not too hot to step into your garden for renewal. Take care. 

[AlwaysMyself]

There are people who will end up attacking in words, regardless of whether or not we are at fault, @Appleblossom , but i always hope they remain the small minority of encounters. I suspect you have had much more of your fair share of them than most. And unfortunately i do think that sometimes people do recieve the worst of it if they are either not coping well (economically, emotionally, physically) and/or if they advocate for improvement/rights. It makes an "easy target" sometimes i think, as well as perhaps maybe gets people's defensive-aggression response because they are confronted or uncomfortable with these situations. This is not an excuse for them! They need to work on themselves to worth through and past that, to not cause harm. But it is something i am seeing that sometimes explains what i have seen.

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for those words and good wishes @Dimity I do appreciate Purcell for his English, and singing him and The Messiah, are what helped me journey emotionally in music with the language of my father and the country of my birth. Folk and rock and blues helped in a way but not pop! lol 

Unfortunately a lot of the people around me were at the bottom of the ladder of life and had too much anger to randomly throw about. Even if they were not throwing it at me, its not great to be around, and then I would get judged for coming from that place or 'part of town' by the nice people.  So I found books and music the best most peaceful escape. I couldnt really relate to the rough people or the nice people. Though of course there is a bigger spectrum of human than just that.

@AlwaysMyself 

Mostly I have tried to fit in and then do the child rearing work, not really advocate. I did some silent protests for enquiries and royal commissions with a Forgotten Australians group.  Advocacy only began in the last few years.  Mostly my circumstances were too tricky for even the professionals to negotiate. 

[Dimity]

@Appleblossom I can understand retreat into books and music. I'd internalised social hierarchies by grade 2 when I was mortified by what I felt was classroom seating arranged by social standing... mind you the 3 girls I remember from the half dozen at the top table were daughters of a butcher, farmer and gp in the little country town. My family was peripatetic and segregated itself, as well as being ostracised, and within the family I retreated further. I realise now it was largely subjective and internalised. Unlike your experiences which were concrete. I read. Music was a tool for powerplay in my family and it was repeatedly offered and snatched away so of only fleeting comfort.

I'd forgotten that Purcell ensembles were part of our repertoire for the performative little soirees my mother occasionally engineered. It was pure show, we weren't told it was happening until guests wheeled up then we sight-read the pieces.

@Appleblossom only a few days until Christmas.  I trust your overwrought nervous system is progressively calming from the dramas, that you're revelling in seasonal music and can let yourself enjoy this significant social and religious pause from the grind. You've made it through another year, and brought your son with you.